My Teen Mania Experience

Former Director of Marketing: Ron Luce is Arrogant, Judgmental & Manipulative

2012-02-20T06:00:00.000-06:00

Continuing our look at the conversation between Teen Mania's Former Director of Marketing and Honor Academy alumni...

Jeremy: after what I witnessed and was privy to as a staff member at the director level directly under Ron...TMM leadership has some massive issues...Ron specifically. The arrogance, the judgement, the spiritual manipulation, the utter lack of compassion and regard for people who gave up good salaries and careers to come "serve the vision" of TMM...yea, the vision is right...Ron just needs to go.

Jeremy: To be clear...the vision of TMM - to mobilize young people to take His message to the world - thats spot on. And I don't want the "ministry" potential to be silenced or to disappear which is why I support it...I support the vision and its' reason for existing. Its just that what it has become is not what it started out to be. And Ron is directly responsible for what it is. I just pray that the ministry can continue into the future - but only if it is fundamentally changed.

Jeremy: No it's not a cult as we know cults... It's just severely screwed up in more ways than anyone on the “outside” could possibly imagine or would ever see. It's like a Hollywood western scene: the saloon looks awesome and authentic, but lean on the prop and the whole set comes crumbling down. You can call me if you like and we can discuss it. It's appalling really... and I should know. I'm a former intern, project director, and staff member who served at the director level, sitting right under Ron. The things I saw and witnessed were simply unbelievable
Alumnus 3: Isn't it odd how we discussed this before? You know, about feeling pressured into decisions or we “don't trust God enough.” Heavy heart as all of this is coming to the surface.

Jeremy: A heavy heart indeed... but what's in the darkness will always have a way of coming to the light. If TMM is to survive, it needs a complete leadership and vision overhaul. If I explained what I witnessed while working there, you would think it was a fascinating work of fiction.

Alumnus 3: I don't doubt it. But, I am absolutely grateful for leadership like you.

Jeremy: Yes, there are a lot of good people who are affiliated with TMM, who have great skills and great hearts for young people and missions. That's why 90% of the people that have issues with the organization (and there are hundreds of them, multiple lawsuits, etc.—you'd never know it unless you were on the inside, seeing all of this) don't want TMM to cease to be, but to have their entire upper level leadership dissolved and be resurrected under new leadership and new vision.

Former Director of Marketing: Teen Mania Investigation Was a Sham

2012-02-15T06:00:00.010-06:00

Today we continue the bombshell revelations from Teen Mania's former head of Marketing. This comes from a facebook conversation on a public wall just after the Mind Over Mania documentary aired in November 2011. The entire conversation was over 60 comments and I've edited it down to what is most relevant and newsworthy. (As you can imagine, many of the comments were about how I'm malicious and wrong.) Again, emphasis in bold is mine.

Jeremy: well, there's more. When I got to the ministry and started leading their marketing strategy department (the 9th person in 4 years), one of my main tasks was to "git rid of Recovering Alumni" on the internet from an SEO and digital PR standpoint. And, we did just that...built the systems and content necessary to wage an SEO war with RA. And we were largely successful. By the end of about 6 months of effort, we had knocked most of RA content to the second page of Google under "honor academy" and convinced google not to allow them to run AdWords under the keyword "honor academy"...in the process of combating RA, I was required (like any PR person worth their salt) to research the basis of the content we were trying to combat. Sadly I was unable to defend much of the negative because it actually happened. But that was my job, so I continued to do my job. but now, since no one is left (they like to fire people who come from the corporate world to impact TMMs success as "not a good fit") to continue this, all that work is probably lost...but they can sleep in the bed they made for all I care.

Jeremy: yea, Mind Over Mania was a horrible piece of "journalism", but it did at least rekindle the conversation in a very public way - a conversation that must be had.

Alumnus 2: This is an interesting thread (to say the least). I have a lot of thoughts...say what you will about RA but from what I saw, she confronted TMM and was told that they were going to investigate her claims, then they basically said - sorry - no investigation and immediately published their response website. If I had been hurt, confronted who I perceive to be my abuser, been led to believe that my voice was being heard (which would bring amazing healing) only to be dismissed and find that a website had been posted attempting to discredit my hurt...Well, I'd be more than upset.

Jeremy: they did "investigate" their claims...but they did so without an objective eye and with a pre-determined vision of it's outcome and that predetermined vision of the outcome of the "investigation" was that TMM needs to listen to them, coddle them a bit so they feel heard and then dismiss all the issues that came to light with a tacit apology rather than critically looking internally at the issues and addressing them with humility and an awareness that they have some level of responsibility in the results the ministry had on these people. Then, in true TMM bad PR form, they reacted (against a lot of advice to the contrary) and developed the recoveringalumnirepsonse.com website (that has since been taken down) because RA was killing them at the intern recruitment level and causing scores of young people to back out of the internship (this last August class came in at 230 rather than the traditional 400+)...and with 42% of the intern tuition being "net excess" (basically meaning that 42% of their tuition amount was profit that can be diverted to other parts of the ministry) - that was KILLING their bottom line.

Jeremy: And, about that 42% net excess figure that I threw out, keep in mind that the amount of $ TMM spends on it's interns per meal is less than the Texas penitentiary system spends on it's inmates per meal. So, that puts into perspective of how valuable an intern is to the bottom line and function of the organization.

Jeremy: It's business....keeps the lights on and the ATFs happening. ATF's bring the missionaries for GE and the interns for the HA...they all work in tandem together. ATF is generally is consistently in the red and GE has a nice net excess as well. The margins on GE trips are well into the high teens and low to mid twenties

Former Director of Marketing Drops Bombshell: Dave & Ron Privately Scorn Hurt Interns

2012-02-13T06:00:00.004-06:00

After the Mind Over Mania Documentary in November, several readers directed me to a facebook conversation between Teen Mania's former head of PR/Marketing and several other alumni. Since the page was public, I screencapped everything. After securing all the data, I reached out to the former employee to see if he would be willing to go on the record and share his experiences on this website. He declined my invitation. What I am about to share with you was stated on a public facebook page. I have removed the names and faces of everyone in the conversation with the exception of the first name of the employee, Jeremy. This is so that Teen Mania people will know this is 100% credible.

In case you can't read the screencaps, the conversation is reprinted below (emphasis mine).

Jeremy: yeah, it was a bad piece of journalism, but from being inside sitting directly under ron, seeing and witnessing the arrogance that dave and ron have about the faults of TMM and the HA is appalling. They are both dismissive of all things negative of them, their ministry and their leadership and are highly judgmental of those who've been legitimately scarred by their experiences with TM...regardless of their public claims about seeking reconiliation and whatnot. And what they have done to 'make things right' was a good whitewash from what their perceptive is of it all privately. RA does have an agenda and they are malicious and that was bad journalism (if you can call it that), but that doesn't erase the glaring issues that TMM and it's leadership has. The comment that Ron said on the christianpost article about (that I will poorly quote) "we've had millions of people attend our events and we have 4 people upset about it" is pretty tell tale.

Jeremy: "Here's the quote “We've had literally millions of young people come to our events...and out of all these years – this is our 25th anniversary – they have four people that are saying, 'This is really a bad thing,'” Luce said. There is a problem with this perspective - they are dismissive of anything negative and think people who have problems with the ministry and people who are genuinely hurt by their experience are isolated cases but not indicative of anything systemic and do not require any responsibility on their part...and it's pervasive with the internal leadership.

Alumnus 1: I take that quote to mean that over the course of 25 years, millions of people have found TM's events worthwhile enough to come to, and the RA group has four people that are against TM. Ron didn't say that only 4 people have ever disliked TM.

Alumnus 1: That's how it comes across to me.

Jeremy: that's not what I'm saying either. Ron didn't say that "only 4 people have ever disliked TM." He said "we have had millions of people attend events, they have 4 people here saying it's not good." He's dismissing the accusations and the basis of the documentary - which is people who have legitimate issues with the organization. The fact is (and people who aren't inside seeing these things would never know this), TMM has multiple lawsuits against it, they have hundreds of people engaged on the RA site and there are also other sites like it. This is a much larger issue than many people know.

Are You the Priest or the Good Samaritan?

2012-02-09T23:43:00.002-06:00

Image by Naked Pastor.

Where Does an Intern's Tuition Money Go?

2012-02-08T06:00:00.005-06:00

As we discussed in the last post, first year Honor Academy interns are required to raise $8,400 to complete their program. If an intern fails to stay on the required financial "donation" schedule, they are sent on a fundraising trip. If they are still unable to come up with the funds, they are sent home.

Is this ethical behavior by Teen Mania?

If all of the required "donations" that an intern raised went specifically to their housing, food and other associated program costs, I believe Teen Mania might be justified in dismissing their interns. After all, somebody has to foot the bill for the dorms, the electric bills, the cafeteria food, etc. The reason I say that Teen Mania might be justified is that the intern also works around 30 hours per week (and sometimes more) for FREE. If that were not the case, I think it would be clear that Teen Mania is well within its rights to dismiss an unpaying intern.

HOWEVER...

A recent director level Teen Mania employee publicly stated that:

"42% of the intern tuition is "net excess" (basically meaning that 42% of their tuition amount was profit that can be diverted to other parts of the ministry)."

He went on to explain:

"And, about that 42% net excess figure that I threw out, keep in mind that the amount of $ TMM spends on it's interns per meal is less than the Texas penitentiary system spends on it's inmates per meal. So, that puts into perspective of how valuable an intern is to the bottom line and function of the organization."

Given the fact that 42% of the money that interns are REQUIRED to "donate" is pure profit to the ministry, I think it is wrong that they would financially dismiss any intern.

Teen Mania profits twice on every intern: on their free labor and on their "donations." This is especially sad considering that many interns do not come from wealthy families and are not allowed to hold outside jobs. In fact, many interns barely scrape by - they wash their clothes in the sink because they don't have quarters for laundry, they literally go door to door to beg for money so they can stay at the internship, etc.

I would also like to remind you that in the past Teen Mania has failed to provide soap and toilet paper in the dorm bathrooms - and when questioned about it, Dave Hasz told the interns to buy their own.

So, just to recap: Interns are not allowed to hold outside jobs, many of them end up essentially begging for money, their "tuition" payments fail to cover essentials like toilet paper, soap and healthy, nutritious food all while Teen Mania diverts 42% of their payments to other areas of the organization. I would imagine that those "other areas" sometime include staff salaries...

Meanwhile, Dave Hasz goes home each night to his $400,000 home (in East Texas that is basically a mansion) and Ron Luce has enjoyed a six figure income for over a decade.

The Ethics of Required Fundraising

2012-02-06T06:00:00.002-06:00

In order to be an intern at the Honor Academy, all participants are required to fundraise for Teen Mania. To complete their year, first year interns must raise a total of $8,400. According to Teen Mania, this required "donation" is 100% non-refundable and non-transferable since you are actually giving the money to the Teen Mania general fund. Even though it covers your food and housing, according to Teen Mania, it is a fully tax-deductible charitable gift and not money provided for a good or service.

If you leave or get dismissed, you will not get your money back.

Leaving aside the legal questions this inspires, do you think it is ethical and moral for Teen Mania to kick interns out of the program when they fail to raise enough money? Why or why not? If not, under what circumstances would it be ethical for them to do so?

Nancy's Story: I was a Global Expeditions Team Leader & Project Director

2012-02-01T06:00:00.000-06:00

I stumbled across your blog a month or 2 ago and have been unable to stop reading it since. I was never an intern, I was asked to be on staff of the internship but declined because I witnessed the burnout and dysfunction that was rampant (even after several different times I heard TM was "turning over a new leaf" or it was now a "kinder, gentler, TM").

My TM first mission trip was to Guatemala in 1989 and it literally changed my life. Scott B. was my Team Leader, Dave Hasz was a Mission Advisor (on another team) and Teen Mania only went to 3 different countries for the summer.

It was hard, and good for me as a 17-year-old. I decided to go back as a Team Leader in 1993, 94 and 95, then was asked to be a PD in 1996, which I did. I learned some great things from TM and the leadership opportunities they provided me. I also, like you, agree that they are dangerous, and it sounds like they've gotten more-so since they moved to TX.
By the time I was in leadership with Teen Mania, my experience was already quite different than my first summer as a 17-year-old. When TM was new, they really prided themselves on having almost no "rules." Scott B. used to make it clear they wanted to be very light on rules, and there were basically 3 rules (I believe) that would get you sent home, and other than that there were some other "guidelines," but they made it clear that the rules they did have were for our safety, etc. and I really agreed. (Things like if you wander off by yourself and don't tell anyone else where you are.... )

All the things I'm reading now about people not being able to sit by the other gender on a bus are absolutely shocking. This (among many other things) tells me Legalism is eating TM up from the inside out... it's like TM's own auto-immune disease, and it will only get worse unless DRASTIC steps are taken.

While I appreciate the opportunity provided for leadership at a young age, there were some difficult things I experienced that were exacerbated by the caustic environment at TM. In particular I've seen stories about GE trips gone awry on the blog but haven't seen many contributions about how painful/hard & pressure-filled it is for Team Leaders/Project Directors (TLs/PDs) as well.

My first year as a TL I went to India. It was a first-time country for Teen Mania. None of us knew what we were getting into in India and my PD was clearly exhausting herself running everything all alone (her co-leader was brand new and had no business in that position, so was no help). Sickness was rampant on our teams, much of which could have been averted if we had basic sanitation, decent water & uncontaminated food at the place where we lived, I had one girl dislocate her knee on the bus while on our village trip, and we rode 5 hours over dirt "roads" looking for help with her screaming in agony. I remember no assistance or support from my PDs, when I finally got us home. I had no resources in the way of medical help; it was a miracle I found a hospital that was in any way clean. In fact, the only interaction I remember from my PD when I told her I was struggling with self-doubt as a leader was for her to tell me "watch your internal dialoguing." So…basically, instead of helping me know how to lead, I was just supposed to not think negative thoughts. This was one of many, many, many crazy and dangerous things that happened that summer.

I literally couldn't talk about that trip for weeks, if not months after. I felt like I had survived living in a warzone. I know that sounds ridiculous, it was just a 2 month trip, but it literally felt like I was trying to survive every single day. I think the teens & MAs that were on that trip with us are rock stars... they pulled together and helped each other through it.

My 3rd year as a TL, I was arrested by the Chinese government. I was detained and questioned by myself for several hours. We had been smuggling Bibles and passing out tracks in mainland China for a couple days (our trip was based in Hong Kong). Half of our team got arrested with me, but most of them were allowed to sit together in a room at the police station & drink tea without being "bothered." I and a 15-year-old boy were both separated from the group and individually interrogated at length. It was one of the most mentally trying experiences I've ever gone through.

When we were finally released I was shaking, completely exhausted and felt like I needed some kind of debriefing/counseling. I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders as the police questioned me, pressing for names of our contacts, etc., knowing I literally had the fate of believers in China in my hands. It is not an exaggeration to say their lives were at stake. It was nothing like I was expecting from a summer trip. Again, I feel like my team was the most amazing group of young people; those who were not arrested had no idea where we were, so they organized themselves and stayed up praying until we were released & could get back to them.
When we returned to Hong Kong, I told my PD what happened. I do not remember a single discussion about it (beyond him saying "WHAT???" after I told him we were arrested). There was no process, no debrief. When we got back to Miami there was no acknowledgement from the leadership of TM that a team had gone through this, no offer of empathy or support of any kind. It's like it never happened. And to be honest, for the longest time I never would tell anyone about it either, because it shook me so deeply. I still rarely tell people about it.
I can guarantee that whatever village simulations it sounds like they're putting interns through during the internship are not helpful. In my opinion TM is needlessly placing young people in very stressful & dangerous situations. I could not have been prepared for what I went through by a simulation in Texas, and what's more, I think life brings enough challenges without creating false "trials" like those "Life Transforming Events” I'm reading about on your blog.

When I was a PD my co-leader and I both contracted malaria at the same time, and we both had severe upper-respiratory infections to boot. I (truly not trying to sound dramatic) had thoughts that I might die right there in Africa. We phoned the office in Tulsa (at the time they hadn't yet moved to TX) to ask for help, and the person on the other end of the phone told us to turn to the malaria page in the book "where there is no doctor." That was it. When I got to Miami, I heard that Ron had been clearing his schedule to come to Ghana and relieve us, and that they had sent out notes to the other PDs to pray for us, but we turned the corner & started to improve before Ron actually came. The thing is no one ever told us all this was going on. We felt 100% out there on our own.

The entire time I was in leadership I felt a sense that I was failing. I feel sorry for the ways the teams I led did not get all they needed at times, because I had no more left to give myself. The leadership lessons I learned I would say really help me better in the corporate world, where they want you to be able to "perform" at all costs. I don't remember loving Jesus more as a result of my experiences in leadership with TM. Usually I was so exhausted from lack of sleep and the feeling that I'm being held responsible for 30-100 people's behavior (and that's the truth...just how they look on the outside) that I could barely get much from quiet time or worship. There were OF COURSE good things and good memories and good friends that came along with my experiences too, and I'm not negating those. But I find myself gravely concerned about the ethos of TM, especially given the fact that I don't see true Gospel actually being portrayed or preached. I see something called "Gospel" that is actually poison. People may come away from the HA feeling like they "grew", or had a "positive experience", but I question whether they actually grew in knowing CHRIST. The Gospel (as you know, from what I can tell in reading your blog) is this: we're hopelessly lost, even the "strongest" of us. Jesus said "let me give you a gift that you will never been able to repay." I said "okay, I believe you!" That's it. From start to finish, that's it. We're in the Fam! I do not hear or see that expressed at TM or through the words of those who say they grew at TM.

One of the main reasons I chose to decline Dave Hasz's invitation to be on staff was because of the way I saw friends who were on staff become burned out. I saw people who were unhealthy & co-dependent being drawn to TM, mistreated horribly, and who kept coming back. I saw a machine that had no time to listen to its people. Those I know who were in the internship (years ago) and would now still say it was a good experience, also are those who tend to be very performance-oriented and guilt-ridden or extremely unmerciful themselves...I tend to think those are the ones who "succeeded" in the performance game and don't realize they're even in it.

I honestly have long since let go of resentment that I felt toward TM. I am sharing these things because I believe it's important to speak up when a system is so fundamentally flawed it literally victimizes people who operate on EVERY level.

More Hypocrisy from Teen Mania

2012-01-30T06:00:00.003-06:00

The Honor Academy website recently posted an article about SOPA titled, "Piracy is a Sin...Are You Involved?" It states:

Piracy is considered stealing...As Christians, are we sensitive to the extent of piracy? Do we justify piracy by not labeling our habits as piracy? Most Christians consider selling burned movies and CDs as piracy. However, when it comes to downloading free, pirated music and videos for personal entertainment, some Christians consider it acceptable. Before feature films, we watch piracy previews and copyright warnings. We scan over this info and think of all the stereotyped “thieves” out there. What if we scanned over these warnings and felt convicted for ourselves?

...we need to delete our pirated music and throw away our pirated movies. Why? Because our good and perfect Father commanded us to and nothing he commands is ever against us, but always for us. It is for our own good that we avoid steeling (sic) and instead, trust God to meet our every need.

This is unbelievable considering that Teen Mania regularly pirates music! For example, many of their CCM produced videos use copyrighted music. As far as I know, they are not paying for that privilege the same way that any legitimate television production company would (Teen Mania, feel free to disprove that!) Many ESOAL videos use multiple Christian songs that former CMM members confirm Teen Mania did not pay for.

(Note the irony of producing videos about honor and integrity using stolen music.)

In addition, Ron Luce himself has multiple pirated movies in his home! Or as Ron happily calls them at 1:02 "knock-off videos."

Bonus points if you notice that Ron's son is singing evil secular music in the background. (Most popular culture is "raping virgin America on the sidewalk" but Maroon 5 seems to have the Ron Luce stamp of approval.)

Teen Mania continually preaches a set of strict rules to teenagers - a set of rules they do not apply to themselves.

UPDATE: Commenter "Forever, Char" identifies herself as a CMM intern and confirms that Teen Mania DOES NOT pay to license music for its videos and that they do not believe they need to because they are a non-profit. She goes on to say that Teen Mania "checks and REchecks that they're being legal with all their stuff (I would know, it was my job as an intern with CCM)." Its unfortunate that they did not train her correctly for her job considering that she is paying a lot of money to learn how to work in the television and film industry. Regardless of what Teen Mania told her, non-profits are not exempt from copyright rules. Doug Rittenhouse, head of CMM, knows better.

As someone with a degree in television production and several years spent working in the television industry, I can say that if I EVER used a piece of copyright music without licensing it, I would have been in very hot water.

On Being Beautiful

2012-01-26T06:00:00.000-06:00

In last week's post, "Be Beautiful...but Don't Caust Lust," we discussed Teen Mania's teachings that women should put on makeup and wear their hair in specific ways because as Dave Hasz said, "we have to look at you."

A couple of nights ago, Fitz added such an outstanding comment that it deserves its own post. Thank you, Fitz! (Emphasis is mine.)

