Comments on My Teen Mania Experience: Kate's Story

Hello, Reluctant Intern. You sound like you know m...

2012-01-23T03:10:18.717-06:00

Hello, Reluctant Intern. You sound like you know me, but of course I don't know who you are. So .... thanks? :) And thanks.

Annie, I'm glad you're finally posting ove...

2012-01-21T14:38:11.428-06:00

Annie, I'm glad you're finally posting over here ... I've been waiting for it! LOL

I'd wear a Recovering Alumni shirt.

2012-01-20T14:29:52.626-06:00

I'd wear a Recovering Alumni shirt.

Oh, Shiloh, that is great. I'd wear it for sur...

2012-01-18T13:14:39.990-06:00

Oh, Shiloh, that is great. I'd wear it for sure!

New T-Shirt "www.recoveringalumni.com turned ...

2012-01-18T12:20:30.544-06:00

New T-Shirt
"www.recoveringalumni.com turned me into a God loving cusser."
on the back.
"If you don't respect me and love me F*** off."

Annie, we don't mind you cuss like a sailor......

2012-01-18T10:29:13.789-06:00

Annie, we don't mind you cuss like a sailor...I do too sometimes!!

I bet Ron Luce Masturbates.

2012-01-18T09:58:08.045-06:00

I bet Ron Luce Masturbates.

Masturbation is fun.

2012-01-18T09:57:31.760-06:00

Masturbation is fun.

Annie... You are very cool. I love it when people ...

2012-01-18T08:20:03.655-06:00

Annie...
You are very cool. I love it when people love God & swear like sailors. There are far too few of us ;)

HA! I just discovered I'm sharing this with a ...

2012-01-18T03:11:41.609-06:00

HA! I just discovered I'm sharing this with a whole lot of ex interns. Oh, the irony.

<3 <3 <3 I'm glad I have something to...

2012-01-18T02:54:09.713-06:00

<3 <3 <3 I'm glad I have something to give you!! (And thanks, Shannon! Look me up on Facebook. ;) Annie McIver) SPANKED for touching yourself. Holy hell. I just grew up in a sexually stifled environment. I can't even remember any specific pinpoints of "don't do that" or "masturbation is a sin." In high school, maybe. Teen Mania also. But I think I already had a complex about my own sexuality before that. Or perhaps that hiding was always a part of my life because .... my mom would "humph" and roll her eyes and make disgusted sounding noises at any kissing scene on any movie. Channels got changed if it was too "involved." There was the constant subliminal message that there were some things that were off limits and not discussable. Anything even remotely related to sex was right in the middle of that box. So I simply grew up hiding. I suppose it was probably around middle school or high school that I started getting the first messages about the shamefulness of masturbation ... but I don't recall a "shameful" moment. A moment where an "it's just me" feeling got flipped to an "I'm sinning" feeling. Nothing was enough to make me stop though ... thank God. Though I did try to for a long time and felt so much guilt and shame that I couldn't. My (thankfully now ex) husband told me that if I masturbated I was cheating on him. !!!!!!! Thankfully I knew enough to know he was COMPLETELY off his rocker on that accusation, but of course the emotional manipulation of that thought was tough to wade through. Now ... I feel completely free to be "me," whoever that is. There is really a great deal that I still don't understand about myself and my sexual brain, but since I stopped feeling guilty and shamed it's like the lights were turned on. I can't describe the whole room yet, 'cause we're still getting acquainted, but I can actually SEE some things. I know myself better now than I have. I know God better. It's amazing how much I've learned (or started) to learn about life, love, and God from the most unlikely sources. ;) If you catch my drift. Porn, whether visual or literary. Freedom is a beautiful thing. When you only see something as dark, you limit the light. Turn on the lights and the dark retreats to the shadows, and details and colors begin to appear. Quite the opposite of what I was taught on a LOT of things growing up in a conservative Christian environment. Light is good. Sight is good. Open eyes are good. It is quite difficult to walk down any road at all if your eyes are closed.

So ... anyway, my dear. I'm glad it helped you! And I'm so glad we've connected! <3

PS: I am PROUD of you for having the guts to share the things you have. I share my story in bits and pieces in little pockets ... I have not yet felt the urge (or bravery) to share at large. I guess few people know what I've shared with you as a matter of fact. Huh. Yeah, only a couple of people. So thanks for listening and receiving as well. :) I'm glad we are both helped.

All I have to say is, "Ugh!"

2012-01-18T02:50:54.198-06:00

All I have to say is, "Ugh!"

Annie, you are a side of my coin I didn't even...

