Megyn's Story

Since I came to Teen Mania as a staff member instead of an intern, my story is a little different than most here. I graduated from Bible College in the early 90's and struggled with what I was supposed to do with my life. I always had a desire to work in TV and the doors opened for me to do that. But I always felt conflicted by not working in “full time ministry.“  I struggled with should I be working at a regular job or should I be in the ministry, doing a "God" job? Even though I had a great job in the television industry, I never felt at ease because I thought I should be working in the ministry.

One day, I was called with an opportunity to develop a TV production for TM (this was prior to their in house production at the Center for Creative Media). I thought I hit the jackpot because this would be a "God" job. I would finally be working full time in the ministry doing something that I love doing. I flew down to TX for an interview. When I arrived, an uneasiness nagged at me deep down but I didn't take heed. At the time I was working in a very established job with people whom I loved.  It was a hard decision to leave but I thought this was Gods will.  When I arrived in TX, I had an incredibly overwhelming feeling of what I had just done. 

Not only did Texas feel like another world, but on top of that, the culture of Teen Mania was a different world. Some of the staff was nice at first but I often felt a superior attitude with those who have been with Teen Mania for a while. I know this wasn’t the case for all but I definitely got that sense from some.  I really enjoyed meeting all of the interns.  If I needed anything set up in my apartment I always had a helping hand. 

Many things really struck me when I started working there.  I thought it was awesome that young people would go to a place to really search their hearts to see what God wanted for them.  I did however think something was off by having young people basically pay to work.  I don’t know how anyone can justify this kind of treatment.  I have heard often that you should “treat it like ministry” yet to the higher ups it’s treated as a business.   I don’t think its right to have young people work for free, especially when the work is more than 8 hours a day on top of other tasks they are expected to do. I remember talking to a few interns who were in tears because they could not raise the money to stay in Teen Mania.  When I attended Bible College I did pay to attend. The difference is I got a degree and didn’t have to work off being there.  Most places I know, because of labor laws, pay interns to work.  From what I understand it is somewhat illegal not to pay people who are putting in 8 hours with no health benefits. To me that was a MAJOR red flag, especially having the experience of working for many years.

As the weeks moved on, I noticed how incredibly disorganized Teen Mania was. For a place where accountability is constantly preached, I didn’t find that to be true from a business point of view.  I met several production houses who did work for Teen Mania and they all said the same thing to me, “You left your good job to work there? “ The pit in my stomach was continuing to grow every day.  The more I would question things the more I would get shunned from staff. (Apparently, women at Teen Mania are not supposed to speak up or have differing opinions.)  I got the impression that business ran off the bare bones and yet still expected things to run flawlessly.  I remember the equipment that was purchased wasn’t right. When I had questions about it, I had a person on a higher level say they never saw someone complain so much and that other departments have a lot less and they make it work. I told him he was naive to think someone could lay hands on production gear and ask the Lord to make it do something else other than what it was supposed to do. Needless to say, that comment didn't win me any favor. If I gave suggestions on bringing ideas for developing anything I was made to feel like I walking against the grain. I was completely like a fish out of water. They wanted a high quality TV show yet lacked the knowledge how to produce and edit one.

I also had another staff member tell me that when I was working in the world, I was a bright light in a dim place.  With me working at Teen Mania, I was now a dim light working in a bright place. I was so hurt, so offended that I quit shortly after that.  When I left I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders. For a long time I had questioned myself and that experience. I actually had a few people from Teen Mania contact me to see if I could connect them to anyone from MTV because they wanted their TV shows to be creative like that.  I was highly offended to say the least and I did not assist them.