This is just horrible. I've been sitting on the sentiments behind this and it is so disgusting. The Honor Academy boasts about being a culture separate from 'the world' but if you compare Dave Hasz's ideas about women's appearance and the world's, they are EXACTLY the same in concept. If anything, the HA works as a magnifier for this kind of sexist dribble that is completely pervasive in our society.

The idea that Dave Hasz is sending these girls is that that women, above being people they are decoration, that they owe it to men and other onlookers to maintain a certain standard of decoration, and that their bodies are public property.

It breaks my heart to see a message so destructive coming from leadership that does nothing but claim they are teaching the young women on campus to be Godly, independent women. Prettiness when done as an obligation or penance is 100% divorced from independence.

To the women of the HA who are currently there or have been there and have been affected by this message, there is something you need to know and embrace:

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE PRETTY.
You don't owe prettiness to anyone.
You don't owe prettiness to your boyfriend, spouse or partner.
You don't owe prettiness to your co-workers or your fellow interns.
You don't owe prettiness to your mother, your sisters or your core mates.
You don't owe prettiness to your children.
You don't owe prettiness to civilization or society in general.

PRETTINESS IS NOT A FEE YOU PAY FOR OCCUPYING SPACE WHILE FEMALE.

Prettiness, if you choose to look pretty, is for you. Because prettiness can be rewarding, pleasant and fun. Prettiness can make you and people around you happy, and making yourself and others happy is feels nice and is often satisfying! But NEVER is your obligation to make other people happy at the expense of your body. Your body is for you and God.

Robin's Story

2012-01-25T06:00:00.000-06:00

Note from RA: Before the current CA system, each intern "core group" was led by a staff member whose title was "Intern Advisor." The CA's reported directly to the IA and each intern had regular meetings with the staff member as well.

From my very first one-on-one meeting with Nikki Bradshaw, (my assigned Intern Adviser for my year as a Teen Mania intern) I knew I didn't measure up to her. I have been overweight for the majority of my life and, since joining a controlling and legalistic church at the age of 15, I came to have guilt complexes about many things. As can be imagined, Teen Mania only escalated this. I told Nikki that I felt guilty any time I ate. I hoped she would help me work on that guilt because I knew even then that it wasn't from God. However, Nikki's response was to put me on a strict diet even though she had no medical or nutritionist training and really had no right to tell me what I should and shouldn't have in my diet. As it turned out, I have hypoglycemia and anemia (among many other conditions, but those were two that I had then, even though I hadn't yet been diagnosed). I never made the connection then, but now I see the connection between her “past” struggle with anorexia and the way she tried to “fix” my guilt concerning food. It was one instance of her control issues spilling out onto her interns.

I never liked the restrictions she gave me. The only sort of sweetener I was allowed to have, ever, was honey. I was not allowed to ever have any desserts, or sweets of any kind. Even when my mother sent me care packages containing cookies or candy, I was expected to surrender it to her or give it to someone else. At this point in my life, I wasn't even considered obese. I was overweight, sure, but her extreme restrictions on me had the opposite effect once I was out of the honor academy. I recall being at fun nights for our core group, and all of the other girls eating M&Ms and other treats. I already felt like a misfit, and this only solidified the feeling that my weight made me different than the rest of the group - undeserving of special treats. It wasn't anything like “have a small amount,” or “check the serving size on the bag and stick to that.” She was the one who gave me the restrictions. She was the one who provided the snacks, and she did not provide any alternatives for me. When I brought up that I thought it was unfair that everyone was snacking on M&Ms and Doritos, and I was left out, I was asked if I would react the same way if all of my friends were sinning and I was the only one not sinning. Everything was rules. Nothing was seen with the point of view of love, grace, or building relationships.

In fact, I feel as though very little that happened in our group encouraged camaraderie amongst us young women. A lot of it was the elevation of her favorites and subtle degradation of the rest of us. We were never asked to lead anything, to speak publicly, to put to practice what we were supposedly learning in our leadership training class. I remember feeling like God had an encouraging word for me to share with the assembly during a worship night led by Nikki. I was told no without a chance to say what it was, that maybe I could share it at the next core group meeting, but that never happened either. I felt like this was only one example of how Nikki Bradshaw and the leadership at Teen Mania told me out right or sent messages that I had nothing to offer other interns or the leadership. All I was good for was impacting the lives of the kids they wanted to recruit to the Honor Academy or to missions. I was at the bottom of the Teen Mania barrel, and I know I am not the only one to feel this way.

Most of my one-on-one interactions with Nikki were a bit demeaning. I worked on B-shift, and I had a meeting with her a bit early in the day, so I went there before my shower. My hair is thin and gets sort of greasy w/in 24 hours, so since I had not showered since the day before (or, God forbid, maybe I didn't shower the day before for whatever reason), she opened with “Did you exercise before you came here?” I said no. Then she asked if I had showered right before, and I think it was obvious that I had not. So I said no again. She grimaced and I believe she said something about my hygiene, which was not poor by any stretch. I just had greasy hair that morning since I had woken up with enough time for a (mandated) hour quiet time and breakfast before my appointment time with her.

Nothing was ever good enough for Nikki, or any staff member who had input in my life that year. There were two exceptions that I can think of to this rule. I remember Nikki saying many times that there is no such thing as too high of a standard. Even then, I felt this was wrong, but I had to fight hard inside myself to maintain even some semblance of this belief, since she and so many around me held that you can never be too holy. This goes directly against scripture in Colossians 2:18-23

Don't let anyone condemn you by insisting on self-denial. And don't let anyone say you must worship angels, even though they say they have had visions about this. These people claim to be so humble, but their sinful minds have made them proud. But they are not connected to Christ, the head of the body. For we are joined together in his body by his strong sinews, and we grow only as we get our nourishment and strength from God. You have died with Christ, and he has set you free from the evil powers of this world. So why do you keep on following rules of the world, such as, "Don't handle, don't eat, don't touch." Such rules are mere human teaching about things that are gone as soon as we use them. These rules may seem wise because they require strong devotion, humility, and severe bodily discipline. But they have no effect when it comes to conquering a person's evil thoughts and desires.

So much of what we were fed daily at Teen Mania's Honor Academy goes directly against this passage. So much of what Nikki Bradshaw emphasized was in direct opposition to this passage, and so many more that are rich in grace.

Most of what I can clearly remember regarding her is included in this letter. Much of my time with her is fuzzy in my mind now. This is the way it goes with most harmful times in my life. Overall, I remember a sense of being looked down upon and of never being comfortable with her. I was too emotional for her — something harshly frowned upon. Mind you, being too emotional at Teen Mania was having any significant “negative” emotional reaction. We were given extensive personality tests — something I've always found fun, but only people of an “A type” personality were ever promoted, put in leadership positions, seen as the ultimate interns, and, if you ask me, were taken seriously. Nikki was only one of many who told me that I was allowing my emotions to control me any time I became upset. In retrospect, I feel as though I was being stripped of who I was and of my own desires and was being conditioned to shove my emotions and reactions and sense of injustice regarding anything done by staff or leadership. I was being taught to chalk anything of the sort up to my emotions trying to be in charge.

I'm sure more will come out about Nikki as I continue to process what happened at Teen Mania, but the worst offense has never left my mind. Despite the negative factors there, I did seek God with all my heart while down there, and he did meet me and began to work some deep healing in my life. Some of that healing meant remembering repressed memories. Also, I had grown close to a couple of the January interns who were assigned to my bedroom. The weekend of our Intern Adviser Group retreat, I had remembered hearing my mother being raped by my step father about three years prior to my year there. I sought comfort from this in one of my roommates during the first night of our retreat. After a bit, Nikki pulled me aside — something that was never good. She told us that the way we were sitting, we looked like a lesbian couple. I told her what was going on, and she only reiterated that the way we were sitting is a way a man would hold a woman. Then she coldly brought me in her room and made me tell her what I remembered. Then she prayed for about five minutes or less, and when I tried to talk more, she told me she had already given me all the time she had to spare that night and that I needed to pull it together for the rest of the weekend. I felt as if she stripped me naked, stole all my clothing, and then sent me into a social gathering. It was awful and I remember telling someone it was a weekend from hell. Later on, in the great fashion of an intern, someone told me I was being over-emotional and should have a better attitude about Nikki and the people in our group.

Once Shannon Ethridge was hired, in the last two or three months I spent there, I had begun to seek her out and received more compassion and helpful insight from her in two or three months than I had in nine or ten with Nikki. By far at that, since all I seemed to receive from Nikki was judgment.

When I look back at her, I'm appalled that she was ever put into a position of mentoring young woman. I am angry that I was treated as a the red-headed step child because I am more open with my emotions than she is and because I was heavier than most, but not all of the girls in my group. I feel a great sense of injustice because I realize she never tried to see me for who I am, and never sought to find out my strengths, but only put stress on my weaknesses — whether real or imagined by her and teen mania. Sadly, she is only one in several to leave me with this sense.

I have asked RA to leave my name off of this only to protect my mother's privacy, and that of my family, However, she has my permission to put anyone in contact with me who wants to talk to me about this for any reason.

Thank you for reading my story.

Sophie's Story: Global Expeditions Review

2012-01-23T06:00:00.001-06:00

While I am not an Honor Academy Alumni, I feel that my experiences as a Global Expeditions missionary in ‘04 and ‘05 have majorly effected the way I see Christianity. I was twelve when I first went on a junior trip to Costa Rica, and having earned the two thousand dollars required to go all on my own, I was so proud and excited to be apart of God’s work. I was going to be a “world changer.”

On my first trip, not many red flags came up. I loved doing street ministry, liked my role in the drama “Rag Man,” and felt very close to god the whole time. There were “small” issues I didn’t think much of at the time, being only twelve and not knowing any better, like the lack of decent nutrition. We mostly ate rice and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches (mine were just peanut butter because I was allergic to the strawberry jelly and was offered no alternative).

Only one thing stands out in my mind from that first trip, something I will probably never forget, seeing as I still feel ashamed when I think about it.

My group was sent to a nursing home about halfway through the week, and we were set to perform the Ragman, along with offering testimony to the group. During our performance, most of our team noticed that there was a teenaged girl in the audience with severe physical and mental disabilities. The muscles on her legs were atrophied, and she was not able to speak. The second we were released to talk with the residents, a huge group immediately gathered around the girl, ignoring many people who actually wanted further discussion. At one point, I noticed that two girls were speaking in gibberish, and looking really pleased with themselves. When they saw the confused look I was giving them, they told me that they were speaking in tongues, and that the truly godly were actually able to do it. A Missionary Advisor watched this entire exchange and didn’t refute what they said, instead continuing to pray over the girl (who at this time, our translators had discovered was a daughter of one of the facility’s nurses).

When the girl never started talking or walking, members of the group physically lifted her from her chair, and moved her legs in stepping motions over the ground. The young girl had no way to say if it hurt or not, no way to tell them if she didn’t want their hands all over her...I was appalled. I felt sick to my stomach. It only got worse when the girl who had taken on this “mission” first declared the girl healed, and had the rest put her back in her chair. That night at the evening service, everyone was talking about the miracle, and I had a knot in my stomach that wouldn‘t go away. However, I tried my hardest to push this memory out of my mind. Convinced that if she wasn’t healed, it was because of my own doubt.

Overall, I felt really great about the experience, and with the exception of what happened at the nursing home, I felt excited to go again the next summer.

Over the course of the next year, I built up a core group of great friends through my youth group. I convinced five of my friends to join me on another trip to Costa Rica, and after discussing the idea with our parents and minister, we began fundraising.

At the halfway mark before our trip, we found out (not through teen mania directly) that our trip had been overbooked, and that the first people to meet their trip balance would be the ones able to go. We were all horrified at the threat of losing “our trip” and got the rest of the money as soon as possible, but this was the beginning of the end of my faith in TM.

When we got to Garden Valley, we spent three days in physical hell. Between twelve hour rehearsals for our drama, and spending our first night in those domes (I often thought I saw racoon eyes reflecting back at me), we were all exhausted. One of the girls in my group was getting sick, and was almost sent home before we were even out of the country.

Once in Costa Rica, we found out the phone that had previously been at our residence was no longer there. Because of this, we were unable to call home for our first week in Costa Rica (though we and our families had been promised contact within 24 hours of our getting “in country“). Our parents were horrified that their daughters were out of the country and completely unreachable, and Teen Mania had no information about our individual well-being. Many parents did have reason to worry, seeing as two or three of our missionaries ended up in the hospital from severe dehydration. If I’m remembering right, there was also a concussed boy from a different group hospitalized overnight.

There were also lots of issues with the Team Leaders (TLs) and Missionary Advisors (MAs). It became apparent fairly early on in the trip that some of the younger missionaries where having trouble socially, and just weren’t reading cues as well as others. For example, there was a boy who asked lots of questions, all the time. It was obvious he was just doing this because he felt out of place in this environment, but the MA’s were incredibly short with him, not seeming to care that they were making the kid feel terrible. Likewise, for one of my more progressive Christian friends, the relationship with her MA was very hostile. She was regularly forced to discuss her “disobedience” with our team leaders. I’m pretty sure all she did was ask “why?” to some of the rules that didn’t make sense to her.

My worst issue came during a street outreach session. As we were leaving the street that we’d been witnessing on, a man who had been standing in the back of the crowd came up and kissed me on the cheek very suddenly as I was getting on the bus. An MA (the one my friend had issues with) furiously told me “never to do that again.” I hadn’t done anything! When I discussed how upset I was, she said, “Why are you telling me?” and I told her I thought she might want to know, she gave me a brisk, “Um, no” before walking away.

This issue with adults hadn’t been much of a problem in Garden Valley, where I had actually received a fair amount of attention for recruiting five of my friends into the missions field.

The food situation didn’t get better this time around, and when I came home from my trip, I was considerably lighter than when I had left. Once back in Garden Valley, I remember the speaker telling us over and over that people back home didn’t understand the change in us, or our experiences, and how we were to talk to our parents to ensure that we were able to come back again. Even after all of this, I still steadfastly believed that the trip had been a great experience.

But there are scars that came from both of those trips that have effected my identity as a Christian ever since. Once I no longer had the spiritual high that came along with daily services, concerts, etc. I felt empty. God felt very far away, and Teen Mania did nothing to reach out and see how I or my friends were adjusting post-trip. The strive for perfection that TM ingrained in me from 04-05 left me feeling insecure about my faith, and incapable of believing that my perfectly natural urges and feelings were ok. Sexual feelings? No! Worldly! Disagreeing with something written in the bible? What? No! Worldly! Secular music? Worldly! This led to lots of self loathing, over a long period of time, because I thought that I was constantly failing God. Eventually, this led to a complete break with Christianity altogether, which has only recently (since having my son) begun to mend.

I hadn’t really discussed these experiences much before watching “Mind Over Mania.” Since watching it, I actually began work on my final paper for one of my college classes, centered around the damage I believe TM is causing kids. As I began writing the paper, memories of the trips came flooding back, sometimes in a very painful way, and I eventually decided to submit my story. My hope is that in sharing my experiences, other Global Expeditions Alumni dealing with the same issues will feel understood.

________________________________________

Note from RA: After reading Sophie's story, I asked her what her 5 friends thought of the trip. This was her response:

After the trip, we all actually kind of went our separate ways. One of the girls and I moved out of state fairly soon after getting home, and because of some serious schisms in our own church, most of us lost contact. Before all of that, though, we almost never talked about our trip. The only time I remember talking about it is one with one of the girls several years ago. She pretty much said, "That trip changed us all for the worst" and that was the end of the conversation.

Be Beautiful...but Don't Cause Lust

2012-01-18T06:00:00.004-06:00

Out of one side of their mouths, Teen Mania tells women not to be responsible for causing men to lust. Yet, out of the other side of their mouths, they tell women to make sure they are being feminine and beautiful.

The most infamous example of this is Dave Hasz's "paint the barn" speech. In the first week of the Honor Academy, Dave Hasz gives his "Aura of a Statesman" teaching which includes very specific suggestions/requirements for grooming habits while at Teen Mania. He encourages women to "paint the barn" i.e. - wear makeup. He would go on to say that many barns look old and dilapidated and just need a fresh coat of paint. Many interns took offense to this statement (and rightfully so), so he quit using that particular saying while still preaching exactly the same message.

He would also tell women not to just put their hair in a ponytail every day because "we have to look at you everyday." He wants women to put some effort into their apperance and do their hair differently each day. In fact, just this week Dave took it even a step further and suggested specific hairstyles that women should wear in order for the modern intern woman to look "feminine and beautiful."

This tweet from Teen Mania communications consultant Cindy Mallette says, "@DavidHasz educates the @HonorAcademy interns on waterfall braids."

And all this time, I thought beauty was on the inside.

These statements are so wildly inappropriate and misogynistic that it literally makes me sick. Is there any other environment where you can imagine a leader dictating to his female employees or followers how they should wear their hair? The only one that comes to my mind is CULT.

Kate's Story

2012-01-17T06:00:00.000-06:00

I was an intern at Teen Mania's Honor Academy over ten years ago. To this day, I know I have blocked out many of the situations that occurred there. I loved and hated that year and still do. I find it so sad that for each beautiful memory I have, it is tainted with one of pure pain.

While being an intern, I confessed to a woman in leadership that I had been nearly raped when I was 17. I was told that my impure thoughts had made it happen. I also confessed that I had masturbated on and off through my high school years and this woman in leadership told me that because of my doing that to my own body, that I had caused this man twice my age to attempt to rape me. She told me that I might always be sexually scarred and never be able to have a healthy relationship with a man unless I continually asked God to forgive me for touching myself and for making a grown man touch me.

I had not thought of this moment for so many years, but as I remembered it, I felt myself going back to that place as if it were yesterday. The yearning for acceptance, for someone to hear me and understand and for them to help me. It didn't go exactly as I'd hoped it would. Looking back, I cannot believe I believed her, but I did. I am thankful though, that I don't believe her anymore.

A Man's Lust: Whose Fault is It?

2012-01-16T06:00:00.001-06:00

A few weeks ago, a kerfuffle erupted in the now defunct HA/RA Discussion Group on facebook. A former intern asserted that the Honor Academy teaches the dangerous and victim blaming idea that women are responsible for men’s inability to control their lustful thoughts. In response, Dave Hasz stated unequivocally that the Honor Academy does NOT teach that women are responsible for a man’s inability to control his lustful thoughts.

And yet, we have so much evidence to disprove that.

As we proceed, please keep in mind that this is a sensitive topic, especially among those who have been sexually assaulted and harassed. In both Christian and non-Christian circles, victims are often blamed by saying that they “were asking for it” with the way they dressed, etc. The only person that is responsible for unwanted sexual thoughts, sexual advances, sexual harassment or sexual abuse is the perpetrator of those acts. If you can’t understand that, your comments will be moderated. Many of my readers have been victims of sexual abuse and its important that this remains a safe place for them.

So, on to some of the evidence.

1) In the document, “Ways a Teen Mania Woman Acts on Campus,” one of the most shockingly sexist pieces of TM literature I’ve ever read, we read the following:

She carefully and tastefully selects what she wears, as a result, she respects herself and honors her brothers.
-- She checks herself before she leaves her room (cleavage, outfit length and tightness, splits etc)
-- She realizes that men are visual and she doesn’t want to be the stumbling block to any of the men on campus.
-- She allows other women to speak into her wardrobe
-- If she has any doubts or concerns about her outfit, she asks and takes advice or she changes

2) Last year, during one of her Risen Women’s classes, Katie Luce said,

“We have a responsibility to our brothers in the Lord. Girls, they are so visually oriented and that’s the way God made them. And so we’ve got to be careful and we’ve got to guard their purity and guard their hearts and love them by dressing appropriately.” You know I’ve heard girls say, “Well if he lusts after me, it’s his problem.” And I say, “No, girlfriend, it is YOUR problem because the Bible says to us that we have got to dress modestly and we’ve got to be obedient to that. Now, if you are dressing modestly and then he is lusting after you – yes, it’s his problem.”

There are so many problems with this teaching, especially as its carried out at TM. There is already a strict dress code – its not like women are going around in mini-skirts and halter tops. Who gets to define modesty? Who defines appropriate dress?

At Teen Mania, simply wearing your purse across your chest is considered inappropriate because it emphasizes your breasts.

Women are often made to feel guilty that they are tempting guys just by virtue of their existence. This is unhealthy and breeds unnecessary shame for the women and endows them with a sense of suspicion of the guys – who are portrayed as largely sex-crazed and unable to see anything else in a woman. Can you see the dysfunction?

3) Women of the Honor Academy have been subjected to a teaching on purity entitled, "Do Not Arouse anything in your brother you cannot righteously fulfill." Notice who they are teaching is responsible for a man's arousal - the woman. (Side note: arousal is not a sin! Its an involuntary biological response.)

"Do not arouse anything in your brother or sister that you cannot righteously fulfill. What does that mean? It means that you should not defraud your brother or sister. Stirring up desires in yourself or in your brother and sister that you could not fulfill and still remain Christlike."