2012-01-18T02:10:38.013-06:00

Annie, you are a side of my coin I didn't even know I had (until the past week, that is). You understand my soul, because yours is so similar. I love you, girl. I really do. You bring me healing. I realize it's because you've been in my shoes, or I've been in yours and we are a certain type of person that had to go through certain lessons, certain ways. I, too, was sexually precocious from a very young age. I remember a few instances which are still clear (in technicolor, no less) images and memories in my mind...being very little, maybe 3 or 4 and already realizing in order to touch myself, I had to hide. I remember getting spanked for it in preschool. I was sitting at a table, bored. Yes, bored. That's the part I remember the most...feeling bored and having nothing else to do but rub on my panties. It sounds naughty, doesn't it? I was THREE! There's nothing wrong with that. A child, a small, young, innocent child being taught, in church, christian school...at home, even...that feeling pleasure is somehow sin. I can roll my eyes now and thank heaven that my son will not be smothered like that. He won't have something about him that is normal and usual and human taken away from him just because I say so. It's amazing how much power our words say. I once, over ten years ago, had a ten minute conversation with a woman in leadersip at a ministry I worked at and look at all the feather's it's ruffled.

Ok, the soapbox is all yours, if anybody wants it...

that really sickens me that anyone would ever say ...

2012-01-17T22:26:35.689-06:00

that really sickens me that anyone would ever say that. how stone-aged of her. My sister was raped when i was 13. My mother sat down to talk to us about it, and about safety so it doesn't happen to us, and one of the first things she told us is that even if our sister was sitting naked beside him, he still had no right to do that to her. I have never once questioned that and people who say otherwise should be flogged

Annie, You are my new favorite person!

2012-01-17T22:12:27.204-06:00

Annie, You are my new favorite person!

Kate..... I can relate immensely to both your stor...

2012-01-17T22:07:03.959-06:00

Kate..... I can relate immensely to both your story & the response from HA. Ive had a very similar experience know that you're not alone in this at all. It wasn't, isn't, & will never, ever be your fault.

WHAT?!?!?! She said WHAT?!?!?!?!!?!??!?! Ignorance...

2012-01-17T21:12:06.128-06:00

WHAT?!?!?! She said WHAT?!?!?!?!!?!??!?! Ignorance, bullshit ..... UGH!!!!!!!!! Makes me want to smash her head in! Good God ..... making the innocent responsible for the sins of the guilty ......... heinous, heinous crime. I am glad in these instances that I am not God, 'cause I swear, I'd smite them. (And then where would we be? A whole lot of dead people and no one learning and living.) I'm SO SO SO SO SO SO very sorry your soul has had to bear this burden. SO sorry. I am glad you are releasing it. What a God-awful filthy fucking weight.

And to the charges of masturbation, I'll just say this to the universe: GO RIGHT AHEAD!!!!! Masturbate, God-damn it!!! (sorry--I am a Christian who adores God and swears like a sailor) There is virtually NO Scriptural, emotional, scientific, or mental evidence to support masturbation being at all a thing to be despised, controlled, and demonized. It's your own body. It's your own mind. The sexual brain is by far the most complex part of yourself and closing it off is like starving yourself of oxygen. Ask me how I know. ALL HANDS IN THE AIR. I grew up guilty and ashamed because I believed I was sexually impure because I masturbated from the time I was four. Yes, four. I realized one day how detrimental guilt is. How increedibly debilitating. And whatever masturbation may or may not be, guilt was CERRTAINLY off his "okay" list. That thought and that day set me free and I've never looked back. There is much to myself I don't understand, but I've ceased to hate myself for what I do. AND I've learned SO much about myself in the process. So much that I think it's a CRIME to make a child feel guilty and shamed about their sexuality. Be free. Love your body. Love your mind. Love your moments. Hold them gently in your hands because they are YOURS. Be you, whoever that is. Make no apologies and feel no shame. Live free. All is well. Muah.

(I have this thing for soap boxes ... I hope you don't mind.)

I was an intern back in 2003. I had an amazing exp...

2012-01-17T18:19:45.265-06:00

I was an intern back in 2003. I had an amazing expierence while there but there were alot of things that I was told that I couldn't believe leadership would say to me. Sometimes people will try to counsel and give advice on things they should not. I'm glad you have chosen to longer believe her because it was nothing you did caused the bad thing that happen to you. One thing I do in my own life is take what people say with a grain of salt. I take it and see if it's something I can apply to me and if not, I just brush it off

Kate, You're brave for sharing. Thank you. ...