After my experience, I was very hurt and very confused.  I came home very withdrawn and feeling like the worst person. Shortly after that, doors did open for me and I have been very blessed with my current job.  I work for a major network that reaches the world. Once I started getting back into the swing of things I really looked at what had happened at Teen Mania. I knew I had a choice to make. God didn’t turn His back on me, He actually used a not so pleasant experience for the good. I work with a lot of young people who literally come to work here from all over the world.  I remember how I was treated at Teen Mania and vowed never to do that to anyone.  I may not have gone all around the world doing a skit or preaching, but I learned everything to do everything just as Christ would.  Sometimes it may not be the most glamorous thing but even if it’s a small thing it matters to the person you are helping plus Christ.  I read a lot of the stories on this blog and my heart truly goes out to all those who had a bad experience. I hope I can be an encouragement.  I am not bitter at the Lord nor am I at that ministry.  I chose to take away a positive thing from a bad experience. It didn’t happen overnight but I don’t look back with regrets.

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Youth Without Youth

"Hangman we played double dutch with a hand grenade

Behind the church, hiding place. Apathetic to the devil's

Face. Wear the sheriff's badge put your toys away

They let us go saying let us pray!"

Time passes at an individual pace but offers us--the individuals--absolutely no negotiation. We do not get a say, nor can we decide how much or how little time we might take to recover from our wounds. Sure, we may have the ability to try to take on a more positive outlook. We may make choices to support our healing process through therapy or taking a stronger interest in our personal needs, but we ultimately live with bound hands at the mercy of an invisible force. Waiting for the day when our triggers fade into some tolerable distance. Hoping to smile once again without that nagging pressure poking at our souls and telling us something isn't right. Or calling us damaged goods. We live with the hope that one day, other people won't notice something is off about us, or that people will quit accusing us of being bitter, negative and slanderous.

We long for the day when we will quit hearing: "Let it go. Forget about it and move on."

This is the nature of the beast. Spiritual abuse leaves a visible mark on the psyche, on the soul, and it is damned near impossible to explain this to someone who is unable or unwilling to hear it. Three years ago, Mica posted about the aftermath of spiritual abuse and post-cult trauma. Less than two years ago, I read her words and finally realized that Yes, Teen Mania Is A Cult.

In 2005, around the height of alumni Xanga usage, I began a blog ring called "No, Teen Mania is Not a Cult."

Since then, I've shared much of my personal story on the blog--my failures, experience with depression and small recovery wins. I've shared my hope and vision for healing in the RA community, along with my belief that Love is the point and Love is stronger than any of the crap cards we've been dealt. I've written a bit about my recovery. It seems to be an appropriate time, with the news that former Honor Academy director Dave Hasz has accepted a position in my neck of the woods, to talk about recovery once again.

The hard truth is that at least a pretty big chunk of recovery from spiritual abuse sucks. There's no way around it. Sometimes it just seems that I'm constantly taking two baby steps forward and eight giant leaps back. My age--being 30--is constantly at the front of my mind while wasting my 20s--or having been stunted at 18 and 19--is constantly at the back of it.

Sometimes (read most days), I look at all the work ahead of me for the day and I cry. No, I literally cry. I get so overwhelmed with the fact that there are nowhere near enough hours in the day to go to work, nurture relationships, get my basic chores done, get my blogs written, work on my book, exercise, do what I want to do, and eat or sleep. It's impossible and I think to myself that something has got to give because a life lived in frustration really is not living. Or maybe not worth living? I never make up my mind, but I think about it for a few hours and stress myself out some more. Or attempt to ignore the deadlines hanging above my shoulders and pretend that I think everything is fine.

Then I look at my life and see so many improvements. In a sense I know I'm a million years ahead of where I was even one year ago. But I don't know if that's good enough. I still want to talk about spiritual abuse everyday. I think about the fact that I have friends who are parents and I just don't believe I will have my own children and I wonder if that's alright. Or more like, will I ever actually grow up and quit feeling (as well as behaving) like a child?

The truth about my healing is that I spent my 20s with my brain steeped in religious, abusive Teen Mania jargon. To the point where I was unable to sail my own ship. I allowed guilt, obligation and fear dictate my life until I was so far away from myself that I didn't know how I would make a return. The good news is that I did return. But I know... I had to sort of pick up where I left off. In my own way I had to make up for lost time.