During that same teaching, the women are also taught the absolutely insane and absurd idea that, "The only reason for marriage is that 2 can serve God more effectively together than apart." (But that's a whole 'nother post!)

So, we have an official Teen Mania document circulated amongst the women, an official record of a "purity" teaching that makes women responsible for a man's arousal AND an official teaching from Katie Luce herself dated just over a year ago. That is more than enough evidence to disprove Dave’s statement.

And yet, I know there is so much more out there. Women - were you made to feel that you were responsible for men's inability to control their sexual lust? Men - did you feel you had the right to confront a women for wearing something that caused you to lust?

Sound off.

Teen Mania's Communications Consultant Caught in Lie

2012-01-12T06:00:00.001-06:00

Today's post is written by Mandy, a Global Expeditions alumnus. As you read, please keep in mind Teen Mania's definition of a lie: "the intent to deceive."

My name is Mandy, and I went on two mission trips with Teen Mania Ministries sixteen and seventeen years ago. I first learned about their summer missions, now called Global Expeditions, at an Acquire the Fire conference I attended with my youth group. Recently, I posted a blog post on my personal blog about my experience with Teen Mania Ministries. To summarize my post, I stated that as I have grown older and become a critical thinker, I have become concerned about what I experienced and whether or not it was harmful.

I never intended to post my experience on Recovering Alumni. In fact, in my blog post, I even voiced concerns about the Recovering Alumni website. However, I think that parents of potential Honor Academy and Global Expeditions participants should be aware of the response I received on my blog.

A person by the name of Cindy made a comment in response to my blog post. Please feel free to look at my original post and her comments so that you know I am not taking her comments out of context. One portion of her comment reads:

I’ve been doing a lot of research on Teen Mania since watching that documentary, and overall most of what I’ve read are positive stories about how Teen Mania is changing student’s lives and helping hurting teens find healing through Christ.

Sure, there will be mistakes and problems in that organization, just like in ANY organization. That is because Teen Mania is run by humans, who are mistake- prone and need grace too.

I hope the readers of your post do think critically about what is happening at Teen Mania. Keep in mind that people who’ve had a bad experience are more likely to speak out and have more of an emotional reaction in their comments than those who have had a positive one. I don’t always leave shining reviews of restaurants on Yelp, but if I have a bad waiter, or the food wasn’t right, I make it a point to leave a review. Get the picture?

When I read her comment, it struck me as something I would have heard when I participated in Teen Mania programs as a teen. I looked up the email address that she provided to make the comment. After searching online, I discovered that Cindy is a Communications Consultant for Teen Mania Ministries. Additionally, the IP address she used when commenting is registered to Teen Mania Ministries. Furthermore, her Twitter account indicates that she is working for the organization.

Cindy’s post on my blog is unethical because she did not disclose that she has a material connection with Teen Mania Ministries. She implied that she was a neutral third party. Not only does her LinkedIn account indicate that she is working as a consultant for Teen Mania, her Twitter account indicates that her sister is looking into the Honor Academy. It is well known among marketing and PR professionals that employees or individuals who have a material connection to an organization should disclose that relationship when they make posts on blogs about the organization. Bart Lazar (2010), an attorney and partner at Seyfarth Shaw Attorneys at Law, wrote:

If employees are permitted to blog about their [organization’s] products/services (which is considered by many to be the practical approach these days), employees must clearly and conspicuously disclose their relationship with the employer…Employers should avoid encouraging untrained and unmonitored employees to blog about their company's products and/ or services, just in case the employer is subject to suffer loss to its goodwill or be found to engage in unfair or deceptive practices, such as astroturfing. (p. 20)

Some might wonder if this code of ethics applies to nonprofit organizations. Yes, it does. For example, the nonprofit organization, Give Well, came under scrutiny when two employees posted on blogs and other forums but did not disclose their affiliation with Give Well. It is considered so inappropriate, that Give Well has an entire webpage devoted to the actions it took in response: http://givewell.org/about/official-records/board-meeting-3/FAQ-on-inappropriate-marketing

Further, Katya Andresen (2008), a professional who blogs about non-profit marketing asserted:

In the Web 2.0 world, no matter how good your intentions, you pay a big price for misrepresenting yourself. In your job, please never be tempted to AstroTurf. Don’t anonymously post good things about your organization or bad things about others without identifying yourself, because it’s unethical in my view. And if that’s not incentive enough, know that those tricks tend to get discovered. They will estrange and enrage the very people you set out to influence. You and your cause will get burned. (para. 8)

To Teen Mania and Cindy, what you did is unethical. Your actions only add to my concern about Teen Mania Ministries. Parents, if you read positive comments about Teen Mania Ministries, I would be careful to make sure the comments are authentic and not created by employees or paid representatives. I was made aware of another blogger that had a similar experience with another Teen Mania employee making comments on his blog without disclosing his employment with Teen Mania.

I never intended on writing a post for Recovering Alumni. Teen Mania, you should have taken Katya Andresen’s advice. How should parents trust you with their teenagers when I cannot even trust what you write on my blog?

Andresen, K. (2008). Astroturfing burns. Be authentic or else. Posted at: http://www.nonprofitmarketingblog.com/comments/astroturfing_burns_be_authentic_or_else/

Lazar, B. (2010). Drafting social network policies. Information Today, 27.5(May2010), 20.

Elizabeth's Story, part 2

2012-01-11T06:00:00.000-06:00

I have to insert here that my core, brother core, and sister core were wonderful. I love them to pieces and wouldn’t trade them for anything. I wouldn’t trade my time at the HA for anything because of some of the so precious relationships I still have. We loved on each other, had some wonderful times, and created some beautiful memories. I love those people and am so thankful for them. They taught me so much about selflessness and love, about support. Wonderful wonderful people.

My confrontations were never huge blowups. I don’t think I really stood out to much of anyone. I didn’t have any major mess up’s, I wasn’t hugely hot or popular or vocal in class or a star at anything other than submitting trouble tickets to IT. As awesome as my core family was, I never really felt like I fit in with any of the groups. I did my quite times and everything else on my Accountability Card (or, if I missed some stuff here or there like a QT or workout or ten, I lied because I was terrified of getting in trouble and disappointing even more people). I was determined to be the perfect intern. I would finally prove that I was not a screw up. Prove that my brother was wrong, I could do something right.

I remember that one of the holidays I had major problems again with my brother. I called my CA wanting to come home early and saying that I did not want to go home at Christmas or at least didn’t want to go home for the whole break. I was essentially told to tough it out and “we’d talk later and we’d see.” I did go home for Christmas. I think I remember feeling like it wasn’t really abuse because once again, I wasn’t being taken seriously and my feelings were being diminished so obviously I was exaggerating (I was telling myself this). My CA was a wonderful woman, I just think she mishandled the situation. It did make me happy to get back to the HA and my friends at the end of Christmas.

I don’t really remember any particularly outstanding negative incidents over the spring. I know that I came away from the HA feeling like I had to look nice to please God, feeling that same Elitist attitude others have described, and having a difficult time adjusting to life “outside the bubble.” However, my core/sister core/brother core were as great as ever. Our brother core gave us a really really great experience in Dallas and my core made my Birthday really special. They also showed their wonderful colors when I was sent home on a fundraising trip due to being behind on my funds. I came back with nowhere near the amount I needed and was crying the whole way, sure I was going to be financially dismissed. I walked into my dorm expecting to start packing my things. On my bunk was a Styrofoam cup with writing and notes and numbers. My core, sister core, and brother core had, unbeknownst to me, done some fundraising on my behalf. They called people and got people from THEIR homes and THEIR families to donate. They donated their extra funds that were left over in their accounts. They raised all the money I needed. I was blown away. I literally started crying. They demonstrated such a selfless act of love. I can’t even put into words the way that has stuck with me through the years as an example of grace and friendship. I would get to finish my internship and graduate.

The worst experience of my time at the HA came towards the end of the year. For most of the year, I was on a GE call team called the Pathfinders. We only handled teens who had been on a GE trip before. People who got GE alumni on an incoming call transferred them to us. All of us had been on a GE trip before. We would have this special bond with our missionaries and would be able to remind them of the passion they felt and the need they had experienced for missionaries like ourselves to take the love of God to others. We would have our own stories of fundraising, and testimonials to the safety of the trips and to how God worked, we would be able to sympathize with the feelings of culture shock when we came back from a trip. I was on this team all the way from August through when call teams were broken up at the beginning of the summer and I was transferred to be a Summer Volunteer Coordinator (that was my request as I had been a Summer Volunteer and wanted to love on the kids, I knew I would be moved and wanted to feel like I was really making a difference… and maybe get to carry a radio and learn to drive a gator? Haha! The gator did not happen, for the record.).

The whole year, I had worked with the same people except for a little bit of turnover in January, as was to be expected. One of the guys on my team was Michael Tackett. He was my Team Leader for a lot of the year. He was a great guy and someone I got to be really good friends with. Again, no sunflower, although I am a little surprised in retrospect that I didn’t get confronted about it. Anyways, everyone liked Michael, I don’t think he ever met a stranger and it is impossible for me to imagine someone meeting him and not liking him. He loved God and he loved people. I think that’s the best way I can sum it up. He was kind, compassionate, and funny as all heck.

On his way driving back from visiting his family in Nebraska, he was in a wreck in Dallas. He was in a coma for a couple of days. Finally, he died. I had been praying, with everyone else, for his recovery, but I kept having this feeling that he wasn’t going to survive, that it would end with a funeral. Every time I would scold myself for my lack of faith and pray even harder and believe as fervently as I could that he could be healed. Well, one day, Rick Brenner sent out a ministry wide email saying there would be a “Family Meeting” in the auditorium and everyone who wasn’t out running Extreme Camps was to be there. Somehow I knew what it was about. I walked out of my office in the hanger to go to the Admin Building and saw Rick, another intern (J), and someone else, I can’t remember who, walking along. I asked him what the meeting was about and he said he couldn’t say yet. I asked him “Michael’s dead isn’t he?” and he said yes, but that everyone needed to find out at the same time and I needed to act like I didn’t know anything.

For the next hour or however long, I had to go around looking cheerful and acting like I didn’t know anything. I saw J in the foyer and hugged him and started to crumble but had to pull together because I couldn’t cry yet. I had to go all that time knowing that my friend was dead and I had to act like he wasn’t. That was a lot to ask of a 19 year old girl. I wish they had taken me up to an office to let me sit in one by myself until the meeting. Anyways, when we went in, I picked out people to sit with whom I know I could lose it around. I remember sitting there thinking “It’s about to be real” and almost wishing that I could just keep on pretending so that I didn’t have to face reality. That did not happen. We were a mess.

I remember pretty much everything that happened that evening up until a certain point. It’s hazy but I have memories and basically know where I was. I went back to my office to call my parents and tell them. My supervisor told me to take a few days off work. Bless her, she didn’t make me feel guilty or anything, she was so compassionate and understanding. I remember going to the SUB that evening for a sort of visitation with Michael’s core and sister core and hugging a friend I had been in a fight with. I saw one of the Ministry Team girls I was friends with and we ran back to the cafeteria together in the rain, I said that it was like God was crying with us. We ate supper together and talked (well, I sort of picked at some salad). She didn’t know him that well I don’t think but she cried with and for me, because she was my friend. It meant a lot.

After that I went to the Auditorium where they were doing Praise and Worship in the evening session for the campers. I sat on a stack of chairs in a dark corner in the back where a wall met the sound booth and cried. One of the guys from the MT gave me a huge hug and just held me, not trying to explain anything or offer any platitudes. I don’t know if he knows (heck I don’t even know that he remembers me) but that meant so much to me. It still does. I got so sick of Christian platitudes and hearing that “It’s okay, God has a plan”, etc. etc. It wasn’t okay and I wasn’t okay and I was having a really REALLY hard time trusting God or seeing any good in what seemed to me to be the untimely death of someone who had his whole life before him, someone who had plans to be a missionary, who was making such a difference and was going to continue doing so.

Anyways, I remember walking out of the auditorium and across the foyer. I remember opening the door and stepping out of the Admin and the next thing I can remember, I was walking in the doors of Carey Hall after curfew. I’m guessing I must have told someone since I didn’t get in trouble for being late. But I have no recollection. And it’s not even like I remember time but have a big 4 hour block of nothing. That’s the worst part, I think. I have literally no sense of time passing. It literally felt/still feels like I blinked. I don’t know where I was, who I was with, what I did, what I said, nothing. For all I know I went out in the Back 40 and did a naked sun dance around a sacrificial goat. It freaks me out so so so badly. I have tried so often to remember but I can’t. And that fact scares the heck out of me. I think about that missing block of time and I freak out. I literally feel my heart start to race, and feel like I’m going to have a panic attack. I want to remember but I can’t and I don’t know why. Why can’t I remember? Why can I remember parts of the day? Wouldn’t it make sense that my memory lapse would start when I found out or when they made the announcement? No, I remember all of that far more vividly than I would like. But what I want to remember I can’t. Maybe it’s silly that it bugs me so much but it does.

I grieved. A lot. I cried and cried and cried. I read my Bible, I prayed, I wrote, I think I cried myself to sleep on the couch in the HA lobby once or twice. I stopped eating, I had no appetite. I lost enough weight that my MT guy friend looked at me at lunch one day when he passed me in the Caf and could tell I had lost weight and made me eat something. Not only was I grieving the loss of a good friend, right before graduation, I felt guilty. I felt like my “lack of faith” was at least partially responsible. If I had prayed more/harder/better and believed God instead of “doubting,” Michael would still have been alive. It was my fault. I had killed him. I know now that that isn’t true, that I believed that God COULD heal him I just wasn’t sure if He WOULD. There’s a world of difference and I didn’t realize that. Occasionally I still feel a little guilty but it’s mostly gone now. I still miss him though and the loss of that time bothers me.

I wish there had been a large number of grief/trauma counselors highly visible and available. Maybe there were but if there were I can’t remember being told about them (other than Jose Cano). I think that my experience and not dealing with that grief has continued to affect how I grieve even now. I’ve had several losses in my family that I think probably some of the problems I’ve had in my grief at those losses can be tracked back to that time. I wish someone had seen how much I was hurting and made me go talk to a professional. I can’t really hold it against them though, everyone else was dealing with grief as well. I do think that if Teen Mania did not have multiple counselors available on campus, that was poorly thought out on their part. I hope to find out what resources were made readily and easily available and if there was a lack, make suggestions to TM as to how to handle it differently should they have a similar thing happen in the future (may it not be so).

We went to the funeral, we took a TM bus up to Nebraska. The bus broke down on the way back and we got back and literally jumped into debriefing and getting ready to graduate. There was no time to decompress or process anything. I can’t remember whether they addressed grief and his death during debriefing. We graduated. I went home. I slept for forever, I was exhausted in every way. I still haven’t really dealt with what happened. I’ve thought many times about going to see someone about it, especially with how much the memory loss upsets me, but I always put it off. I know I should but I don’t want to. It scares me to confront it, but I want my memories back. I at least want some sense of time passing.

I know now that it wasn’t my fault. I occasionally wonder if I could/should have prayed more/harder but I know that I did what I could. I have learned since then that prayer is not a vending machine and “In the name of Jesus Christ” is not a quarter to make sure that what we pray gives us the results we ask for. I just wish I could have learned the lesson an easier way and I really really wish I had talked to a counselor then and there. I wish I had never had to spend that time pretending everything was okay. I wish I could have just believed God both could and would heal Michael.

I’m pretty sure I’ve got more about the little things here and there that I probably need to process but I’m going to leave it for now. Most of the hurts I experienced were the result of a legalistic, sexist, elitist, judgmental culture at Teen Mania that replicates itself each year through GI’s passing along what they have experienced and eventually becoming staff. I don’t wish I hadn’t gone to the HA because I did learn a lot and have great experiences and make some wonderful friends I wouldn’t trade for anything. I can’t help but wonder though if it would have been better for me emotionally and mentally if I hadn’t gone to the HA, hadn’t known Michael, hadn’t had to deal with losing a co-worker, classmate, and friend suddenly and tragically.

I till to this day sometimes wonder if my faith is strong enough, if I am enough, if my little hurts matter as much as someone else’s big hurts, if some of my poor choices regarding guys (and trust, there have most certainly been some very very poor choices with regard to guys) are because I wasn’t friends with girls as much as I should have been or if I should have spent more time with girls and spent too much time/friendship on guys, why I didn’t feel like I really belonged. I feel like it must have been my fault for not being more.. I don’t know. More something. Anyways, I’ll close with a poem I wrote those few days off, to help express how I was feeling and what I wish someone would have seen and recognized.

I don't like where I am
Or even where I've been
It's full of dark, devoid of light.
Despair and anguish, these I know.
Looking at the sky I shake my fist
And cry out "God, oh God, oh why?
Why here, why now, why pain?".
My heart is bruised and scarred,
More so with every tear I cry.
Cold, so cold and dark,
Devoid of light and light no more,
But not numb, I feel the pain.
It cuts my heart, it stabs and bites.
A dagger thrust inside.
And now drained, so drained.
Until more tears come to my eyes,
A memory inside my mind
It springs to life
And brings more tears, more pain,
More cold, more dark,
And more goodbyes to friends I've loved,
Too much too soon, I hurt.
Welcome to my heart.

Elizabeth's Story, part 1

2012-01-09T06:00:00.000-06:00

My Honor Academy experience wasn’t nearly as overtly abusive as other people’s was. Sometimes I feel silly for even wanting to write down my story because I didn’t have any of those nutso experiences. I feel like my experiences don’t really matter because the hurts were all “little.” Even now while I’m writing this all down and getting ready to send it in, I’m asking myself if my story deserves to be listed. However, after talking about it, I realized that there was in fact a pretty big issue that was probably badly mishandled that has in all likelihood affected me in very big ways ever since I graduated and continues to affect me to this very day. But that’s at the end of the year and I’ll get there eventually. Forgive me if I ramble, I have no clue what I’ll write with this or where it will go.

My involvement with Teen Mania began in the summer of 1998. A few friends from church, including our pastor’s son, heard about TM and went on some mission trips. They came back with such a passion for God and missions and with some incredible stories of how they saw God move. I prayed and felt like I was supposed to go on a trip the next year. So, in the summer of 1999, I went on Panama Z, a two week trip. I loved it. I came back so in love with God and feeling passionate and zealous. I immediately started fundraising and saving so I could go again the next year. In 2000, I was accepted to go to Poland. However, after I was accepted, the trip was canceled and my mom and I realized we had both been feeling like Panama was really where I was called. I ended up going on Panama A, a one month trip.

I came back from Panama very much in love with the country, the culture, and the people. I still am. I absolutely would love to go back to Panama to visit. That month I had a lot of great experiences. I also realize now that it was my first experience with the elitism, legalism, and judgmentalism that exists. A girl from my team was dismissed and I felt loftier than her, that she had “sinned.” I was the better Christian because I hadn’t engaged in a relationship I wasn’t supposed to have. *snorts* I felt that I was a stronger Christian somehow than all the other teens who didn’t go on a mission trip. I was hearing God, I was sacrificing and obeying! I was horrified when a friend of mine from church was dismissed from her trip. Again with the judgmentalism. Between the two trips, I was totally convinced that I was called to go to the Honor Academy when I graduated high school. My senior year I went to a preview weekend with my parents and they came away suitably impressed. We all were.

I had a rough year in 2001 – 2002. My dad had been laid off so things were tense at home. He and my brother fought a lot and I felt like I got stuck in the middle and felt like they took their frustrations out on me. Whether that was true or not I’m not really sure. What I do know is that my brother, who was 2 ½ years younger than me but taller, was verbally, emotionally, and occasionally physically abusive. Literally every single day of my senior year he would tell me that I was dumb, stupid, fat, ugly, and no guy would ever be interested in me as anything other than a friend cuss at me, etc. This set me up for failure down the road with guys but that’s also another story. Anyways, I tried to tell a friend at church, someone I considered a very close friend and a spiritual mentor of sorts, definitely someone I looked up to. They told me that I needed to stop whining and stop throwing myself a pity party. Nobody I tried to tell at church believed that my “perfect family” could be having such a rough time; we put on a darn good façade. We later found out that my brother had started using drugs and alcohol which explains a lot, but still, it was very hurtful. I started believing my brother and even though I can look back now and know that I was FAR from fat and, quite possibly, a little too thin, I felt that I was chubby and would sometimes not eat or go try to make myself throw up.

It didn’t help that I was having a rough year socially at school. It was a small private Christian school at a Baptist church and I was one of very few non-Baptists. I, unlike them, believed in speaking in tongues, dancing, etc., and Bible class was often rather… ahem… passionate… since I didn’t hesitate to ask questions or speak up when I didn’t understand or didn’t agree. In fact, the period that I was in Bible class, our teacher ended up first banning the discussion of the subject of speaking in tongues, and then had to further forbid us from even saying the phrase/word. It got that nuts with people going off on me. I was also pretty mild mannered and soft spoken so I was a perfect target for a lot of other kids, including kids in my own class (To give you an idea of the size of the school, grades 7 – 12 totaled somewhere between 60 and 70, my graduating class, at 11 I believe it was, was larger than the year before, when 4 graduated). I was an easy target for bullying because I didn’t ever do anything to strike back. Pretty much every lunch period was spent in the cafeteria kitchen (I was friends with the lunch lady and her daughters) crying and asking why they were so mean to me. As a note, the girls from my class who were so mean to me have since come to me of their own accord asking forgiveness for how they treated me and we have come to be actual friends. I feel I should say that out of fairness to them.