2012-01-17T17:29:17.572-06:00

Kate,
You're brave for sharing. Thank you. The person who told you that should be completely ashamed of themselves. You're a beautiful soul....
PS as a person who was around pre-GV I agree with you that a shift took place. Something seems to have gone from chronic dysfunction/mistreatment/disrespect to hyper-abuse as norm.

DH, RL, or HS, if any of you guys are reading this...

2012-01-17T16:10:40.678-06:00

DH, RL, or HS, if any of you guys are reading this I would honestly love to hear how the leaderships defends this kind of lunacy.

Jesus, Kate..I can't even believe this. I am...

2012-01-17T15:13:33.459-06:00

Jesus, Kate..I can't even believe this.

I am soooo thankful you have overcome, taken away your lessons and are the stronger for it. I've loved getting back in touch with you (though we barely hung out or remember each other from the HA). It gives me hope for the ones still being abused....in the power of the human spirit.

What happened to me at TM was a long time ago. I d...

2012-01-17T14:13:51.284-06:00

What happened to me at TM was a long time ago. I didn't think about it for so long and yet it shaped so much of my adult life. Strange. I'm glad I was open about it, but thankfully, I am living a fun and happy life now and truly am grateful for everything Teen Mania gave me, because in the end, I got so much more goodness than not. I know feeling that way doesn't sound normal, but for years I did not realize that my year at TM had such a profound effect on me. It has taken a few years of hard core pushing and thinking and dealing with the good, the bad and the ugly. I don't believe in mistakes, only lessons. I made amazing friendships while I was an intern, I loved my job and even found love and acceptance through the leadership. It wasn't all bad, I just wish that the ministry had stayed the way it was 15 (plus) years ago. It was a small group of people actually trying to change the world. I was an intern in '99 and I really think that year must have a turning point. There are so many of us from that year that felt that change. From being a ministry to being a cult. For me, that is the truth. There's nothing wrong with loving Jesus, with helping people, with building a ministry devoted to the youth of this nation and the welfare for others all over the world. It's when that ministry starts getting lazy, sloppy, power hungry. It wasn't always that way at TM. But things changed and I was there, at the beginning of that change. I think things had already made a shift in the few years of internship before mine, but I know afterwards and to this day, there are things happening there that should not ever happen, to anyone, anywhere. It actually exhausts me to write about it, think about it. In the end though, I'm just thankful that I've made it to the other side, a better and stronger person. And I am so thankful for the support I see here. Thank you!

Kate, I was raped as a teenager. I am so sorry...

2012-01-17T13:35:24.161-06:00

Kate,

I was raped as a teenager. I am so sorry someone attempted to do that. Even if I had been running down the street in a skimpy outfit (which I was not), that never gives someone permission to attempt rape. It is something inside the sick person that made that happen. Not you.

I went to therapy for a long time to heal from the attack. My therapist often said that people's reaction to hearing I was raped can be just as damaging as the rape itself. It makes sense that you were deeply hurt. If you have not been to a therapist who specializes in sexual abuse, I would recommend it. My therapist helped me so much - especially dealing with what people said.

Again, I am so sorry that someone said that to you.

Kate. I am so thankful you shared this story for s...

2012-01-17T12:39:07.559-06:00

Kate. I am so thankful you shared this story for so many reasons.
It takes boldness to speak up about such a sensitive subject and I'm mostly with Eric.

I remember confessing to horrific 'sexual sin' at the H.A. (masturbating... once I think. I was too scared that God would hate me. I never did it.) my R.D. told me that she would see if I needed to go before the honor council or not. They might put me on a growth plan. I left confused because I didn't know if it was wrong or not and she couldn't tell me why.
(the best I can come up with for why it would be wrong is if you're looking at porn and denying your spouse or something. Masturbating in itself doesn't seem to be too harmful but it's what tends to fill people's heads while they're doing it that is. imo)
hahaha. It feels good to laugh at their asinine thinking now.

Kate- that's bulshit. (It sounds like you've figured this out...)
because of what you did you caused some spiritual attack to happen? where do people come up with this stuff? It's got the head banging against wall effect because you cannot reason with people who say that spiritual stuff is just happening to us and even though we have no idea, that one time you didn't help the old lady cross the street is the reason you got hit by a buss 10 years later.
how do you carry on a logical conversation with a person like that?

thank you, each of you. I feel better. Really. a w...

2012-01-17T12:09:43.462-06:00

thank you, each of you. I feel better. Really. a weight has been liften from my shoulders. I kept this in for so many years, hadn't thought about it, but I did remember it and I did think about it and I am so thankful to know that I am supported.