I touched upon this in my Filmspiration post. Regularly now, I test the boundaries of my freedom in pursuit of joy. What I didn't add was that I'm a full decade (at least) behind most of my peers. Emotionally, mentally, financially, perhaps even spiritually... I am very childish. "Child-like heart" has come up several times in my friendships and relationships--and not always in a positive way. But frankly at this point I'm resigned to this idea that I need to be a child for at least a little longer. Though I suspect I may always live with one foot in the clouds of Never Never Land.

At this point, I believe this is a natural response. When I was 18 I had very adult responsibilities for a ministry that was saving the world. Minus the paycheck and affirmation of a job well-done. I was gritting my teeth to get through the physical challenges and pain.. not to mention the terror of Gauntlet and various other retreats. In beating my body and making it my slave, I learned to disassociate my mind from my body so effectively that I am still struggling to quit living inside my head. My personal soundtrack--though immensely improved since beginning therapy--still upon occasion plays from Dave or Ron's Greatest Hits: "You can sleep when you're dead. Embrace adversity. God hates liars and those who break their commitments. This is okay sexually when you're married and this is NEVER okay even when you are married..." And I still have nightmares where I'm being confronted for doing something wrong but no one believes me that I didn't do it. Or I get hit with "fight or flight" terrors when I go to church or have to speak to new people. I had flashbacks to the internship and panic attacks when I read The Hunger Games trilogy.  

Everything that happened in the red dirt of Texas still affects me to this day. Though I wish it didn't. And I wish it didn't affect you, though I know it's rather unlikely. A trigger can lie dormant for years and then flare up without warning. I don't say this to scare anyone or be a negative Nancy. I say it to be honest and to call attention to the fact that we all need some room to grow and mend. Let's be gentle with each other here and gentle with our own selves. We may all be at different places in our healing and faiths/non-faith, but we are still unique in that we know what happened and we know how it affects us now.

If you're up to sharing with the group, let's discuss some of the triggers or symptoms of spiritual abuse that have gotten in the way of simply enjoying your life.

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David Hasz Hired by Bethany College of Missions

After leaving Teen Mania last year, David Hasz went to work at a company in the Houston area that was staffed by many Honor Academy alumni. Now, he has moved on to another "ministry" job. After serving on their Board for several years, he has been hired by Bethany International - the group that collaborated with Teen Mania for the now defunct "Honor Academy North" campus. Unfortunately, Bethany has not learned from his disastrous tenure at the Honor Academy and I can only hope that we won't be seeing similar stories from Bethany College of Missions students in the coming years.

Here is their official annoucement:

Introduction to David Hasz

Beginning March 18th, David Hasz will join Bethany as our Vice President of Leadership Development and Discipleship. His primary responsibility will be to engage the whole Bethany team in the discipleship journey of students and interns to truly know the love of God as His children, grow in intimacy with Jesus, and discover their gifts and calling as they prepare to join God in His global mission to reach the lost wherever they may be found. For nearly seven years David has served on Bethany’s Board, bringing tremendous insight, vision, enthusiasm and support.

David is married to Beth and they have four children. He served for 17 years with Teen Mania providing leadership for the Honor Academy and more recently as Executive Vice President. We are thrilled that the Lord has led Dave and his family to us.

 

 

 

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Filmspiration: Paradise Recovered

“There has to be a better way to love God and feel free.”

-Esther, Paradise Recovered

Paradise Recovered is an independent film that follows a fundamentalist believer’s journey to freedom. The Parable of the Good Samaritan is at the heart of story, though here it is a church that has robbed our victim and left her for dead through spiritual abuse. The film so deeply resonates with me and reminds me of the blind faith I once held for Teen Mania and the legalism involved both with the internship and my time as a Messianic Jew.  