Moving on. I went in to my year at the HA with this background of “Wow, I really suck. Even my brother doesn’t like me. I’m fat, dumb, stupid, etc.” and having no sense of belonging. The atmosphere of being surrounded by people my age who loved me and weren’t mean to me, of having people I could actually trust, was a balm to my wounded soul. I especially gravitated towards my brother core and some of the other guys on campus, partly because I grew up with a bunch of guys and was just super comfortable around them - mostly guy cousins, playing sports and managing the guys basketball team my senior year, etc., - partly because as far as I was concerned since no guy would ever be interested in me I (and they) had nothing to worry about from hanging out, largely in part because it was such a foreign feeling to have guys who actually treated me the way a brother was supposed to. I had always envied other girls their big brothers and certainly the last couple of years had envied anyone who had even a minimally decent and at the very least civil relationship with their brothers, so to have guys who cared about me as a sister and treated me the right way, it was huge. It was foreign. I wasn’t interested in any of them and having been homeschooled and then gone to a small private school the last few years, I had never learned the social games. I had no idea how to flirt or anything of the sort and saw guys as friends, so why wouldn’t I hang out with them? It was like a new toy!

Perhaps you can imagine my absolute shock and horror when eventually I was confronted because someone had noticed that I spent a lot of time with one of the guys in my brother core (we often sat together at class, in the Cafeteria, would chat briefly at work, that type of thing) and that they were getting the impression I had a “sunflower.” (TM speak for a crush) The thought had never entered my head. I tried to explain that that was just me being friendly and that I didn’t mean anything by it and certainly didn’t have romantic feelings but I was told that that was the impression I gave and basically, that I needed to fix it. I promised to “cool it” (I can’t remember what exact phrase I used but it was something along those lines) and then proceeded to completely ignore him. If I saw where he sat in class I would choose the farthest away seat. If he sat down near me I would get up and move as far away as possible. I refused to look at or speak to him, if I needed something from him or his office at work I would ask someone else to get it for me… “Hey, would you mind since you’re already going back there?” If I saw him walking along I sped up, dropped back, or (the preferable option) took a different path, even if it put me out of my way for where I was going. I was pretty ridiculous but I felt like that was what I had to do to prove that I was an obedient intern. I am thankful that eventually I got over being spooked and we were able to be friends again...I just didn’t spend nearly as much time with him.

Whenever I was confronted, I generally got the impression that whoever was doing the confronting was automatically right and if I tried to explain myself I was being argumentative, stubborn, and needed to have a “teachable spirit.” My experience was that confrontation did not leave room for discussion unless you wanted to have a nice chat with your CA and/or Advisor and possibly/probably end up on probation, campused, or dismissed. Throughout the entire ministry, confrontation seemed in quite a lot of cases to be in a more judgmental spirit, with an attitude of looking down one’s nose at the other, than the loving one it should have been with an open mind to the possibility that maybe, just maybe, you really did misunderstand/misinterpret whatever you were confronting the person about and certainly a willingness to hear them out.

I look back now and I think it is absolutely ridiculous that I couldn’t speak up for myself without fear of getting in trouble. I also think it’s ridiculous that whether or not you were confronted for how much time you spent with a guy or how you dressed seemed dependent on how attractive and popular you were.

Speaking of how you were dressed, that was another thing I got told I needed to be better about. My appearance. I grew up make-up free and without an emphasis on popular fashion. My style was (I suppose is still) very eclectic. One day I’d wear something cowboy, the next I was girly girl, the next I was professional, the next I was preppy, the next rocker, etc. Not to be a poser, just because I liked various styles and felt like dressing in different ways. I had a cowboy hat (black felt with a tan band) that I absolutely loved. I wore it with pretty much everything. Another favorite was that I liked to pull my hair back under a bandanna, sort of like a headband. It reminded me of my mission trips to Panama and I liked how it looked. However, I was told that I needed to start putting more effort into my appearance. I needed to start actually doing something with my hair and spend some time on my makeup and try to look nicer, and not just “throw my hair back in a ponytail” or “throw on a hat or a bandanna” because I needed to look my best for God and be respectful of others. This reinforced my belief that my brother was right and I was ugly. Looking back, who CARES if I wanted to wear a ponytail every single day? I’m pretty sure God didn’t, nor did He care if I spent any time whatsoever on my makeup.

Jessica's Story: A Global Expeditions Review

2012-01-04T06:00:00.001-06:00

Thank you for this blog. I feel like a lot of the things I felt for years after being involved with Teen Mania in the mid 90's are now validated.

I remember my first Acquire the Fire. It was actually held in our church (it used to be that small!). I was a new Christian and loved every second of it. I remember going with a team to our local mall and attempting to convert people as they shopped. I was embarrassed but I knew that God wanted me to do this. Sigh.

I decided to go to Ecuador the next summer. Oh my gosh, I was so excited. I raised $4,300 dollars and went to Miami for training and then on to Quito. Ron Luce flew down with us on the plane and I kept taking pictures of him.

The trip was both horrible and wonderful. It was wonderful to see a new country and to be so focused on Christ. But there were other really hard parts to my trip.

First, the first night that we were assigned our teams, our TL prayed for me in front of everyone asking God to reassure me that, "No, she won't be sent home, God...I know she is afraid of that." Oh, wow. I was so embarrassed. I wasn't afraid of being "Bon Voyaged" (they now call it being "dismissed") but I felt like I needed to agree with her in order to be spiritual.

That summer, TM sent thousands of missionaries all over the world and had only five missionaries sent home. Two of them were on my team of thirty. One boy, Josh, was sent home because of his attitude. The other girl, Pat, was sent home because she was deemed to be flirting with the Brazilian cycling team that was staying in our hotel. Both of these episodes were really horrible and the devastation in my friends wasn't hard to see. But, at the same time, I had to trust that it was the right thing. I didn't want to question the leadership.

Another team with us in Quito had a really bad bus crash on a Village trip. The kids were stranded in the jungle for five hours, had to drink rancid water, and some of the kids were injured. One of my friends hurt her neck in the crash and had to wear a brace for the remainder of the trip. This was all very exciting, of course, because we knew that we were facing demonic opposition. Other events were also exciting - like the time our team performed our drama in an all-male prison. I was resurrected in the drama so I had to be placed on the floor. Unfortunately, the floor was filthy - there was about an inch of urine on it. I remember the feeling of being placed in the urine. I didn't want to feel upset, though, because I wanted more of Jesus. This was the way for that to happen, right?

The last thing that happened that shook my faith was our witnessing. Our day trips got more and more haphazard until finally our team would load up on the bus and drive until the Team Leaders found a place to stop. We'd perform our drama and, of course, most of the watching Ecuadorians got saved. I remember being really confused because we would get these people saved but then drive away. What was going to happen to them? How were they going to get discipled since we rarely followed up with a local church? It was the first time in my budding faith that I had to really wrestle with tough questions about the church, salvation, and other tricky theological ideas.

I know my story is pretty tame compared to what I've read on the blog. But a lot of it resonates with me because I remember the whole mindset of Teen Mania and how much it confused me as a young Christian.

When Good Ministries Go Bad

2012-01-02T06:00:00.001-06:00

We can all be deceived and fall into error, and we can do that though we have good character and the best of intentions.
So writes Cindy at the blog Under Much Grace. She is addressing a common misconception that an abusive environment = malicious leadership. In fact, that is not the case at all. Its very common for abusive Christian leaders to be nice people with wonderful intentions and lofty goals to impact the world for Christ.

So how does an organization that started out with such wonderful motives go so terribly, terribly wrong? How can a well intentioned person become so abusive?

Many also hold a false assumption that people who run such ministries could have only started out with some deliberate and conscious intent to harm people or use others for personal gain. I believe that in many cases, Christian groups that get off course and fall into patterns of spiritual abuse and thought reform do so because of the trappings of human nature as opposed to any deliberate choice to do harm or to be covertly manipulative. Those who have great aspirations very likely have great and lofty goals which are dripping with goodness and virtue. The problem is not one of intent or even in the desired end. The problem becomes one of the means one uses to achieve the desired end.

She goes on to describe how zeal and ambition can easily lead one into becoming gradually more and more controlling. Unfortunately, good intentions are not enough to guarantee an abuse-free environment. Read the whole thing.

I can certainly identify with this piece - my time at the Honor Academy turned me into a spiritual abuser. I judged people based on how they measured up to an arbitrary legalistic standard and confronted them over meaningless and petty things - but I did all this because I thought it was how to be a good Christian. My motives were good but my behavior was terrible. And other people suffered because of it.

We all do things out of ignorance that hurt other people - the true test of your motives is how do you respond once you learn that you are hurting people? Do you villify them to protect yourself? Or do you grieve over the way you injured them and seek to make amends?

Gender Roles at Teen Mania

2011-12-16T18:43:00.004-06:00

The first paragraph from the latest Honor Academy newsletter actually makes me want to barf. Regarding the Men's and Women's Life Transforming Event, it said:

It was an encouraging weekend with men doing manly activities (like rescuing their sister core) and women doing womenly activities (like being rescued by their brother core) as well as hearing solid teachings that brought Godly manhood and womanhood to the forefront.

Who decided those categories of manly and womanly things? These are just reinforcements of negative gender stereotypes. There are plenty of strong women in the Bible who led men and actually did the rescuing themselves. Where is Teen Mania getting this gender philosophy? Because its not from the Bible...

There is A LOT more that can be said about this topic and I'll try to tackle that next year. Time for a holiday break now and posting will resume January 2nd.

The Pressure of ESOAL/PEARL

2011-12-14T06:00:00.001-06:00

As usual, Teen Mania continues its doublespeak. On one hand, they insist that ESOAL/PEARL is optional and you can quit at any time without condemnation. On the other hand, they say that anyone who rings out is a quitter (remember Ron's comment in the MSNBC documentary?)

In 2011, they also posted signs on the ESOAL/PEARL field that say:

"I cannot quit. I will not quit. Quitting is not an option."

So which is it - is quitting a valid option or not?

The Honor Academy: Legalistic by Design

2011-12-12T06:00:00.000-06:00

Frequent commenter Eric P. has written a devastating critique of Teen Mania's foundational theology in his article, "Ashamed of the Gospel? A Case Study of Works Based Doctrine." It is quite extensive and shows how Teen Mania turns the true meaning of the Scripture on its head in order to promote a works-based Christian lifestyle instead of a grace-based Christian life.

Eric systematically analyzes one of the foundational teachings given by David Hasz to the interns during their first week of the Honor Academy and demolishes the idea on which the Honor Academy is essentially built: Embracing a standard of moral excellence leads to sanctification, knowing God better and a heart of love.

As Eric points out, "The problem is that, if you want to achieve moral excellence, having a standard is not the way to get it. Standards don’t do a thing to keep anyone from sin."

The entire essay is worth reading and chewing on, but here is the takeaway:

Teen Mania says that keeping the standard results in love. The Bible says that love results in the ability to keep the standards.

Hasz has it the wrong way around. He’s saying that the tree grows downward from the fruit, that the cart pushes the horse, that first you grow up and then you come to life. In the Honor Academy’s view, love is an afterthought that comes along once you’ve worked hard enough at keeping the standard. In Scripture, love is the center of all things, the summary of all the rules, the very heart and identity of God.

Read the whole thing.

Noelle's Story, part 3

2011-12-07T06:00:00.000-06:00

My mom and dad wanted me to wait it out and stay there for the two months (that we already paid for). I got voicemails from friends and family encouraging me to stick it out. I ignored them. I had to. I couldn’t stay. Not after all that had happened that day. Adair’s parents bought me a bus ticket and arranged for a cab to pick me up the following morning. I felt so much relief that they were behind me and that they believed what I was saying. Everyone else was convinced that I was just homesick. I told my Dad that Adair’s parents got me a bus ticket. He told me he would reimburse them and finally agreed to let me come home.

I was so nervous to tell my Core Advisor, Dina, that I was leaving. Fortunately the evening service was cut short after we watched a video on ESOAL. I was chastised for reading my bible during the worship service. I didn’t care. The weird thing about the worship is I kind of realized that the reason why I didn’t feel comfortable was because the God those people were worshiping, was not my God. My God is a God of love and grace not one that demands all sorts of legalistic rules and secret events/societies. I honestly think that that was why I was unable to get into worship.

I went back to my room and while my roommates studied and memorized stuff they didn’t notice that I was packing my things. Once I was all packed up, I was finally ready to go to Dina. I knew she was going to try and talk me out of it. And I was prepared to be insistent no matter what. I looked for her in her room but she wasn’t there. One of the girls from my core told me she was off campus. I groaned and decided to call her anyway.

The conversation started with me saying “I’m leaving tomorrow. My mind isn’t going to change. I just wanted to let you know.”

It was a lot harder than it sounded. She was really upset when I told her. I’m pretty sure she was crying at some point. She told me that they prayed for everyone that was accepted and that I was going out of God’s will if I left. I didn’t give her a lot of detail on why I was leaving. I didn’t tell her about the bible verses. Every reason I gave her, she argued back at me and it almost made me see her point. I am really bad at arguing. I am firm on what I believe but I don’t like conflict. I don’t like proving my point. I just wanted her to let me go.

Finally after 2.5 hours on the phone she relented and a few minutes after that I talked to Katie, the dorm director. Thank God, she only tried to convince me to stay for 15 minutes. She even went as far as to say that I shouldn’t go because I’d be taking a bus home and buses are dirty. I told her that at that point my transportation out of the place didn’t matter, I would hitchhike home if I had no other option. She gave me paperwork to sign and left my Dad a voicemail. As soon as I signed those papers I felt so free. I gave her my key and my binder. I didn’t want anything from the Honor Academy.

I told my roommates that I was leaving and gave one of them my bedding and some storage bins. She didn’t bring a lot of stuff with her. I packed up the rest of my things and had trouble sleeping. There were too many thoughts running through my head. Things that Dina said that stuck with me, things that Dave Hasz had said, and the events of the past five days deprived me of a peaceful rest. Before I knew it my roommates alarms were going off at 5:00a.m, for corporate exercise. I got up with them and said good-bye. My only friend, Gina gave me her number and e-mail and told me to keep in touch. She also wrote me a touching note. I felt bad when I said good-bye to Dina. I knew she felt ashamed that another one of her girls was leaving. I was worried that she would get in trouble or would be told that she hadn’t done enough to keep me there. I hugged her and told her I’d let her know when I was home safe.

They finally left and I was finally alone. It was strange to be completely alone. I was finally able to breathe. I laid back in bed for a little bit and then packed the final load. I went downstairs around six thirty to meet my cab. I ran into a few people asking me why I was leaving. I just said I didn’t feel like it was the right place for me. I met the cab driver at the gate and he told me he could pick me up outside my dorm and help me get my luggage in the cab. As we drove off we passed by a group of interns running.

“There goes another one!” someone yelled sarcastically. They cheered. I didn’t care. I was free. I was in a cab and I was on my way to a bus station. The sun was rising and never before had I seen such a beautiful sunrise. I was going home.

After the Honor Academy - After my long bus ride home where I discovered my passion for urban ministry, I returned home and lived in a few different places. I applied for jobs and started babysitting. I started showing signs of depression and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I didn’t like going to my new church anymore. I wasn’t sure if I could trust them. I didn’t like worship because they sang the same songs that Honor Academy did. I would freak out if I saw someone that looked like someone I knew at Honor Academy. I had dreams at least once a week that I was back there. I was confused out of my mind on whether or not I made the right decision. Almost everyone was convinced that I came home just because I was homesick, even my Aunt Mare. I searched online too much about it, trying to find something that would prove to them that I was right, trying to prove to myself that I was right. It made my trust issues deeper. It made me run back to my childhood church because I was comfortable there. As time passed by I felt better little by little, day by day. I finally received affirmation that I made the right choice in leaving when I read the blog posts on recoveringalumni.com.

Conclusion: I was only at the Honor Academy for five days. Five days. But the affect it had on me was rough. I cannot imagine what would have happened if I had stayed the whole year or even the two months that my Dad paid for. While God met me and showed me He was with me when I was there, I really wish that I had prayed more before I went. I would have saved a lot of wasted months in depression. It matured me in a lot of ways but it was painful and I still shudder at the thought of ever returning. A week or two ago I had a panic attack at the sound of Ron Luce’s name on a local Christian radio station. The hardest thing I think, is the mashed up good mixed with bad. I doubt even the good things. I still do. And I don’t want to. But it’s something God is helping me with. He’s showing me that He is good. And even though there are a lot of misguided teachings and leaders, He is in control and light always triumphs over darkness.

Noelle's Story, part 2

2011-12-06T06:00:00.000-06:00

Friday, August 15, 2008 - I was on a plane to Dallas, Texas. My plane was late during my connection. My mom decided to meet me in Dallas from Jacksonville. She rented a car so that way I could get bedding and storage bins and all that. We got on the road right away - I was going to be late because of the delays. We stopped for quick lunch at subway and then after lots of country roads and driving around the middle of nowhere, we arrived at Teen Mania ministries.

I registered and did all the business-y things while my mom brought my stuff back to my room. Once we got me all unpacked and settled, we ate dinner. We really were late because there were practically no interns in the dining room. I ate my chicken and broccoli quietly unsure of what to expect. After that we went to the worship service and my Mom at some point went to Target to get some more things that I needed. The worship was overwhelming and when Ron Luce and Dave Hasz came out the crowd cheered like they were celebrities...that freaked me out. I left worship early and said good-bye to my Mom. She told me that she was leaving me with full confidence that it was a good place. I wasn’t so sure yet.

Around ten o’clock I was getting ready for bed. There were still lots of people in my room talking to my roommates. One girl that was in the room was talking and even though I was tired I was listening. "They divided us into two different groups, one believers, the other non-believers. I was in the group of non believers. It was weird because at some point we actually forgot that we were believers." She also said something about doing a rain dance. I sat up and looked at her in shock. I immediately thought of what my friend had been telling me for the past six months. He was convinced that the HA was a cult after I told him about the vision weekend, where you fasted from food, drinks, and having any sort of communication with anyone. I fell asleep that night, thinking about what he said and what the girl said, worried that my friend was right.

August 16th-August 19th, 2008 - (this is the part where all my memories run together. Probably due to the late nights and early mornings) Before I knew it, it was 5:00a.m. and time for corporate exercise. I had been training for it as much as I could, but I was definitely not prepared for the running. We jumped right into running a few miles. After we were done and it was time for breakfast, I staggered up the hill and made some oatmeal and had a granny smith apple. It turned out that that would be one of my favorite parts of the internship.

The first day we spent going over the core values and the rules and stuff. It was a lot of Dave Hasz talking. And I remember every time I got out of a session I left with extreme guilt. I think it’s good to feel guilt after a sermon or teaching but there was a lack of grace. There was no talk about God’s grace even though we are all sinners. Another thing that struck me as weird was that one of the rules was that you could not represent teen mania in a negative light. Yes, talking bad about an organization you belong to is probably not a good idea. But I wondered why they would even have that rule if there wasn’t something wrong.

There were a lot of rumors about ESOAL. I remembered seeing the video on the website before and was majorly creeped out by the disturbing images but I was relieved that the event was optional. However, when I heard two second year interns rambling about how many people were going to break their legs at ESOAL, I was alarmed. This was a Christian Internship, so why would Teen Mania put their interns in a position where they could be harmed physically? Why would they even want to risk that? It was supposed to be a safe place for us. So far I didn’t feel safe at all.

During worship I just couldn’t get into it. People were raising their hands and jumping around. I was totally used to that but something about it felt off and wrong. The singers and the band were awesome but I just felt like I was an alien on a strange new planet. So I just stood in the back waiting for it to be over.

My absolute favorite time was when we were to have quiet times with God. It was mid-morning. During the time I would take my notebook and Bible and just flip through it. I found Joshua 1:9, "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and be courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” I clung to that verse and was reminded that even though I wasn’t sure about the place I chose to spend the next year of my life and was extremely weirded out by a lot of things, God was with me.

I had been talking to my best friend and her mom about the Honor Academy, telling them about the things that I found odd and not right. They ended up doing research for me. I don’t remember exactly when I started to doubt that I should be there but decided that I would stay for at least the two months that my Dad had already paid for. I shared similar concerns with one of the girls, Laura, from my gauntlet core. She didn’t think that it was the right place for her either and was planning on going back to Dallas. One of the girls from our core had left after only one day. After Laura, talked to Dina, our core advisor, she was convinced to stay. I tried to go along with her, pinning my doubts to homesickness and the shock of being in a place that I’d never been before and in an entirely new experience. After Laura talked to Dina, Dina gathered us all together and told us that if anyone had doubts about whether or not they should be there, they should tell her now. I didn’t say anything because I wasn’t wanting anyone to know that I was having doubts just yet because I wasn’t sure what I was going to do yet.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008- This was such a long day. My calves were hurting from being pushed too hard in corporate.(One of them was probably strained or something because it took two or three months before it stopped hurting.) I was tired. I was so tired. That morning we had interviews so that they could decide where we would be for our ministry placement. I told them about my involvement in Campus Life and they dismissed the ministry, as if their ministry was the only important one.

We wrote letters to ourselves, about what we expected from the year and stuff. I’m betting mine was different than a lot of peoples. I rambled for awhile and then in my last paragraph I wrote “I hope that you’ve stayed true to yourself and your personal beliefs. I hope you know that your value has nothing to do with your outside appearance or whether or not you wear makeup.” I have never been one of those girls that needed make up to define them and it seemed like every girl I met wore make up and was ten times more fashionable then I was. And that was fine. They could do what they wanted but I didn’t want to do that just so I would fit in. I was happy with how God made me.

We watched some movie with Mark Ruffalo. He was in prison. I didn’t really follow it. I was so tired and the lights being out just made me want to sleep. I didn’t really understand what they wanted us to get out of the movie. The only thing I found relatable was the fact that Mark was in prison and I felt like I was prison. I hadn’t seen the outside world in five days and felt extremely trapped.

I had another interview after lunch and came back to the main building into the middle of a seminar. Dave Hasz was talking about appearance and as I sat down he started addressing the women. He told the women that wearing make up was mandatory. I felt that same feeling of shock that I felt when I found out the Honor Academy North was shutting down. I sat next to one of the girls in my core about it. I was like, “Did he just say what I thought he said?”

She showed me her notes and I was shocked. I was just telling myself not to conform and not to go against what I believed and here was the leader of the group, telling me that I had to do something I didn’t believe in. I was shaking and I couldn’t get out of that room fast enough. I called my best friend, Adair and started bawling. I knew that I couldn’t wait. I couldn’t stay there for two more months. I didn’t belong there. It was so obvious. I didn’t even care that I was crying out on that bench in broad daylight. I just lost it. Adair’s mom got on the phone and told me that she had a dream that I had gone to her house with a black car proudly telling them that I was leasing it. She asked me why I would spend my money to rent a car when I could spend the same amount and own it. We both kind of knew what the dream meant. Why would I spend all that money to devote a year to God and find my purpose in life, when I could very well do the same thing at home.

She encouraged me to pray and spend some time with God and ask him to give me a clear answer. I sat alone at dinner with my little pink bible. I thought a lot and when I finally prayed and asked God to give me a verse I turned right to Galatians 1:6-7 6, "I am astonished that you are so quickly deserting the one who called you by the grace of Christ and are turning to a different gospel— which is really no gospel at all. Evidently some people are throwing you into confusion and are trying to pervert the gospel of Christ." I read and re-read the verses. Below that in Galatians 1: 10, "For am I now seeking the approval of man or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of God."

I got back on the phone with Adair and told her the verses. She read to me the section in our Anchors Away book, the section: What is A Cult? (Anchors Away was a college level course we took that spring to prepare us for college/our first year out of high school. Coincidently, I left my book at home because I didn’t think that I would need it.) Galatians 1:6-7 was listed.

I was shocked at how closely those verses applied to what was going on in my life at that moment. And in that moment, I knew I needed to leave. I had never been so sure of anything in my entire life.

My mom and dad wanted me to wait it out and stay there for the two months (that we already paid for).....

Noelle's Story, part 1

2011-12-05T06:00:00.001-06:00

In 2007, I heard about the Honor Academy internship from my Mom. I was talking with her about my future one night on the phone. I was telling her how I wasn’t sure what I was going to do after high school. She told me about Honor Academy. A girl from our old church had gone there years before and apparently had a good experience. I immediately looked it up online and saw that they were affiliated with Acquire the Fire. My youth group had been there several times and although I never attended, it seemed like something that was good. I was excited to see that there was a campus in Minneapolis so I wouldn’t have to go all the way to Texas. I applied right away.

I waited for what seemed like forever to see if I was going to be accepted. I was also applying to Mission Year, an urban ministry program. I figured that if I got accepted to the Honor Academy, it would be God’s will.

On Tuesday, March 18, 2008 I finally got the phone call. I was accepted. I immediately made a pro/con list. Here were the pros: I’d take a year off to focus on God and His purpose in my life, I’d have structure, it would prepare me for the future, no secular music or tv - I was trying to cut that all out anyway, it was only 7 hours and 25 minutes away from home, holiday breaks and five days of vacation, I would grow as a person and in my faith, and finally, I would get away from my dad.

The cons: Expensive, maybe too strict, far from home, early mornings and late nights, and not much privacy for a person that relishes their privacy. However, I crossed out the cons, and basically just decided I was going. I did pray about it. I told God that I wanted to do His will. But I just figured that since that was the only thing that was working out, that that was His will.

From March to July of 2008, my life was filled with school and endings and new beginnings and avoiding my dad. I was at my aunt Mare’s house almost every weekend and every Wednesday night for church at Faith Church. It was so different from my old church. I loved the sermons and I loved learning more. I had been going to church all my life but I never really learned from the sermons and was able to apply them to my life. I always had the Honor Academy in the back of my mind and tried to do as much research on it as I could. The website explained the programs but it always felt like I should know more. If I’m remembering correctly, I never saw a statement of beliefs or anything. I always found that odd.

July 14, 2008- I was searching online late one night in Florida. I wanted to find out more about the Honor Academy North campus. It was hard to believe that I would be there in a little bit more than a month. I swear my heart stopped for a minute when I clicked on a link that read “Honor Academy North closing down” or something of the sort. I felt a cool rush of shock and I sat there frozen in the desk chair for hours. Reading and re-reading the website again. It was on the Bethany School of Missions website, which is where the Honor Academy north interns were housed. It said that the Honor Academy north would be closing as of July 2008 and all the interns would be going to the Texas campus. I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t sleep that night. I told my family. My mom was as shocked as I was and assured me that she would call the HA later that day. I listed some questions to ask my representative:

1.) Why is HA north shutting down?
2.) When was this determined?
3.) Why wasn’t I contacted?
4.) Will I be able to get my money back if I am unable to go to Texas?
5.) Could I possibly start in January of 2009 instead?

I never asked all those questions. I finally talked to someone about it and they said they tried to call me but I never answered. (I was on a trip in Florida at the time but I did have a cell phone. The one call I did get from them they were asking me if I had any questions and I mentioned stuff about the Minnesota campus but she never told me.) They never left me a voicemail and they definitely could have e-mailed me. I told them I would go to Texas, despite the fact that I would have to fly instead of drive, meaning that I’d only be able to take a few things with me and I wouldn’t have transportation once I was down there.

Shannon's Story, part 6

2011-12-01T06:00:00.000-06:00

At this same time, I was struggling with my work life. When I first returned to MN after my divorce, I was sleeping on my mom’s couch in her one bedroom apartment. I took up a retail job and actually liked what I was doing. It was for an artsy store, so I at least got to be in a somewhat creative element, and the manager there recognized my hard work and I was quickly promoted. Those things had done a lot for my self-esteem at the time, and help get me out of the depression after the divorce. Things changed however, when I was offered a promotion to another location. I accepted it and took an apartment nearby. The opportunity however, fell through after I had signed the lease. Within a couple of weeks I was beginning a new job for a temp agency and was thrust into a sedentary office job. By the time everything occurred with my home church, I was increasingly depressed about working this daily grind just to make ends meet. There was no passion for me in my daily life and I was exhausted when I came home. My life became very small and food became my solace. I dated a non-Christian during that first position, just out of loneliness. I also felt myself slipping away from the truth and thought that nothing mattered — I didn’t matter, morals didn’t matter.

I got myself into a position at my apartment where I let my boyfriend “take advantage of me.” I had started out saying no, but it was a foreign statement. Really. I never stood up for myself or said NO at Teen Mania. I didn’t say no to my parents. The times I raised up any questions at my old church, I was shut down. (One instance was when no one would give me a ride to a conference at the church and the closest person to me refused because he was a male, so it would be wrong for us to be in the car alone together. Never mind the fact that this same guy went out of his way to offer help, like rides, to a girl in the church whom he had already expressed his desire to court, which she had rejected. He would sacrifice his appearance for her but not anyone else in need.) It was very similar to me not being able to get rides into town, to the doctor, or to church when I was at TM.

So at any rate, I did not stand my ground and I sinned with this person and I knew it was wrong. And I fell into a deeper depression because I had never done anything so evil and I didn’t know how anyone, including God could forgive me. So I kept it a secret.

To my shame I shortly after dated someone else, a nominal Christian. But I felt that I was no better and had no right for anything different. And then I did something that I never thought I would have done in a million years. I did something I never told anyone about. Something that I am even afraid to share here. I had an abortion. The reason I don’t talk about it is the shame. I was ashamed to tell anyone I had gotten in that situation and I didn’t know what to do. My father and sister had become like best friends in the past couple years as he supported her financially and I had seen the evidence that he was molesting her four young children. (That’s its own story). I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to protect a child from him, and it was a huge factor in my choice. During the actual procedure (which again, is a whole other story), the doctor advised me that this was not a “viable” or “healthy” pregnancy. Just prior to that the technician told me there was no heartbeat and it appeared to be an “empty sac.” But honestly, the whole experience made me feel like I was at a “death farm” and I was prodded along like cattle. I felt lightheaded and drugged up as I tried to dress and I couldn’t think of what to say, or questions to ask. Afterwards, and to this day I wondered whether the things they said had been true.

I’m sorry if my story is too long or offensive for some. I want very much to be honest because I believe that one of the real problems with TM is their promotion of “Super Christians” to the point where struggling, hurting people feel compelled to hide their problems. Like the Casting Crowns song, “Stained Glass Masquerade”:

But if I dared to let you see
the truth behind the person you imagine me to be
would your arms stay open or would you walk away?
Would the love of Jesus be enough to make you stay?

I highly recommend listening to that entire song and really let the words sink in and think about what they mean.

Anyway, the truth is that things have just NEVER been the same for me. Although I have repented and turned from those choices I made, although I think that Jesus is more than enough to save me, I am hurting every day. I am lonely. I am afraid. Years have passed.

I still work in an office at a sedentary job where I feel like my spirit and soul are crushed every day. I work hard and get the bills paid, I believe that whenever I am in physical need (food, shelter, etc) God provides for me. But I’m still not living — I am well aware of that. I have a constant critic in my head telling me I am a failure, reinforcing the hurts I had when I was at TM. I blame myself for getting off the plan God had for me and for not “having what it takes.”

A few years ago, my abusive father died. His last words to me were an angry voicemail message four months earlier, telling me that I was “evil” and “not a Christian” because I shared what I had seen about the abuse of my sisters children to social services. I attended his funeral out of a feeling of obligation and had to sit through lies. It’s no wonder to me that I struggle to see God as a Father. My earthly father was an abusive man who was highly esteemed by our local community and the minor league baseball world. The work he did as an artist earned him acclaim that was never taken down by the truth. That is another reason why I now look much harder at the fruit of TM.

If you knew me at my best, toward the beginning of TM when I was outgoing and had hope you would not likely recognize me now. I am still struggling with compulsive eating and restriction, but I am actually obese. My body has become a stranger, and my world has grown smaller. A common theme among my managers is that while I am a hard worker and compassionate person, I am too quiet and need to gain more confidence to be a leader. Ouch. I can’t help but think how the people who know me now would not recognize the girl I used to be, who travelled to Trinidad and Amsterdam and gave a year of her life to God to HONE HER LEADERSHIP SKILLS. It’s just so sad to know that I was a part of this huge movement of young people, that it meant so much to me, yet I have so little good to show for it. I don’t have the life-long friends. I’m not a part of the community anymore. And after discovering that I’m not the only one who was hurt like this, that there are even worse stories? I lost my respect for TM. It is seriously sad.

I am currently working on overcoming my feelings of worthlessness. I do try to give myself permission to do things to take care of myself, even if I feel that I don’t deserve them or other Christians might think it’s frivolous. But it is a long, lonely road so far. I know that I need to work on the creative side of my life.

A small flame in my heart still thinks I can “beat this” and finally live a life of passion for a loving Creator. I hope to one day reach the point where I can help other people who feel the way I do. I hope to be able to participate in a creative and loving ministry that meets people where they are and shows them the Jesus Who changes hearts—not all the works that make us better and good enough. A ministry that does not put it on children’s shoulders to save souls themselves, but teaches that Jesus and only Jesus is doing the saving. We are only here to help and love. I pray for it.

At any rate, it’s up to you to determine whether or not my words and experience has merit. I mean, I hold down a job just fine, but I am by no means a whole person. I am trying to rebuild by life with His Grace, but most days feel like a failure.

Shannon's Story, part 5

2011-11-30T06:00:00.000-06:00

The only classes I excelled in at college were the ones where professors would work with me and my chronic illness. But I continually found myself in positions where adults in authority thought they knew my story and I did not defend myself when I should have. So I continued to go down this path of verbal abuse and spiritual mistreatment.

I left college after 3 semesters and married a guy I had met during that time. Going into the marriage, I knew that he didn’t fit the “list” they had us make at TM, nor was he what I considered a strong Christian. But the red flags I had again became roses and I told myself that my internship year had proved I didn’t deserve the kind of guy I really wanted. My entire teen life was occupied by this idea that I was going to meet my husband through Teen Mania, that he was going to be an artist or musician who loved the Lord greatly, and that we would do ministry together. Not quite TM style, but that we would use the arts to reach young people in a relatable and genuine way. It would have been a great story for the grandkids, right? Well, coming out of the internship, I felt like such a failure and I believed that I had proved for once and for all that I did not deserve that life. So I married the first man who asked me and believed that I could make anything work out because I would be committed to him and God would bless that.

We were married for two-and-a-half grueling years. His mother turned out to be very manipulative and he would use me as an excuse to avoid her, so she would in turn lash out at me. I again fell into a very deep depression, and I made many errors. I was not a good wife and I began to feel little love for him. He had begun to do a lot of the things he had always claimed to dislike and it seemed to me that he wanted a life more like his friends who were unmarried. He made me feel stupid — I would find cigarettes in his pockets and car, etc. and he would claim they belonged to someone else. In the end, he was having an affair with his high school sweetheart. He told me he was leaving me by writing a note on a paper plate and shoving it in our mailbox.

I returned to my home state devastated. It took time but I began to work again, make some friends, and starve myself. I lost 102 pounds in 8 months by holding myself to 800 calories or less a day. I was frantic and guilty every time I ate before becoming simply ravenous and I never believed I was doing enough. Yet I think I was happier than ever in my adult life because I was in control. And I thought I was “beating my body.”

Through a new friend, I began attending a Messianic Jewish church on Saturdays. It resonated with me because I had only known a Messianic style church as a child through my grandmother. It creeped me out, however, when they kissed the Torah as it was brought around the room. I thought we were there to worship Yeshua (Jesus). But I made myself a part of that community as much as I could because of the warm, familiar feeling it gave me. I couldn’t however, seem to break into the “inner circles” of the congregation, and I always found myself to be a bit of an outsider —that caused me many tears. I was in my mid-twenties at the time and now finally, at 29, I realize I was going through much of the same abuse as Teen Mania. They however, were more loving in their approach. Yet still very deceptive. We were increasingly encouraged to keep Torah laws much like how TM interns are encouraged to keep a “Sabre” a part of their life after the internship. I finally got out of the group with a couple other friends when they began to say Jesus was a copy of the Torah, and none of the elders would answer my questions about salvation straight. Or whether or not they believed Jesus was God. The answers were always murky, heady, but sounded good. I’m so grateful I got out.

After leaving that church, I became very reclusive. I no longer trusted my judgment in people or organizations, I missed the community, I was lonely, and I felt like I was going crazy. I had so many thoughts in my head, wondering what was wrong with me that it was hard to sleep. I quit restricting and starving and began compulsively binge eating. I avoided going anywhere to meet new people or old friends because I was embarrassed that after losing so much weight I was clearly gaining. I felt that in particular, if people from the church I left were to see me, they would assume it was because I left and that I was living in all kinds of sin. It was actually the same feelings I struggled with in keeping up relationships with other Teen Mania alumni. There were no safe avenues to express my frustration and stumbling in life. I knew of other intern alum who had lost their faith and now bashed all Christians — I didn’t want to be a part of that. But on the other hand, I know these alumnus who only had GOOD things to say, like their lives were perfect and it seemed they couldn’t understand my depression. It only occurred to me recently, when I looked at the symptoms associated with leaving a cult, that my experiences with both Teen Mania and the church were just that.

Shannon's Story, part 4

2011-11-29T06:00:00.000-06:00

This was also the point when Nikki Bradshaw laid hands on me and tried to cast out my rebelliousness and desire to make people like me. I was supposed to keep a 30 day journal of things I was doing to “make people like me.” I never kept it, I guess because I was so mortified. I thought that if that was who I am, there was no saving me. I was a monster and Nikki, who hadn’t even known me, could tell. I vowed that I would talk less and not behave in such a way again. Yet her assignment continues to haunt me to the point where I still feel guilty that I didn’t keep that journal. I feel guilty about it and I can’t help but think I screwed up my life because I didn’t keep that journal, so God turned His back on me and my rebellious ways.

I’ve also realized that the things I loved most about my time as an intern pretty much hurt me the most. The whole personality test things? I ate it up. Being able to put labels and reasons to my personality made me feel validated that God made me this INFP and that it was okay that I wasn’t like everyone around me. Sadly now, I believe that HA leadership uses Myers-Briggs and the Spiritual Gifts tests to control interns. I’m sorry—I know that sounds horrible, but it was so convenient to put an intern in a position they hated, that had nothing to do with their actual skills and talents, yet say that they had prayed over the decision and used our strengths. I ended up getting neglected in both of my positions, like I was utterly useless (that’s how I felt about it). It was just one more layer of doubt laid upon my person.

Likewise, Teen Mania’s idea of being feminine highly appealed to me. Having suffered with PCOS for most of my life, and Precocious Puberty prior to that, I have had a terrible time in my body. So feeling feminine and connecting with other girls was very hard for me. I was raised in a single-parent home where we grew up on welfare and food stamps. I didn’t get to do a lot of things other girls my age did, like go to the mall and shop, and I couldn’t invite people over or easily travel to their homes. So my home life was just me. I probably didn’t represent myself well when I tried to make friends and my insecurities may have shown up as worse traits. But I had no one at TM with whom I felt safe to discuss those issues. I was constantly being told to be more feminine, yet less vain, and my questions were ignored. Girls who were known as “teacher’s pets” were allowed to stay in cliques and openly flirted with the guys. Yet I couldn’t get anyone in leadership to notice me, talk to me, or work with me. One particular area I wanted assistance in was my fitness and I was continually told to get my help from other interns, who wouldn’t want to help because I wasn’t at their level and would slow them down. Would it have really been so hard for one person in leadership to at least talk to me about these things when I brought them up?

After the internship, I became a caretaker for my new niece while my estranged sister served jail time for burglarizing my father’s apartment. My parents had divorced when I was an infant because he was molesting my older sister. My sister grew up to be very wild and got caught up with a drug addict boyfriend, and together they conspired to steal from my father, what ended up being more than $75,000 in valuables and cash. This situation played a huge factor in my leaving my home and going to college, the same college my “TM boyfriend” had talked about attending. It was the only school I had applied to after the internship and it was unexpected that they accepted me for the January session because I applied for the following year.

The only factor that had me even consider college in the first place, was TM teachings. At some point during the internship, I believed very strongly and clearly that college was not the path for me. My strengths have always been in the creative arts and for whatever reason, I continued to feel that God had other plans for me. But as you probably know, TM has other plans for us and they will tell you that if you do not go to college, you are NOT giving God your best. This was drummed in on me more times than I can count, so I finally relented and chose the most creative Christian school I thought I could find. When they offered me financial aid, I took it.

Where I had excelled in my K-12 years, I completely failed at college. Truly. My first semester I flunked out of all my courses. I did work, but I wasn’t able to do it all, and I missed classes frequently due to illness (sinusitis, pneumonia, etc). I was put on academic probation and petrified to tell my parents. My father was not a believer and loved any chance he could take to say the Honor Academy was a waste of money. My mother was so disgusted with me that I had had an “illegal romance” that I felt I had disappointed her enough and I didn’t want to give her a chance to complain that TM was not a very good Christian ministry since I had come back with more issues than before, so I was very adamant to protect the HA from my parents judgment as well as my peers. The common question from my classmates when I said I had been a TM intern was “Isn’t that a cult?” I always said no and explained that people just thought that because we were working to live honorable, holy lives, truly set apart. I even encouraged a friend to go, who did, because I thought it might help him with his issues. (It didn’t).

Shannon's Story, part 3

2011-11-28T06:00:00.001-06:00

Shannon first shared her story on the blog over a year ago: Part 1. Part 2. This is an update to her story.