Anyone who’s been through what we have with The Honor Academy and Global Expeditions will find something of their voice in this film. I’m sure of it. I am a firm believer in the healing power of art. There is just something about the act of creation that taps into a hidden consciousness. Art is fundamental because it allows us to assign a more tangible form to our indescribable emotions—good or bad. Enjoying art created by others is a natural extension of that healing.

Previously I've mentioned how I spent a decade—practically all of my twenties—in confusion and terror of losing my salvation, like an ocean wave constantly crashing back and forth from The World on one side and The Law on the other. That sort of tempestuousness left me with a battered soul. Paradise Recovered ably captures that internal storm, and I admit it reminds me that my healing is still not complete.  

Much like the film’s protagonist, Esther, I am challenging my former prohibitions. Yes, I test the waters and engage in things I used to believe (or have been told) are wrong. Not to be rebellious or get away with as much as possible, but to work out the meaning of my faith. I do things now to better understand what my faith looks like in action, and more fully explore Love to enjoy my freedom.

My freedom. Currently, freedom for me includes: using profanity and saying OMG. Drinking alcohol. Practicing yoga. Learning about Traditional Chinese Medicine and Ayurveda. Getting acupuncture. Studying open theism. Attending the church of a previously blacklisted pastor. Allowing myself to hear and make sexual jokes. Reading books with liberal views on sex and the Bible. Dating people who would have been off-limits in the past. I frequently wear "low-cut" shirts and allow myself to wear my purse crossed over my chest (TM girls, you KNOW what I mean!)  

Perhaps I’ll take a cue from Esther’s story and go skinny-dipping soon. I don’t know—the point is that my future is open. I’m no longer willing to let other people tell me what to think and how to live. My faith is strong enough to stand up to questions and my own search for freedom. Again, Love is louder.

What strikes me most about Paradise Recovered is the way in which a non-believer helps guide a Christian into freedom. I’m actually kind of jealous of these fictional characters. I think about how amazing it would have been to have not been alone for so long with my own recovery. To have had a friend who would help guide me to live so freely. I then consider the parable of The Good Samaritan and I ponder the roles that I have played, as well as my future part.

Who do we want to be in the story? I’m not talking labels of religious beliefs. I’m talking about action and Love. Each person who has suffered abuse under the guise of godliness—well, at some point all are battered and left for dead on the road. All need healing and freedom, just like TM survivors. Will you stop for them? Will you inconvenience yourself to help set another person free?

Many offer help to the wounded, but do so with an agenda. They may seek to win a soul for the kingdom. They may confront a person with guilt or obligation and coercion. They may point out sin and faults, calling it love. Yet God’s Love, pure Love is all about freedom. Free will. Free choice. Non-violence. Real Love allows for questions, discussion and doubt. True Love does not seek to connive or convince and obtain a certain result beyond the act of loving.

Paradise Recovered demonstrates God’s Love as something not limited to those who call themselves Christian. Love is not owned by those who uphold the Teen Mania standard. The Honor Academy leadership is not full of experts in the art of loving. For cult survivors, that is a huge realization. Being able to see goodness and Love in the secular world is a significant step to freedom.

My hope is that it is a part of your freedom as well.

For more information on Paradise Recovered, check out their website.

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Lindsay's Story

Ever since I saw the Mind of Mania broadcast and found this blog, I’ve considered posting, but never did until now. I suppose it is because I am embarrassed to say I ever had anything to do with Teen Mania or even worse, that I recommended it to others. I was horrified by what I saw on the broadcast and by the stories I read here. I always felt there was something off about the Honor Academy, but really knew what went on there. I will never again participate in anything TM and will try to warn others about getting involved with them.

I first heard about TM from my husband, who was an experienced TL with them. We both felt called to full time missions (before we ever heard about TM) and thought that TM would be a good way to be involved in missions while still in college. My first trip was to El Salvador Z, 1999 as a TL. My second was trip C that was supposed to be church planting in Nepal but was changed to Thailand in 2001. As a Team Leader I had a lot more control over our trip than MA’s or missionaries. I think that kept the trips from being as terrible as some other people have shared.