Many years ago, I started the Xanga blogring, "No, Teen Mania is not a cult."

I was wrong.

Back when I first shared my Teen Mania experience, I was in a daze. It was the first time I admitted that my experience was not okay, but I also still felt very much to blame. I wanted to believe the leaders of the Honor Academy had no bad intentions and that it was more to do with me than them. However, I have realized that at the core of the spiritual damage I experienced is that same idea that I am always and only to blame.

Back in 2010, I shared particular experiences but stuck to the emotional ones. I think because at that time, I still felt to blame, I didn’t want to REALLY talk down the ministry by bringing up the physical issues. Looking back on it, I feel so foolish because I should have known it was wrong. In November 2000, I became very ill. I could feel that I had something going on and it was more than a cold or virus. But I was continually brushed off at the nurse’s office because I had no fever, and because I had no car of my own, I had to ask another intern to take me to a walk-in clinic. No staff member would take me when I told them I needed to go to the doctor. I was not permitted to miss our corporate exercise, even though the weather had turned cold. When I finally got to the clinic, I waited for hours to be told that I had some generic winter virus, and to get rest. I returned to campus with a note but was still not allowed to miss corporate exercise. When I was having what someone (perhaps my Core Advisor or Valencia) determined was too much trouble with coughing fits, I was given permission to stand on the sidelines. Still out in the cold of course. When I began to feel even worse a few days later, I got another ride from an intern and went back to the clinic. This time I saw a different doctor who took one look at me and said I must feel like I was “hit by a mack truck!” It turned out that I had bronchitis, pharyngitis, and an ear infection. I was MISERABLE. They prescribed me antibiotics and guess what happened when I returned to campus? I STILL had to stand outside in the cold and at least watch the corporate exercise! When I consider it now, I feel like a dummy for not speaking up and saying no. It took me weeks to recover, and I don’t believe my body ever fully did because for the following several years I caught pneumonia annually and struggled with chronic sinusitis, tonsillitis, ear infections and pharyngitis. I am convinced now that the overexertion, neglect and SAD diet of Teen Mania left me with a very compromised immune system.

Other things that continue to haunt me from that year were the cold remarks either said directly to me (especially by other girls) or the demeaning opinions spoken as truth by the leaders. I remember one class where Dave was talking about women and appearances. Regarding makeup, he stated that if the house needs painting, you paint the house. In my years following the internship, I have struggled with hormonal, cystic acne where I can’t wear makeup and I cannot even tell you how many times his words have echoed in my head. It might seem stupid, but the wound lasts and lasts. I spent a lot of time believing God must have cursed me with acne after the internship, so it was my fault. Or if I prayed about it and wasn’t healed, it was my fault for not having the Holy Spirit in me.

Yes, additionally some of my excess baggage is the GUILT over the Holy Spirit not wanting me, or not being able to reside in me because I’m not a good or real Christian. I don’t recall the name of the retreat but there was one that was all focused on the Holy Spirit, gifts of the Spirit and prayer. I was really excited for it but also apprehensive because I had been told before TM that proof of the Spirit dwelling inside of you was having the ability to speak in tongues. I was afraid that was true, even though the Bible actually states that not everyone will speak in tongues, and this retreat enforced that fear. I was not given the gift of speaking in tongues, and it was reiterated in the sessions that God wanted ALL His people to speak in tongues.

Carol's Story: A Parent's Perspective

2011-11-21T06:00:00.000-06:00

Ray and Carol Boltz (yes, that Ray Boltz) were huge supporters of Teen Mania in the 1990s. Their four children went on a combined 12 mission trips with Teen Mania, one graduated from the Honor Academy, they regularly hosted the ministry team in their home, and volunteered in Garden Valley and Miami (way back in the day!).

I remember back at the very first Day One Event in Michigan (Teen Mania's first HUGE stadium event), my job was to take care of the VIPs, including Ray Boltz and his band. I spent a lot of time hanging out with his band in the green room between sets and they were some really neat people who were enthralled with what Teen Mania was doing.

In the aftermath of the MSNBC documentary, Carol Boltz shares on her blog how Teen Mania has impacted her family.

The fact that Carol finds Teen Mania a dangerous place after all of her and her family's involvement with Teen Mania over a period of many years should cause great concern to anyone considering sending their child on a Global Expeditions Mission Trip or to the Honor Academy program.

Nationwide Support Groups & Counselors

2011-11-20T11:10:00.000-06:00

A big thanks to Doug and Wendy Duncan for compiling this list of cult recovery specific support groups and therapists.

Support groups:

Philadelphia: November 26th at 7 pm
Sponsored by International Cultic Studies Association
http://www.icsahome.com/infoserv_respond/event_localmeetings.asp#Philly_

New York City – November 25th 7 pm

Dallas metroplex:
Monthly 3rd Saturday from 3-5 pm.
Support group for former members of cults, high-demand groups, or spiritually abusive groups. The support group provides a safe place to discuss personal experience as a former member, a nonjudgmental group of peers, and basic educational information about cultic groups.
Contact Wendy Duncan at info@dallascult.com
Website: www.dallascult.com

Boulder, Co
Contact Pat Knapp at 303-730-1717 x211 or email him at BecomingFree.org@gmail.com
Becoming Free (support/recovery group for religious abuse) Southwest Counseling Associates (SCA) is offering this facilitated support/recovery group to those adults having suffered previous involvement in various abusive and harmful religious or spiritual environments. It is an 8-week support/recovery group at a cost of $45 for all 8 meetings ($5/meeting).
website: www.BecomingFree.org

Los Angeles, California:
Facilitated by Rachel Bernstein, who is a therapist and who has worked for years with the Cult Hot Line and Clinic in New York. Meets the first Thursday of the month; please call first to see if the group is appropriate for you: (818) 907-0036

Sacramento Area:
Loomis, CA 95650
Renewed Directions
Facilitator: John Morehead
(916) 631-7896 or email tqi@quiknet.com

Westbrook , Connecticut:
Co-led by Vanessa Weber, Kristin DeVoe and Richard Poletunow, meets monthly (except July) on the first Sunday of the month, 1:30-4:00. Please call for more information: 860-399-0190

Omaha, Nebraska:
On the first Friday of every month from 7pm to 9:30 pm
Contact Tricia and Jimmy Cartledge at 402-991-9289
Email: triciacartledge@gmail.com

New Hampshire/Vermont:
Facilitator: Brad Hibbard, please contact via e-mail before calling: Rhavin54@hotmail.com

New Jersey/New York:
Bill & Lorna Goldberg. (201) 894-8515
Email: blgoldberg@aol.com

New Jersey:
Meets bi-monthly at Seton Hall University.
Facilitator: Tom Morris. (973) 763-2735 mordog2@juno.com

Tennessee - East Tennessee (Cleveland):
Support groups have non-coercive Christian orientation and focus on ex-member concerns
Facilitator: Rev. Rafael D. Martinez,
Spiritwatch Ministries: http://www.spiritwatch.org
(423) 476-8967

Washington - Seattle Area
Facilitator: John Goldhammer (206) 306-0322

Counselors:

Ft. Collins, Colorado
Rocky Mountain Resource Center (970) 490-2032

Rosanne Henry, LPC
Littleton, Colorado
303.797.0629
rosanne@cultrecover.com
http://www.cultrecover.com

Doug Duncan, MA, LPC, specializing in cultic/spiritual abuse.
214-607-1065
Website: www.dallascult.com

Jewish Board Of Family & Children's Services (JBFCS)
Cult Hotline & Clinic
(212) 582-9100 or toll-free at 1-888-532-2769.

Wellspring Retreat and Resource Center
Albany, OH 45710
email: info@wellspringretreat.org
web site: wellspringretreat.org
telephone: (614) 698-6277
Wellspring is a residential treatment facility for persons traumatized through abusive relationships and cultic organizations, the only such facility in the world. Wellspring has been a place of recovery for hundreds of survivors and ex-members of abusive groups and relationships.

Bill and Lorna Goldberg
Englewood, New Jersey.
Support group monthly on a Saturday evening. Also offer individual counseling. Contact: Bill Goldberg ; or call 201.894.8515

MeadowHaven- residential facility for former cult members
Lakeville, MA 02134
www.meadowhaven.org
Contact Bob or Judy Pardon
Tel: 508.946.5264
email: neirr@comcast.net

Colleen Russell, LMFT
Mill Valley, California, 94941
Phone: (415) 383-7721
Email: crussellmft@earthlink.net
Website: http://www.colleenrussellmft.com
Offers two support groups a month (every 2nd and 4th Saturday, from 4:30 PM - 6:00PM) and individual counseling for former cult members

Steven Hassan M.Ed., LMHC, NCC
Boston, MA
Offers short term counseling and consultation
(617) 628-9918
Website: http:www.freedomofmind.com

Does the Honor Academy Teach Elitism?

2011-11-17T06:00:00.002-06:00

Teen Mania has long been accused of creating an elitist attitude in its Honor Academy interns. This complaint predates this website by a wide margin and is made by many pastors and parents across the country who have to deal with the interns once they leave Garden Valley. Interns are taught to feel superior to other Christians - especially anyone who "lives in compromise" by listening to secular music, watching movies, holding the incorrect theology or worship practice, etc. This is especially difficult when interns are trying to re-integrate back into their home churches in the outside world.

This attitude comes straight from the top - in his sermons, Ron Luce repeatedly denounces non-Teen Mania style Christians as "namby-pamby, "frozen chosen," "cold," "weak," and "dead." While Teen Mania Christians are "the cream of the crop," "on fire" and "elite warriors."

Recently, Heath Stoner, director of the Honor Academy posted a lengthy article to his blog rebutting the notion that interns are taught to be elitist (essentially by redefining elitism to mean encouraging). I believe a picture is worth a thousand words, so I'll let these images from the Teen Mania campus and marketing materials speak for themselves.

This first one is the dormitory doors.

(Image taken 2 years ago).

This is the badge that every intern had to wear to get their meals. I believe this is from 2008.

This screenshot is from a CURRENT Teen Mania's website. It says "Join an elite group of leaders who are changing the world for Christ. Register today and save."

Their CURRENT Global Expeditions website says the same thing.

Teen Mania teaches elitism to interns in a million different ways all year long. This simply cannot be refuted. Every single intern I've met, with VERY few exceptions, left Teen Mania as either an elitist jerk or despondent because they were treated like crap by elitist jerks. Or both (like me).

Where is Jesus in this?

Open Letter from Concerned Alumni

2011-11-16T06:00:00.000-06:00

A group of Honor Academy alumni have written an "Open Letter to Those Considering the Honor Academy." I am not an author of this document nor was I involved in putting up this website, but I do support it. At the time of this writing, the document has over 70 signatures from alumniand staff all across the years. Some have contributed their stories to this blog, most have not. Here is the text of the letter:

This open letter is to those considering participation in Teen Mania's "Honor Academy," or those considering sending a young adult to the Honor Academy.

We, the undersigned, ask you respectfully to reconsider.

We're not telling you not to do it. We're simply asking you to prayerfully consider all facts before making your final decision.

Who are we, you ask? We are former interns. We are alumni of Teen Mania's Honor Academy. We are former Mission Advisors, Team Leaders, and Project Directors with Teen Mania Global Expeditions. We are former Teen Mania staff and volunteers. We are professionals. We are parents.

We are concerned.

In your search for information about Teen Mania and the Honor Academy, you may have read incendiary comments online calling Teen Mania things like "cult", or calling the Honor Academy "abuse". These comments have been made at websites like RecoveringAlumni.com, and have been made by intelligent, feeling people with reasonable cause to say such things.

We will not say those things here, but we fully support the community behind RecoveringAlumni.com, and similar groups of people who have been hurt or otherwise marginalized by Teen Mania. We support their right to be heard, and we believe that their voices are very important – especially to you, as you are making a decision that could alter your life forever.

Also, we want something to be very clear: We are filled with love for our brothers and sisters at Teen Mania. We believe that their intentions are true, and though we find their practices misguided and often dangerous, we do not believe that their motives are to hurt others. The staff, volunteers, interns, and donors involved with Teen Mania and its various divisions believe that they are doing God's work, in God's way. Though we disagree with them, we do not doubt their sincerity.

Our concerns (which, we should clarify, are in fact opinions) can be summarized with the following statements:

Teen Mania, specifically the Honor Academy, promotes a culture of elitism that has no place in the Body of Christ.

Teen Mania's training practices, such as the Life Transforming Event formerly known as "ESOAL", are potentially dangerous and may result in long-term emotional and physical harm to participants.

Teen Mania is accountable mainly to individuals and organizations who benefit from their existence or would otherwise be inconvenienced if they failed. We feel that this is dangerous.

Teen Mania has a longstanding, albeit anecdotal, reputation for "burning people out", and putting Teen Mania's cause above the emotional and sometimes physical health and safety of those who participate in fulfilling their mission. We should know. We are among those participants.

Teen Mania's response to the community behind RecoveringAlumni.com, particularly with the now-defunct website, RecoveringAlumniResponse.com, has been un-Christlike, unprofessional, and has lacked compassion or contrition for the people who have been so deeply hurt by the organization.

So this letter serves as a voice of very serious concern, bordering on a "vote of no confidence", about the leadership of Teen Mania, its various practices, and specifically the Honor Academy program, which we fear is particularly dangerous physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Please know that it is difficult -- even painful -- for us to even post this letter, as the people we are referring to are friends, former coworkers, and family. Ron Luce and Teen Mania have had a profound effect on each of us, and in some ways we owe a debt to this organization.

But because we love it so much, we can no longer remain silent. We must make our voices heard so that you can make a truly informed decision, having heard from parties who are concerned that Teen Mania is no longer the ministry we fell in love with, but has become something that we can no longer support.

For many of the stories, evidence, and discussions about the Honor Academy that have caused us concern, please visit RecoveringAlumni.com with an open mind and heart.

____________________________________________________

If you would like to add your signature to this letter, please visit the website here and follow the guidelines below.

We ask that only individuals involved with Teen Mania in the following capacities sign: Internship/HA Alumnus, Missionary Advisor, Project Director, Team Leader, Staff.

Your "signature" should be only your name, a simple "I agree." or similar, and your involvement with Teen Mania.

Message from Dave Hasz

2011-11-15T10:42:00.001-06:00

To the individual or individuals who are not responding to information on this site from a Godly perspective please know that I (David Hasz) nor Teen Mania in ANYWAY condone violence as a way of resolving conflict or bringing restoration to any individual. Your threats of violence are deplorable and do not reflect a Godly response or a legitimate method for resolving conflict. Please stop making these threats immediately.

Nicole's Story

2011-11-15T06:00:00.002-06:00

I haven't thought about Teen Mania for several years. I was an intern from 2004-2005 and after that year I spent the next several years telling myself that Teen Mania didn't affect me. That despite the clear indoctrination I felt I experienced, I still continued to live a good Christian life and made every effort to put that year behind me. That was until this week in Bible study when another Honor Academy alumni told me about the documentary that had been released. When I heard about this an array of emotions followed, I didn't tell anyone in my Bible study, including her, that I had attended HA. However, after reading so many stories like mine, I knew the years of silence needed to end. Here is my story and when I have spent my twenties trying not to focus on Teen Mania.

When I was sixteen I attended Acquire the Fire, like many others I wanted to pursue God. Ron Luce had also told us that 80%(I think that was the percentage) of people fall away from God when they are out of High School. Regardless of the exact percentage, I remember it being quite high and I feared that I too would fall away. So I saved up all the money I could (six thousand dollars) and enlisted in the Honor Academy.

At first it seemed exciting. I met some great people and I personally loved corporate exercise. However I began noticing that something was terribly wrong when I willingly participated in ESOAL. For starters, my friend broke her nose because people were throwing fireworks. I remember peeing in my clothes because I didn't know where the bathrooms where. I felt that the leaders were enjoying ESOAL a little too much, actually the year that I participated in ESOAL Dave Hasz brought his seven year old daughter, Ashley to witness the event. The whole time I was doing ESOAL I remember thinking that I didn't see the point of the event. I believe God teaches you things through trials, but I questioned why we did this event. I remember people being humiliated, I remember rolling down a hill and people noticing that I wasn't getting sick and then forcing me to roll faster. I never rang out, but I also never felt proud of this. To me I was proud of myself for physically enduring ESOAL, but I would always question myself regarding why I chose to be in this.

As the year continued on, I began questioning some of the practices at the Honor Academy. For example, during our week of Honor, I remember being woken up at 4:30am in the morning and told to chant. When I told people that it freaked me out seeing everyone chanting and that I didn't want to participate, I was constantly told that I had a rebellious spirit, and that rebellion was a form of witchcraft. By the grace of God, I found some friends who believed that this was not the loving Christian community they had signed up for. In fact, as a group we decided that we were going to stay at the Honor Academy to help interns. During my internship there so many hurting people, people dealing with past rapes and sexual abuses. Yet, there was only one counselor on campus and he was male. When I asked the leadership why there weren’t more counselors I was never given an answer. I remember so many young men being sent home for watching pornography, and I questioned this because I felt that as a Christian community we should have helped these men in their sins, aka develop small support groups for them. Instead of just kicking them out and leaving them high and dry, again when I brought this up to leadership I received no answers.

As the year progressed, my year at HA became harder and harder, I worked extremely long hours for Global Expeditions to the point of developing Chronic Migraine Syndrome (as diagnosed by a doctor in Lindale). A syndrome that I only developed while at Teen Mania. That coupled with always feeling condemned, worthless, and "un-spiritual" made me feel exhausted. I always felt that there was something wrong with me and because I questioned things occurring at Teen Mania I was always told I was rebellious, something I had never been told in my life before. As the year progressed I became more and more isolated from HA and stuck to the few friends I had. There was always a common joke among us that despite the very cute men at HA, we vowed never to date them because we joked that Teen Mania had messed us up psychologically and we didn’t want to raised psychologically damaged children. Even though it was a joke, there was a lot of underlying truth to that. By the end of the year I left feeling like, if this is what a Christian Community is all about, then I don`t want anything to do with it.

But by the grace of God, I decided against my fears and enrolled in a Christian University. That’s when I realized how conformist Teen Mania was. My years at a Christian University were amazing,people had freedom to be themselves. People held different theological beliefs, but these beliefs were embraced. Instead of condemning each other, people were taught to encourage each other. People talked about their sins and there wasn’t a competition to see who was holier. We were taught by several people and taught to constantly check scripture and form our own opinions, something rarely taught at Teen Mania. During those years I received healing, instead of being told that I was arrogant for being intellectual, I was encouraged to use my intellect to search for truth. I was in a very loving community.

I was talking to my mom tonight and I asked her, honestly what did you think of me being at the Honor Academy? She said at first she was so excited for me. She had gone to Acquire the Fire with me as a youth leader. However, she became worried over my constant fatigue at HA and when I arrived home after the Honor Academy she said I was forever different. “My strong daughter who took risks, believed in herself, and was confident. Became this girl who constantly questioned herself and her abilities.” She said that over the years I have become more confident again. However, she noticed that even seven years later I am different, less assured of who I am. She told me that she had felt this way for sometime, but never had the heart to tell me. She told me that my dad even said to her. “Something happened to her, they broke her spirit down.”

Now I don't believe that Teen Mania started off with ill intentions, in fact I think that most of the leadership truly believed that they were helping HA interns. However the biggest problem with Teen Mania is that there are too few people in leadership to provide accountability.

I am so thankful for the site recovering alumni because it is helping my healing process. Although I never saw myself as someone who was affected my Teen Mania's way. I now see that seven years later, I am still recovering from some of the wrong teaching and condemning environment.

Teen Mania will be in my prayers.

Teen Mania Follower Issues Death Threat

2011-11-14T15:46:00.003-06:00

A person calling themselves "Ojos Asi" has repeatedly issued threats since the airing of the MSNBC documentary. They have sent me pictures of my home with the caption "We are watching you. Lock your doors." Now, they have escalated to a death threat by saying "My Days are Numbered."

If anyone knows someone who goes by the alias "Ojos Asi" please contact me at recoveringalumni at hotmail dot com. I take death threats very seriously. Luckily, my brother in law is a police officer and my uncle is a lawyer. I will prosecute TO THE FULLEST EXTENT OF THE LAW.

I call on all Teen Mania followers and senior leadership to denounce these actions. Silence on your part would suggest approval to the individual(s) involved in making these threats.

The text of the latest threats are as follows:

Weve been watching. Weve been waiting. For the past year and half you have made a mockery of Teen Mania Ministries and the Honor Academy. You have disgraced the alumni and you have insulted our leaders. Youve lied and manipulated the media. You have twisted the truth. For far too long you have had the luxury of anonymity. You and your ministrants have lurked in the shadows, throwing fiery darts, then retreating into your victimized worlds. Your days are numbered. The light is about to shine and when it shines it will expose you and your conspirators for who you really are. Our wrath is coming and its corrosive. It will separate the truth from the lies. Sincerely, Ojos Así we will defend the glory!

Mind Control is NOT Christianity

2011-11-14T06:00:00.002-06:00

Because Honor Academy interns are breaking their vow of silence about the abuses they endured, Teen Mania has come under significant fire. Their two main defenses are weak and easily rebutted.

1) Ron Luce would like to characterize the participants in the MSNBC Documentary "Mind Over Mania" - and specifically Doug and Wendy Duncan - as against Christianity. Ron claims that Teen Mania is so thoroughly Biblical that to accuse it of any wrongdoing is an affront against God Himself (sound familiar, fellow alum?). Never mind that Doug and Wendy are members in good standing at their Episcopal church, the recovery seminar was held in that church and most of the girls that participated are still Christians.

Specifically, I've noticed Teen Mania defenders citing two of the elements of thought reform (AKA mind control) as intertwined with Christianity and therefore unassailable from a Scriptural perspective. This is a completely false understanding of thought reform techniques.

The first element that Ron Luce likes to attack is the "demand for purity." Is the "demand for purity" that Lifton documented the same as the Christian's Biblical mandate for purity?

No.

I would suggest that Lifton's "demand for purity" would be better translated to a Christian audience as a "demand for perfection." It is a black and white standard of right and wrong that is DEFINED BY THE LEADER. In the Christian life, our standard of right and wrong is found in the Bible and in the Holy Spirit's witness to our conscience. There are many gray areas in which believers may disagree (as evidenced by Paul multiple times in the NT).

However, at Teen Mania, senior leadership decides what is right and what is wrong - and they go FAR beyond Biblical requirements. This is what is meant by a "demand for purity" in regards to a thought reform environment. A few examples:

- Listening to secular music is a sin
- Dating is a sin, even telling someone you have feelings for them is a sin
- Spending time alone with a member of the opposite sex (even just as friends in a public place) is treated as a sin
- Saying anything negative about Teen Mania is a sin
- Being "co-dependent" (i.e. having a close friendship) is a sin
- Being friends with the wrong people is a sin
- Drinking alcohol, even if you are of age, is a sin
- Desiring to abstain from certain group activities is a sin (i.e. you are being rebellious)

Those are just a few minor examples of how this demand for purity at Teen Mania goes far beyond Biblical requirements. It does not matter that it is supposed to be limited in duration (1 year to start with). It does not matter if people consent to it - none of that trumps Scripture.

Secondly, milieu control (control of the environment) is found at the Honor Academy in spades. No healthy church controls:

- Where you live
- Who you live with
- Who you are allowed to text message and when
- Who your friends are
- What time you get up in the morning
- How long and hard you exercise
- What job you have
- How many hours you work at that job
- What music you are allowed to consume (note that for the first few weeks of the HA, ONLY worship music is allowed, not even regular Christian music)
- What tv programs and movies you consume
- Your access to the internet (no access in the dorms)
- What books you are allowed to read
- Nearly your entire schedule
- What you eat or don't eat (sugar only once a week for the first few weeks, etc)
- When you fast
- What verses you should read during your quiet time
- When you have your quiet time
- Who you are allowed to date (as a graduate intern)

In fact, I can't think of ANY type of healthy group that would control all these aspects of your life. Even in college, you are not this controlled. You have free access to all types of books, music, media and internet. Beyond your class schedule, your time is not rigidly controlled and you can even request who you want for a roommate. You are free to date whomever you choose without getting approval from your "superiors."

Again, consent to the program does not matter. That doesn't change the fact that these are proven techniques for thought reform - for breaking down your boundaries and individuality and forming you into a specific mold. In fact, consenting to these parameters probably makes it easier for them to take you through the process.

Both Ron Luce and Hank Hanegraaff have tried to downplay the legitimacy of this field of psychology. As someone with two psychology degrees, Ron really should know better.

The blog Arts & Commerce has a great two part rebuttal to Hanegraaff's ignorance of the issues at hand. Part 1 is a general overview of Hanegraaff's essay and Part 2 tackles the thought reform/mind control arguments quite well.

Global Expeditions Review: Lacey's Story

2011-11-10T06:00:00.001-06:00

Note from RA: Teen Mania leadership has repeatedly assured us that the events in this story no longer happen at Teen Mania. However, this story is extremely recent - Global Expeditions 2011.

I have been a Christian nearly all my life. I loved Jesus and knew that Jesus loved me, and right around the summer of my fourteenth year, God called me to be a full time missionary overseas. I saw how many missions Teen Mania sponsored, so the year of my seventeenth birthday I applied and was on my way across the world to spread the word about Jesus.

I was so excited. There was nothing else that I thought about, and as the deadline for the trip drew near, I also applied go to Honor Academy. In fact, I even got accepted. I had a friend who had gone there, and I was stoked. Then my mom pulled up a couple of websites, including this blog, and I found myself second guessing. However, I didn't worry about it too much as I went overseas that summer.

But something was wrong. Something felt very, very wrong.

Before officially setting out to the mission field with Global Expeditions, you spend a couple days at the Honor Academy for training. It was awesome when I arrived. There was live worship, and inspiring messages, and people who truly and genuinely loved Jesus. There were people who had my heart for missions, for the poor, and for the gospel. I couldn't wait to finally go. I had waited for so long to go to this country, to meet its people who I already loved. How were we going to do it? We were going to put on dramas and share our testimonies through the help of translators. We were going to do street ministry. And in reality it was awesome. Why? Because I was obeying Jesus with every cell of my body. I was being Jesus, because Jesus is God, and God is love. [1 John 4:8] But sadly, there are things that happened overseas that I don’t want to talk about, because Teen Mania hurt me.

Here comes the really bad part.

Before departing to our foreign country, we had to learn our skit. It was eighteen minutes long and pretty cool, although it played really bad 80’s techno music. (Anyone else do the Journeyman?) At about one-o-clock in the afternoon we set out to practice our skit in the hot Texas sun. It wasn’t until twelve-thirty in the morning that we were allowed to finish. I had been dancing non-stop for twelve hours.
I remember there was a lot of yelling, a lot of telling me to suck it up. A lot of kneeling on the ground. (I had a hard time getting up, my ankles swollen from the arthritis I had just been diagnosed with.) I remember my team leader telling me that I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t think I could handle. If I ever felt tired or hurt, I could just stop. The reality? I was made guilty for my weakness, so I responded out of fear and the need to be accepted. For instance, I played one of the soldiers that nailed Jesus to the cross. I had to pretend to beat his wrists and his feet so when I stooped down to hammer, my project director yelled, “ Get on your knees when you do that!” His voice was harsh and I was humiliated. The tone of his voice brought me to tears. During a different scene, the same man came up, without looking at me, and shoved my hands in the right position. It unsettled me, and when I began to question, out loud, whether this was right, I was shut up with answers like, “He is just really passionate about this.” “They just want you to be better.” “He knows best. Be respectful.” And, later that night, when I was crying from lack of sleep I was told that I wasn’t relying on Jesus. This was my second day at Teen Mania, and I already started to feel violated. I felt guilty, but I knew something was wrong. Yes, God wants me to work hard, but God doesn’t force me to my knees. He doesn’t hurt me or embarrass me. He doesn’t like depriving me of sleep. God doesn’t want me to deliberately hurt myself in order to trust in Him more. Doing that is like saying God wants me to slit my wrist for His glory. [I would later find out that what I just described was summed up in a program called ESOAL.] Wasn’t my body a temple of the most high God? (1 Corinthians 6:19) Yet my opinions were strangled with cookie cutter answers and more guilt.

And it only got worse overseas.

For the next month, I almost never got any sleep. After a long hard day of mission work, we ate dinner and went upstairs for a project meeting. At times it was messages, other times it was encouragement, and strangely, a lot of it was telling us that we needed to suck up and deal with it. A lot of what I heard was, “You are disrespectful. You don’t have enough faith. You aren’t doing good enough. The reason you are sleepy is because you don’t trust God enough.” Many of us fell asleep in our chairs from exhaustion. When we did, we were yelled to stand against the wall to keep awake. Many of us fell asleep standing up. I had never been so tired in my entire life. And somehow, this was Godly? People do the same thing when they question terrorists.

Other times, the attitude in ministry was wrong. When we were prayer walking around temples, it seemed like a lot of people had a hateful attitude. And strangely, I had a hard time concentrating on prayer because people kept snapping at me. “Stay in line! Be quiet! Walk faster!” I was in line, I was quiet, and I was doing my best at keeping up. My best. So why were they speaking to me like that? Somehow my best wasn’t good enough, and I accepted that. People said they were angry and sickened by the temples and Hinduism. And while I understand to be angry at the devil for his deception, I felt like a lot of it got turned on the people. The ignorant, lost people.

For instance, a couple of my friends and I were visiting with a Hindu priest’s wife. She was a widow and the pastor in that town frequently visited her and read her the Bible. The woman was so glad to see us, and very kind and intelligent and knew a lot about Scripture. We shared the gospel with her, and asked her questions about Hinduism. In the end, she didn’t accept Christ, and when asked why, she explained according to her faith in Hinduism. I beamed in pride for her, because somehow I knew that she would come to Christ. I felt it, and I still can’t explain it. I knew she would accept God soon, and I understood that it wasn’t going to be now. Then, out of nowhere, my team leader said [to the pastors with us], “Tell her that her husband is in hell.”

The pastors looked at him in shock. Had I just heard that? “We can’t say that,” they said, and even though it was the truth, such a saying would hurt more than help. Yes, hell needed to be discussed, [and a lot of churches in America neglect that issue] but we were here to be Jesus. Last time I checked, Jesus didn’t go around pointing out the sins of people. He said, “You are forgiven. Go out and sin no more.” Yet, much of our ministry was the exact opposite with project leader shouting, “Repent you sinners!” and yelling loudly at the top of his voice, often mocking them.

Before going on the trip, I had a picture in my head about witnessing to an old woman in front of her house, and I did! God spoke through me, giving me words that I would have never thought of. Then my team leader cut in, telling me all the points I missed, completely losing my train of thought. She was upset because I didn’t use the cookie-cutter, read from a script gospel she had given me.

And the sad thing is, I didn’t want to speak up. I was too afraid to stand up for myself, for the people, or for Jesus. Why? Because every time I even said anything remotely contrary to what Teen Mania said, I was shut down, sometimes even mid-sentence in front of everyone. [“Oh, nice thought. Next?”] I couldn’t share my testimony with people, because I was judged. I couldn’t tell people what I was feeling; tell people that I dealt with depression, or that I was in pain from my arthritis, because I was pounded for it.

Which brings me to the health issue. Not only did I have pretty weird conversations with people about my depression medication, but many people deemed it as my reliance on the world. “You are sick because you are doubting God,” they concluded. In fact, I only found one person who actually showed any sympathy, and the result was me being quiet, feeling guilty and alone and just wanting to disappear. When my ankles swelled up to the size of grapefruits, no one did anything. When my friend had a hot burning rash that covered her entire body and her face swelled up, no one took her to the doctor. When my friend was throwing up and I ran upstairs to tell an adult, I was sent back down with nothing, no one, and a couple of why-the-heck-did-you-do-that looks as well as a couple of disrespectful words.

Another time I came back to our settlement crying, my ankles hurting and my body about to collapse. I asked my team leader if I could go lay down and they told me to ask my core advisor. I asked him, and I burst into tears. “Why do you need to go lay down?” he asked unkindly. Then added, “What? Now you are going to cry because you didn’t get what you wanted?” He refused and told me to sit down in worship. It made it worse, and I ended up standing up anyways. I was scared someone would comment if I was sitting down.

And there were little things too. I couldn’t ever call my family. Any emotion that I showed what-so-ever was pretty much stomped on. I was constantly being told that I needed to step up and be better, but in reality, I was giving all of myself. I was giving every last inch of my body, my mind, and my soul. Looking back I realize that the only thing that got me through my Global Expeditions trip was Jesus. “Remember why you are here,” He told me when I was crying one night. “I sent you here for a reason.” And it was true. I saw the blind see, the deaf hear, and hundreds of people come to Christ. I saw God in work. I saw the persecution of the foreign church, and I met some of the most amazing people in the entire world. I fell in love with Jesus all over again, and God reassured me of my calling and so much more. He taught me that I can get through anything and that He would always be there. He taught me discernment in teaching and how to respond out of love in all situations.

Who taught me that? God. Not me, not my team leader, and not Teen Mania.

You may be wondering why I haven’t mentioned my name, or the country I went to. The truth? I don’t want the same people to judge me again. In fact, I am quite afraid of writing this, because someone will figure it out sooner or later and I will probably get an email in my Facebook inbox saying that I have been deceived and need to beat my body and my mind.

So in the end, I am still confused how to feel about Teen Mania. On one hand, I see God changing the hearts of people all around the world and on the other hand I see false doctrine that borders the line of absurdity. I see good and wonderful people from the Honor Academy, and I see people who make me want to run in the other direction. In all, I know they mean well. I know they don’t want to hurt me or other people, and I know they want to encourage growth toward God. But still, there are things that need to be changed. There are some things that I cannot bring myself to go through at the Honor Academy or at Global Expeditions. Because instead of feeling confident in the Lord, I feel almost guilty. I feel guilty that I have arthritis or that I have a chemical imbalance in my brain that I can’t control. I feel bad that I was looked on as, “not willing to take the challenge,” when in reality, I am taking the biggest challenge of my life. The one God gave me. The one He told me when I was fourteen, and the one he encourages me in every day instead of tearing me down…
If there is anything that I have learned in full it is that my God is not a God of fear, and He is not a God who tells me I am not good enough. He is my strength and salvation, and He is the reason I continue to live and breathe. So while I didn’t have such a good time with Global Expeditions, I can tear that part aside and still see the wonderful things that happened, the miracles that God did through me, as a person. I don’t think I need much else, and Teen Mania isn’t going to change that…ever. Because the judgment of Global Expeditions didn’t change the world that summer, the love of God did.

Ashley's Story

2011-11-09T12:23:00.000-06:00

My Name Is Ashley, I was an Honor academy Intern in August 2008. Shortly after my grandmother passed away I was called by an Honor Academy representative who offered this bit of insight, "I know your grandmother has gone to be with the Lord, but you should take this as a clear indication that life can be too short not to be close to God." We had many conversations up until I left for Garden valley in August of 2008.

My life at HA was great at first. I was the new intern cxcited to grow closer to God. I was sold on the idea of my "ability to attend college courses" and thrive in a community of fellow believers. I, however, was not aware I would never be able to speak my mind freely about my feelings, or my take on certain teachings, or that I would be required to attend an approved church. After all the biblical teachings we received on campus not even our Sunday was a day of rest. Around ESOAL time I began to really doubt the teaching methods of the HA and after questioning my Core Advisor (CA) about why I wasn’t able to search out colleges like I had been told I would be able to , I was told that’s not until your here for 2 or 3 years...

Also the first week I was there I had Bronchitis and had to use an inhaler but was still MADE to do corporate exercise. Running 2-3 miles coughing and feeling like I was dying! Back to the week or so before ESOAL, I had general concerns about the intensity of ESOAL and the potential risks as I had heard horror stories from numerous interns who had had a sibling attend in years past. When I twisted my ankle 3 days before the event, I told my CA I was going to opt out of ESOAL. I was then faced with my entire core criticizing me and lecturing me that I needed to beat my body that I would be fine. I don’t to well with conflict so I just went with it. I lasted 1 day and 11 hours before I rang out. I was muddy, ant bite ridden, soaking wet in my heavy clothes and near exhaustion In the 110+ heat. I was again taunted, humiliated and guilted before I rang out. But my body and mind were through.

After ESOAL, I had to return to my normal schedule: 5am corprate exercise, showers quiet time, breakfast, work in the call center until 6pm, then dinner, night seminar and back to the dorm at 10:30pm, lights out and back up at 5am again. There was barely any time to think to myself or call loved ones, or even be allowed to go off campus for a movie ...Because it had to be approved... and it almost always was not.

About a week after ESOAL, I began to Experience fainting spells and would pass out in class and wake up with people huddling around me. I would pass out in the call center during a phone call to a church. I would wake up to people blowing in my face offering me peanut butter crackers and juice. I would pass out in my dorm and not wake until dinner. Finally I said enough is enough and I made someone drive me to a hospital nearly 30 minutes away, where I was diagnosed with Vaso Vagal Syncopy. This is caused by a continuous nutritional ceficiency. We had fasted sugar for the past week, and I was about to fast on our "Core agreed" one week food fast - something our CA'S decided we were going to do without question... Needless to say I refused to do so after my diagnosis but was reprimanded and told to fast everything I could to make up for the "Void" in my life. I fasted because I didn’t want to be ridiculed. I only fasted meat, sugary things and junk food. I lost 15lbs in one week - not exactly healthy to lose that much in a weeks time.

Needless to say, by February of 2009 I wanted to go home. I couldn’t take it anymore. I had a counseling session with Mr. Hasz and then with Ron Luce. They both tried to convince me to stay and then said the only reason I felt the way I did was because of my own personal issues and that the ministry had no fault in any of my physical, mental or spiritual misgivings. In fact, it was striving to follow the teachings and be an exemplary intern that led to my physical, mental and spiritual health issues.

When I returned home, it was difficult for me to socialize, go to church or work and it was really hard to connect with anyone because no one knew what I had been through. I spent countless days in my room, secluded and not being myself (I'm outgoing, loud and talkative) I was quiet and reserved and seeing this documentary really opened my eyes and my old wounds. I’ve kept them down because they made me feel like i was the problem , that I was the reason I was feeling the way I felt - but it’s not me...It’s the Honor Academy.

Honor Academy Offical Response to Recovering Alumni

2011-11-08T00:26:00.004-06:00

The Honor Academy website now features a page entitled "Recovering Alumni Information." I'd like to discuss it point by point.

- Many stories and claims publicized by the group are done so in anonymity, which makes it challenging to verify facts or engage in a resolution focused conversation.

Which of my factual claims are anonymous?

- The one where you lied to KLTV about feeding cat food during ESOAL? Or the one where you lied about ESOAL being based on the military?

- Or maybe the one where Heath Stoner coerced an intern into lying to me, cutting off contact with me and participating in ESOAL?

- Or maybe the one where the Board of Directors solicited our stories and promised a long, through investigation carried out by independent experts but instead delivered a hastily put together website made by friends of TM?

Exactly just how challenging can it be to verify these facts? A couple of weeks ago, Heath openly challenged me on facebook to retract my comments about Dave lying if he could prove me wrong. I have yet to receive any evidence.

As far as anonymous stories go, most victims don't want to openly confront their abuser because of you know, THE ABUSE. The names don't matter anyway - their stories RESONATE with many alumni. They aren't isolated incidents.

- Comments and statements made and allowed by this group have at many times been accusatory, sometimes mean-spirited, in nature and do not communicate a desire to “seek to understand” or to allow for rebuttal or disproof of information. Attempts to correspond in a polite and respectful manner have often lead to fruitless arguing on both sides.

In fact, in the early days of this blog Teen Mania was given much respect and grace to listen and respond. However, when we shared our stories, they chose to betray our trust with their fake investigation as linked above. It was only after being lied to and betrayed that my/our tone became "accusatory."

tl:dr: Telling lies with a smile is superior to telling the truth with a frown.

- One of the lead members of this group has communicated their desire is to bring down the Honor Academy and that nothing less will be satisfactory.

I am not sure who they are referring to here, but it most certainly is not me.

- A member of this group is a self proclaimed atheist, which will make it challenging, possibly impossible, to fully agree on the standards and accountability required by Teen Mania, since the mission is unquestionably based on a statement of faith that is Christian.

Last I checked we aren't asking for anything unScriptural or unChristian: honesty, transparency, accountability & LOVE. Are those not Christian anymore?

Understanding this information has pushed us to walk in peace when interacting with this group and to walk in mercy and forgiveness towards them despite the retaliatory hurt levied on several of our staff members. While not always easy, remembering this information has become an important component of developing our own character as a ministry.

This response is so ridiculously inadequate and incorrectly portrays our MANY, MANY attempts to dialogue with Teen Mania, including a significant attempt to reach out to the Board of Directors last year.

Notice that Teen Mania does not actually address the substance of any of our concerns/allegations/etc. Their entire strategy seems to be an attempt to shift the focus off their shady practices and lies and back onto us. They don't want anyone looking too closely at what really goes on and what their real track record is. Don't be fooled by smooth talk from professional salesmen. Look at the facts.

If the facts that I've published are lies, they could easily refute them. They have not done so. That should tell you everything you need to know.

Alumni Reactions on the Web

2011-11-07T18:05:00.002-06:00

A few alumni have blogged their reactions to the MSNBC documentary "Mind Over Mania." Lots of good thoughts worth checking out:

1) Ache and Love by Carrie Dickson

2) Why I Don't Wear the Ring by Brooke Gale

3) My Teen Mania Experience by Kimberly Warne

Comments on the Show: Recovering Alumni ONLY

2011-11-06T20:55:00.004-06:00

This thread is for comments on the MSNBC show and is only open to alumni who consider themselves to be recovering from their Teen Mania experience.