Even still, I had a few issues with them that I now realized I should have taken more seriously. To me the big issues with Global Expeditions were lack of sleep, over rigidity and emphasis on rule keeping, and not enough experience &/or maturity in leaders. However, the biggest problem that I found with Teen Mania was poor doctrine/Theology. To this day Teen Mania is an example to me of just how bad things can get when your theology is not sound. During training I heard some lectures that I didn’t completely agree with. I heard one on naming and claiming that actually made me pretty mad. Still, I chalked it all up to be an interdenominational group and let it slide. I should have paid more attention. What seems like a small thing, like an unbalance view of works vs. grace, can turn a group from the heart of the gospel, which is love, forgiveness and restoration to being all about rule keeping, image maintaining, and being better than everyone else. Also the belief that if you just have enough faith you will be healed, lead to medical negligence of the part of the leadership. For example, on one trip when my husband was still an MA, he had a fever, bad cough and was delirious. It got so bad that when he would attempt to speak he couldn’t say anything that made any sense. Despite being that sick he was not taken immediately do a doctor. It wasn’t until a change in the Project Directors, weeks later, that he was taken to the doctor and told that he had a bad case of bronchitis and may have had pneumonia previously. This is just one instance where medical issues were sort of dismissed and doctors were not consulted or ever recommended. There is much more than can be said about this, but I think you get the picture.

I have walked away from this experience with a firm conviction that it really is important to hold up all teaching to the light of scripture, to be willing to question all teaching, and the value in studying what you believe and why you believe it. My husband and I seek out the truth and aren’t afraid of where we find it. As a partial reaction to the teaching of Teen Mania and teachings he heard in other contexts, my husband now has PhD in New Testament. He actually wrote a book about wealth from the teachings of Paul and Jesus (let’s just say it is very different from Teen Mania’s teaching on wealth). In our search for truth we never lost our faith, but rather were strengthened in it. It is possible to really study and think and debate what you believe and still be a dedicated Christian. Our Christian walk doesn’t look much like Teen Mania’s idea of the model Christian. Thankfully we never experienced the depth of destruction that many of you faced in the HA and were still able to maintain our love for missions (we are now full time missionaries in Japan). I understand that this is not true for everyone here and I am so very sorry for those of that you had such destructive experiences. Finally, I wanted to give a heartfelt apology. If any of you were on any of my teams, please forgive me if I was too forceful in my convictions, for letting my culture shock influence my speaking, for not standing up for the truth and for any other unintentional (but no less legitimate) hurts I might have inflicted. It was never my intent to harm you in any way. I did care about each of you. I was young and inexperience and to some degree influenced by Teen Mania myself. Still I will take responsibility for my actions and say I really am sorry. If there is anything I can do, if there is something you need to say to me, I am willing to listen and do anything I can to help (whether you were on one of my teams of not). I pray that God will bring healing and hope to all of you.

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If You're Working in "The World", You're Doing it Wrong.

HA Alumni I-20 plan - Working in the Secular Work Place

Note: This is a response to a video made by an intern and aimed at interns, about how to work as a Christian in a non-Christian job. I'm hoping that those in our community who are not Christians will also contribute to this discussion, as I know there'll be great points made.

Above is a YouTube video for Honor Academy interns, offering advice about working in a secular environment. While I don't doubt the creator's good intentions, my feeling says this video is just one of the many demonstrations that something is broken within Teen Mania Ministries. This is the idea of "love" that infiltrates the internship. These are the ideals that so many teens and young adults who emerge from Garden Valley try to emulate.

I encourage everyone to watch the video and discuss in the comments section. I cannot even begin to list my problems with this video. The division, the elitism, the small mindedness that such a message breeds is so frustrating to see. So this is a wide topic with lots of different points to mention, but I'd like to focus on the idea that working in a secular environment calls for any special preparation or consideration. Frankly, I don't believe it does. I would say that if a Christian has to plan how to behave in a non-Christian environment, they are operating under the oppression of The Law.

Definition--as opposed to separation--between Christianity and the world is a commonly discussed issue among Christians. The Honor Academy strives to create leaders who are set apart from the world. Possibly the most oft-quoted verse about the world is found in Romans:

And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect. -Romans 12:2 (NASB)

In fact, "the world" is referred to repeatedly throughout the New Testament and ascribed to both Jesus and His disciples:

I have given them Your word; and the world has hated them, because they are not of the world, even as I am not of the world. I do not ask You to take them out of the world, but to keep them from the evil one. They are not of the world, even as I am not of the world. -John 17:14-16 (NASB)

I wrote you in my letter not to associate with immoral people; I did not at all mean with the immoral people of this world, or with the covetous and swindlers, or with idolaters, for then you would have to go out of the world. But actually, I wrote to you not to associate with any so-called brother if he is an immoral person, or covetous, or an idolater, or a reviler, or a drunkard, or a swindler—not even to eat with such a one. -1 Corinthians 5:9-11 (NASB)

What does it mean to be of the world? That might be a good question for Christians to ask before anyone begins discussing how it is that they should live in it. Everything I experienced at the Honor Academy tells me that leadership is afraid that the interns might be seen as worldly. And they pass on that fear to each new crop of interns. My personal conviction is that this is a symptom of hysteria, not the fruit of Love. 

The world is physical and temporal. Things within it waste away. If we talk about not being of the world, I'm inclined to think we're talking about the idea that we are spiritual beings. Not focused on the material or tangible offerings of life, though we may most certainly still enjoy them. Every one of us will one day die, so it only makes sense that we would want to pursue things like Love, peace, and justice. That we'd care more about our relationships than money or possessions. 

I don't believe the world refers to Christians versus everyone else, but teachings within the Honor Academy precisely say that. At Teen Mania, it's easy to distinguish whether or not someone is of the world or of God. Godly people do not drink alcohol, swear, watch R-rated movies, make sexual jokes, or do drugs etc. Godly people "do and don't" to avoid the appearance of evil. It speaks little of a person's heart, let alone Love.  

If a Christian goes into their workplace with the desire to "save people", they're missing the point of the Gospel message. I have a huge concern when the video focuses on learning how to listen to people and talk about "random" things... because not only is that called being human, but the implication is that decent, kind and respectful behavior has a motive: to win souls for Christ. As the video goes on, it's clear. That's what the point of learning how to work in a secular environment is all about. And that is hardly Love. 

It's commonly said that Jesus had a reputation among the religious folks of His day for hanging out with immoral people. Most Christians hear the stories about Jesus eating with drunks, prostitutes, money collectors, etc. Supposed people of the world. Pharisees and Sadducees basically accused Christ of being of the world or of Satan, due to the people who surrounded Him and the things He did or did not do which didn't line up with The Law.

But this is where Jesus began to teach that there is a spirit of The Law, a spirit of the world, and a spirit of God. You might say his response was all about getting to the heart of a matter and acknowledging that only God can judge a person's motives. Jesus' followers asked Him point-blank what the most important commandment was and He could have said anything. He could have said ALL the commandments were equal. He could have said that being like the world is the worst thing ever and the disciples should never, ever be like the world. But instead, Jesus elevated Love--to love God and love others (loving others was actually a new one) as the most important of all the commandments. Hundreds and hundreds of commandments mind you.

I'm pretty sure that if Teen Mania would have also prioritized Love, we wouldn't be here talking about healing from abuse. We wouldn't be talking about how to work in a secular environment. Interns wouldn't have a list of rules to follow and accountability cards to prove they lived for God that week. Global Expeditions missions trips would put on work gloves--not dramas--and they wouldn't be concerned with how many people they could get to say the Sinner's Prayer. 

At Teen Mania, and unfortunately throughout the Christendom, there is this idea that everything we touch must be sanitized then Christianized. There are Christian bands, Christian movies, Christian clothing, Christian board games, Christian novels... all sorts of inanimate objects somehow become Christian everyday. Yet those outside of the church are supposed to believe that Christianity is really about a relationship with God. That Christian culture is not trying to shove their beliefs down anyone's throat. See the disconnect? Seriously, the advice in this video encourages a very plastic and highly sanitized way of life that Jesus never taught. 

As a Christian, if you are talking about working in the the world--trust me--you're doing it wrong. You've forgotten that all Christians live in the world and all are called to be lights unto it. Let me be so bold as to say that the light Christians ought to shine is Love and Love alone. 

What do you guys think? There's a lot being said in this video that I think is worth discussion, that at some point probably affected us all in some way.

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Sabrina's Story

I write because its 2013, and I'm still pretty torn up.

I went on a mission trip with GE in 2011.

But who knew one month of my life could hurt me so much?!

Right when I think I'm over it, I can see and feel everything all over again. Its like time picks at scabs and makes them bleed again.

I used to be SO ON FIRE for the message of Christ. I wanted nothing more than to be His hands and feet. I want to BE like Jesus before talking about Him. I was so ready to just spread His LOVE. (The real kind of Love, not Teen Mania Love.) I still am, in a way...

But I am scared now.

I am scared because now, whenever I find mission organizations, I freeze up. I become suspicious. And I automatically shy away the moment I hear ANYTHING concerning "checklists." SO MANY ORGANIZATIONS require "training" in prayer and healing. Whether or not they are up to the standards of Teen Mania is beyond me, but I see TM EVERYWHERE. I see traces of it in almost every ministry and the moment I see any similarity, I freak out. I get angry, I cry, I become anxious and can't feel any peace. There are no words to describe how fearful TM made me.

For instance: The other day, I thought I saw my Project Director. My heart sped up and I almost had a panic attack. I am not kidding you. My breath quickened and I got dizzy. I HID.

And I KNEW it wasn't him! Yet him LOOKING like him was enough! He looked like the man who had no grace for me whatsoever. He looked like the man mocked Hindus to their faces. He looked like the man who, for one month, almost made me believe every single sexist lie TM teaches.

Oh those lies!

I came home, and for months all I could do was sit in a hot shower and BEG God to turn me into a boy. I had begun to believe that there was no way I could be this "perfect, Proverbs 31 woman." I had begun to believe that I had to be silent, and beautiful, and submissive, and that there was no way I could POSSIBLY be a pastor because I was born without skin hanging between my legs.

I swore to myself that I would rather cut off my breasts than be the image TM taught.
And that scares me.

Scarier still....

Even when TM found out I was hurt, you know what happened?
They called me.
And they said, "Sorry for your experience."
That's it.
Then you know what happened?
They DEFENDED all the crap that happened on my trip.
And here I am, scared out of mind, terrified of this person over the PHONE, sobbing my eyes out.
I told someone who I thought was a "friend."
And she said I was deceived and speaking the lies of Satan.
Both people offered to pray it out of me.
And all I did was CRY.
And cry.
And ask myself what I did wrong.


I had NIGHTMARES for MONTHS.
And you know what?
I was a Jerk when I came back. I was legalistic beyond belief. My family was concerned. And I beat myself up over everything.
I still beat myself up.
Because somewhere, deep down, I still believe that everything was my fault.
That maybe I didn't "have enough faith."
That maybe I really was "deceived."

How can one month screw you over so badly?
How can it keep you from going to church?!
How can it strip you of all your conviction for ministry?!
How can it take your fire away?!
How can it keep you from trusting people!

And the truth is, a year and a half later, I am still scared to speak out.

I am still terrified.

And I am still hurt.

(Note from RA: This individual asked me to remove the indentifying details and specifics of her story because she does not want to be contacted by TM again. Suffice it to say that her experience is a common one on both GE mission trips and the HA internship: abusive physical conditions, inadequate rest and medical care, oppressive legalism and the lesson that everything bad that ever happens to you is your fault.)

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