This thread will be strictly moderated. Anything triggering, judgmental, etc. will be immediately deleted. This is a safe space for the hurt and wounded.

Comments on the Show: Debate and Discussion

2011-11-06T20:54:00.003-06:00

This is an open thread for comments on tonight's show. If you are sensitive and easily triggered, I recommend avoiding this thread.

True Stories...72 & Counting

2011-11-05T23:07:00.032-05:00

Ground Rules, Painful Responses & Bravery

2011-11-04T10:52:00.006-05:00

I broke my arm once when I was a kid. It hurt like crazy until I got the cast on. In fact, if you would have touched it with even a slight amount of pressure, I probably would have screamed out in pain. Funny thing is, if you touched by unbroken arm with that same amount of pressure, I probably wouldn't have reacted at all.

That's kind of like the comment section of this website.

There are many people here in very real, very deep pain. Their wounds are still open and even the slightest amount of pressure or provokation on the wounded area will cause a great amount of pain and probably a verbal reaction.

That is normal.

Have you ever been to the doctor for an injury and as he applies pressure to different points in your body, he asks, "Does this hurt?" If you scream out in pain, he knows thats the area that needs healing.

It would be a really crappy doctor who said, "What's wrong with you?! I barely touched you! You are messed up! Get out of here!"

And so, please bear this in mind if you are not one of the wounded. We've got the ER equivalent of people walking around here with broken limbs, bleeding wounds, etc. If that kind of thing bothers you, don't hang out here. You don't walk into an emergency room and complain you don't like blood - so don't come in here and complain you don't like "negativity."

Ground Rules for Commenting

Please keep the above scenario in mind when making your comments. Disagreement is welcome as long as its done respectfully. Using actual facts is also helpful. Most objections have already been answered, so please check the "Frequent Objections" tab at the top.

There will be one comment thread reserved specifically for fellow recovering alumni. This thread will NOT be open to debate. It will be in true recovery group format with no judgmental comments and a true safe space for anyone who is hurt. I will have a zero tolerance policy for unsafe/hurtful comments on that thread.

A Very Brave Thing

The four other fellow interns that agreed to be part of the MSNBC show are quite brave. Three of them are all very recent interns from the past 2-3 years, which makes it even more difficult to break the silence. If you remember how difficult it has been for you to share your story, even anonymously or with trusted friends, just image how nerve wracking it is to share it on national television, even more so when you have no control over how you will be edited. We bared our souls for the entire world to see during that weekend workshop and I just want to publicly say how proud I am of each of those women for having the courage to speak their truth.

Any comment which insults any of these women will be IMMEDIATELY DELETED. I will not allow this space to be used for Teen Mania and/or its followers to cause them any more suffering.

If their bravery inspires you, please consider signing this "Open Letter to Those Considering the Honor Academy" I am not the author of that letter or website, but I support what they are doing and feel it is a very valuable endeavor. If everyone felt comfortable signing their name, I feel confident that we would easily have hundreds of signatures. However, I know that not everyone feels safe or recovered enough to do that and there is no pressure to make a stand that is not helpful to your recovery. But if you can, please help prevent future teens from going what you went through.

Let's Not Get Hung Up on the Word "Cult"

2011-11-03T06:00:00.000-05:00

Its important to remember that the point of this website and the point of so many people speaking up about what happened to them is not to convince people that Teen Mania is a cult. I wrote this blog for nearly 2 years before I felt comfortable using that term - so thats never been my agenda and I certainly understand any hesitancy with ascribing that label.

The main idea that all of us in the recovering alumni community want people to understand is that some very damaging things have happened at the Honor Academy, and continue to happen. You can read the 'true stories' section of this website or read a quick synopsis of some of the major issues here.

The bottom line is that the Honor Academy fosters an unsafe environment physically, emotionally, psychologically and spiritually. The excessively authoritarian structure of the Honor Academy and the lack of outside accountability are huge red flags that all is not well at the Garden Valley campus. Any organization that demands that you never "portray them in a negative light" is raising another enormous red flag. In fact, all Honor Academy interns are REQUIRED to pledge:

I will never speak ill of an Honor Academy participant or staff member — past, present, or future.

It is this oath of silence that has kept so many from speaking up until now. Afraid of God's wrath for ever speaking honestly about the truth of our Teen Mania experience - and feeling the wrath of our Teen Mania loving friends and leaders when we do - many of us have been intimidated into silence for far too long.

Legalism, condemnation, the use of shame and fear to control interns, unsafe working conditions, routine neglect of health and safety issues - all of these and more are major cause for concern for anyone who would ever consider sending their child to the Honor Academy.

And for the body of Christ at large, this kind of behavior is a black eye on American Christianity. If we tolerate it and excuse it, we are enabling it.

MSNBC Airs Documentary on Honor Academy Abuses

2011-11-01T09:01:00.002-05:00

This Sunday night at 10pm/9pm Central MSNBC will air the premiere of their new show, "Mind Over Mania" which documents the lives and struggles of Honor Academy survivors. Earlier this year, cameras followed myself and several other alumni as we attended a weekend cult recovery workshop led by Doug and Wendy Duncan. The Duncans are experts in cult recovery and are former cult members themselves. I was acquainted with Doug and Wendy prior to this weekend workshop and had discussed my recovery with them in bits and pieces but they really didn't know that much about Teen Mania.

Until completing this workshop, I never felt comfortable calling Teen Mania a cult - instead preferring the term "cult-like." I couldn't bring myself to use that very explosive and loaded label. However, after going through the entire weekend and discussing every aspect of what makes a cult - I changed my mind and I think the other participants did as well. As we discussed Robert Lifton's 8 criteria for mind control, it was startling to see that Teen Mania's Honor Academy actually had every single one in spades.

I haven't been privy to any of the footage from this show, including the final edit. I can only hope that its a fair representation of what Honor Academy interns have gone through during their struggle to recover from the abuse at Teen Mania. Of course, there is no way a one hour program can cover everything but I hope its a good introduction to the dangers of the Honor Academy. I do know that Teen Mania senior leadership was also interviewed for the show and that the crew spent several hours on campus.

At this time, MSNBC does not have plans to air the show online so please set your DVRs accordingly.

BIG News!

2011-10-31T06:00:00.000-05:00

I've got a HUGE announcement to make so check back here tomorrow for all the details. Its something that has been in the works for several months and I'm excited to finally be able to share it with you!

The Honor Academy: Grace's Story, part 3

2011-10-26T04:52:00.004-05:00

Note from RA: After knowing "Grace" the last few months, I felt that the end of her story didn't fully convey the traumatic damage her body has suffered as a result of her time at Teen Mania, so I asked her to explain it a bit more. Here is her response and then some additional thoughts from me.

I am currently undergoing treatment for my late stage Lyme disease. I wish it hadn’t taken 13 years to diagnose and find treatment, but it did. I struggle on a daily basis with profound fatigue, which affects every move I make. As a side effect of having the Lyme disease for so long untreated, I developed a secondary neurological condition called Myasthenia Gravis. The MG makes my muscles give out or shake with use. It also causes me to have double vision and dysphagia (inability to swallow), and subsequently migraines and liquid diet are the result of these. Simple things like taking laundry down the stairs to the washing machine, and going for walks with my family are difficult and often impossible for me. I’m trying to work around it, and I have a wheelchair so that I can still participate in family activities. I have given up on pursuing my career for now because of my bodily limitations. I long to one day have the mental and physical stamina to go back to work. I get frustrated and angry sometimes that I am not able to do more for myself, but I also realize that patience is required in this time of healing. I am thankful that I have found a doctor that is able to treat me, but treatment requires large doses of antibiotics, among a myriad of other pills and supplements. The treatment exacerbates my many symptoms including the joint pains, headaches, double vision, fatigue, dysphagia, mental fog, and depression. It is hard to keep my head up some days. Treatment for Lyme disease is not often covered by insurance, so my family is now swimming in my medical bills which easily add up to tens of thousands of dollars. I am hopeful for healing in my future, and know that God still has plans for me. Today, however, it is a nap!

___________________________________________________________

The tragedy of this situation is that all of this could have been so easily prevented. Honor Academy interns spend A LOT of time in the back forty - ESOAL, the Unreached People Group retreat, the Ropes course and various other activities throughout the year.

I urge Teen Mania to take safety precautions including the following:

1) Tick education and awareness during Gauntlet week. Many interns are unaware of what ticks look like, the dangers they present, how to avoid a tick bite and what to do if bitten.

2) After extended time in the back forty, especially weekend long retreats, mandatory tick checks with a tick buddy from your core group.

3) Periodic reminders/education for all core advisors so that they can facilitate the safety of their interns.

None of these recommendations should be controversial in the least. I urge Teen Mania to examine and adopt them immediately.

The Honor Academy: Grace's Story, part 2

2011-10-25T06:00:00.002-05:00

Being a hard worker, I did not mind working in the ministry and feeling like we were making it all happen. This was the case until summer missions season was upon us. 1998 was a big year for mission trips, and since Teen Mania had only been at the campus in Garden Valley for a short while, there was a problem of housing the missionaries during their training before leaving the country. The solution created to address the problem was a series of Quonset huts filled with 3-level high bunk beds from end to end as a kind of a temporary barracks for the missionaries. With only a couple of months before the missionaries arrived, how would these structures be built? Interns were already busily making phone calls, ordering visas, booking plane tickets, and arranging every last detail of the trips from breakfast to supper, when would we do this extra work? It was decided that since our workload would not be decreasing before the missionaries arrived, we would be expected to go after our full workdays into the “back forty” (the woods behind the developed part of the complex) to construct Quonset huts and carry and construct hundreds of bunk beds. Those were LONG, hard days that I remember falling into bed and getting too little sleep as our class work and memorizations had to be done before the day was through. Mornings came early, and quiet times could not be skipped. Never had I dreaded my time with God until this point. It had always been refreshment to me, a pleasure, not a chore. Having my time with God quantified and recorded to fulfill my “LAP” score, and my standing as a “good intern” was yet another red flag for me. I wrestled with feelings that this was not congruent with the spirit of the Lord who had saved me by grace.

Concurrently there seemed to be a consistent trend of interns during this time who were sent home for not fulfilling the expectations of an intern, or for having feelings for members of the opposite gender, or for expressing their opinions too boldly and not being teachable enough. We all kind of feared that if we slipped up that we’d be the next to get sent home to have to explain to all of our sponsors why we had let them down and wasted their money. Again, this undercurrent of needing to fulfill an image to gain the approval and acceptance of TM staff (and God), ran deep and troubled me even more deeply.

Having spent a great deal of time in the woods putting together buildings and bunk beds, I have distinct memories of brushing off the ticks that would fall from the trees onto my fellow interns backs while they were hauling bunk beds. We tried to stay away from the biting red ants, but no one ever mentioned that ticks were a risk in this part of the country. Tick bite prevention was not on anyone’s mind, and we all seemed so focused on keeping a good attitude and working as hard as we could, that insect bites only seemed to detract from cheerfully fulfilling our duties as interns. We were taught to “beat our body and make it our slave.” Weakness was not permissible.

During this time, my body began to weaken. We had been working 16 hour days for several weeks, and getting little sleep. The fact that I felt myself getting ill did not really surprise me, given our routines, but yet I did not feel able to share my struggle, for fear of being thought spiritually immature. I have a distinct memory of waking one morning with a horrible splitting headache and struggling to get to breakfast and chapel. A young man held the door open for me as I walked into chapel and offered the cordial “How are you?” Being quite affected by this headache, and also sometime being too honest, I said, “I’ve got a terrible headache this morning”. His response floored me. No sympathy or condolences, but simply “Why don’t you just claim your healing?” I was taken aback. This was my fault! *I* had not done enough to make God remove my discomfort. Again, it came back to my performance and my spirituality alleviate the discomfort. I knew that this was poisonous teaching, but it was everywhere and I became afraid.

The headache was a precursor to a flu-like malady that rendered me more tired by the day, and unable to fulfill my roles as an intern. I went to the doctor in Lindale and was diagnosed with an enlarged spleen and a quick monospot tested positive. I was told that I had mononucleosis and that my spleen had become so enlarged that I was at risk of rupturing it and bleeding internally. My ribs hurt, and I felt horrible, but how could I be sick without being judged? I went through the motions, pretending that I would be going to work, but laid in bed with a note pinned to the inside of my shirt with my insurance information and the simple message that “If I am unconscious, I am bleeding internally, please call 911.” Alone I laid in bed, terrified that I would die without anyone knowing I was even sick, or that they would find out I was sick and apply the “infirmity=iniquity” argument to my case and condemn me for living in unconfessed sin. It was more than I could take, I called my parents across the country and they agreed to come and take me home. Shortly after (and before my parents even left their state), I began having sharp pains and feared the worst - that my spleen had ruptured. I had to ask one of my roommates with a car to come home and take me to the ER immediately. I also remember making her promise not to judge me or to tell anyone else what was going on. Thankfully she agreed on both accounts, and I ended up spending the day in the hospital on IV fluids and undergoing testing to ensure that my spleen was still intact (it was! Just really painful!). The rest of the details are fuzzy to me as I was so fatigued during that time that I was sleeping a lot. I do remember that my parents came swiftly and gathered my things while my roommates were on their mission trips and away at work. I never told my story to more than a small handful of trusted friends who promised not to pass judgment or tell. And just like that, my internship experience was over.

The time following the internship led me to a lot of self-doubt and wondering what I really did believe. Was there validity in what the Teen Mania Interns were being taught? Who was God, and was he really so formulaic, and impressed by my claims for healing? Why were there so many sick people in the world if this was the way it really worked? Why did this not line up with the mercy, grace and joy in following God that I had been taught? My mother was certain that my illness was God’s way of allowing me to escape Teen Mania, and I have to say that I’m inclined to believe the same.

Fast forward 13 years. I have dealt with chronic and variable aches, pains, migraines, double vision, tremors, muscular weakness, hormone problems, GI issues, and the like since that time. Numerous doctors have been unable to diagnose, but we know that it all started with the “mono” case at TM. After dozens of doctors, and what seems like hundreds of blood tests, and many inconclusive diagnoses (such as Chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia, depression, etc) I now know that while working in the woods at Teen Mania, one of the distinctive “Lone Star Ticks” that fell from the trees in such great quantity, bit my ankle. I developed a small cyst on my ankle following that time at TM and was unable to figure out a cause, until my doctor diagnosed it as a dermato fibroma, caused by a tick mouth or body lodged in my skin. I was tested for Lyme and its co-infections and first tested positive for Ehrlichia Chaffeensis. This is a rare co-infection that is carried by the Lone Star Tick that resides primarily in Texas (I have only been in Colorado since and we have no such tick-borne illness here). My test for Lyme/Borreliosis came back positive shortly after. The mono diagnosis had, in fact, been a mis-diagnosis. I suffered with chronic illness for 13 years with no diagnosis, and all along it had been my time at Teen Mania and the ignorance of the dangers of not listening to your body that had caused it.

I am currently in treatment for Lyme/Borreliosis/Ehrlichia Chaffeensis, and very ill from the medication and the advanced stage of this disease. In addition to my health, this disease has also cost me tens of thousands of dollars spent on treatment. There is so much I wish I could tell interns today and then. I wish so much that we had been warned of the dangers of ticks (especially those of us who were completely unaware of the dangers ticks present), that we had been encouraged to listen to our bodies instead of “beating them and making them our slaves,” but mostly I wish that we had shared in the knowledge and the joy of being loved unconditionally by a gracious God because THAT makes all the difference.

The Honor Academy: Grace's Story, part 1

2011-10-24T06:00:00.002-05:00

As a high school student, I was a go-getter. I was working two jobs at a time, acing my honors classes, running cross country, going on mission trips, and generally trying to be perfect and to save the world. My relationship with God was vibrant and my home and church involvement positive and encouraging to that end. I did not yearn for prom or football games or the things that most high schoolers wanted, I just wanted to get “out there” and serve God and to get on with my life. After a particularly moving trip to Russia with Teen Mania, I felt like I had more perspective than your average high school senior and wanted more. I prayed a lot about what that meant for me, and having been connected with Teen Mania and having seen a lot of lives changed through their ATF conferences and mission trips, my experience with the organization was positive. I knew about the Internship (now called the Honor Academy) and really felt that this was what God would have me do. I had the desire, the opportunity was there, and I had enough credits and enough drive to graduate early from high school. I finished up my Junior year, and enrolled in the local community college while taking AP English at High School so that I could graduate in December and move on to Texas, where I felt that God would use me.

Upon arriving at Teen Mania, I had confidence that God had called me there, and that got me through some of my initial doubts during the gauntlet week when we had the commitment ceremony and performed the various Gauntlet rituals. There was always joking about Teen Mania being a cult when I was there, but I think that my intern friends and I always thought, “Hey, we’re just out of high school and we love God—we do not bear any resemblance to cult members.” It was true, so many kids had come with an awe-inspiring love for God and a zeal to follow him and that truly just needed to be channeled and harnessed in a positive way. At the time, I felt like that was exactly what Teen Mania was doing for this army of zealous young people. My opinion changed as I became more aware of what life as an intern was like.

After settling in and getting to know staff and the daily expectations of an intern, things started to get a little less sunny for me. We worked LONG days in preparation for missions season, and were fully entrenched in classes, chapels, retreats and the like. It was exhilarating to be pushed on so many levels, as I craved more challenge in my walk with God, but something about it started to feel too pushy, and I started to feel weary. The subtle feeling of being manipulated didn’t sit well in my spirit and I began to pray for wisdom. The thing about being in such a “pressure cooker” of spirituality is that everyone around you is so zealous and so convinced of their own understanding of any given issue. They think that their strong feelings and their love for God means that they are following God and that anyone whose opinion does not line up with theirs “needed to get their life right” (a direct quote from one of my TM roomies). In any case, the disagreeing party needed prayer and conviction from God. As a person growing up in a very non-charismatic background with a lot of emphasis on doctrine and discernment, this kind of emotionalism and what felt like “spiritual bullying,” raised some red flags for me. I persisted, because, after all, this was what God had called me to do and I reasoned that since this was a different approach to following God than I had known, that some level of squeamishness was natural and normal. I figured that my discomfort only showed that I must have needed to be stretched into a more submissive and malleable intern; one more willing to hear what God was saying.

There was a lot of talk at TM about “teachability” and submission being strong virtues of a good intern (and consequently a good follower of Jesus). Because submission’s logical antithesis is pride, it made sense that we, as interns should be less attached to our own ideas and more willing to take on what was being taught. Pride is dangerous and unbiblical, except that at a certain point, not holding on to the doctrine and depth of what you have been taught in the faith becomes dangerous as well. There were many teachings around TM at that time that were in direct opposition to what I knew to be true of God’s nature. I had understood that he was the originator of joy and redemption, and a God of an illogical and undeserved grace. The teachings at Teen Mania that upset me most were those that fed into my perfectionist tendencies: having to cling to legalism and a list of standards and regulations to feel that I was worthy to come to God was the very culture of the internship. We even had something called “Leadership assessment points” that were given and taken away based on the frequency of your quiet times, your dedication to your job, your daily run, as well as your class homework and scripture memory. In the same vein (and most troublesome to me) was the “name it, claim it” belief that bad things would happen to you if you did not claim your healing and victories in prayer. As if there was a magical formula that convinced God whether or not you were worthy of the good gifts he wanted to give you. The unbalanced use of the verses concerning the tongue, and its power of life and death, had my roommates jumping all over each other at the mere admission of a human frailty. The phrase “pain is just weakness leaving your body” was originally spoken by Dave Hasz, but it was echoed ad nauseum among the interns and paired with phrases like “speak life” or “I rebuke that in Jesus’ name” if so much as a headache or less than agreeable sentiment was voiced.

You Are Not As Smart As You Think You Are

2011-10-21T12:18:00.002-05:00

"You Are Not So Smart is a book about all the wonderful ways you delude yourself everyday." This is psychology research thats easy to digest and will change your perspective on so many things. We are irrational, we make decisions and then justify them and we are susceptible to a whole host of biases - learning what they are can help us to mitigate them as well as understand ourselves and others better.

The author has blogged quite extensively in anticipation of the book's release. The latest post, the Benjamin Franklin effect is especially relevant to Honor Academy alumni. It explains so much about why people like ESOAL, why the UPG and similar retreats can be damaging and why our allegiance/pledge to a group tricks us into staying in harmful situations. It is too long to reprint the entire post here, but if you want to know what you'll learn, here is the summary:

Notice when a painful initiation leads to irrational devotion, or when unsatisfying jobs start to seem worthwhile. Remind yourself pledges and promises have power, as do uniforms and parades. Remember in the absence of extrinsic rewards you will seek out or create intrinsic ones. Take into account the higher the price you pay for your decisions the more you value them. See that ambivalence becomes certainty with time. Realize lukewarm feelings become stronger once you commit to a group, club or product. Be wary of the roles you play and the acts you put on, because you tend to fulfill the labels you accept.

The Honor Academy: Nick's Story

2011-10-10T06:00:00.001-05:00

Before you read my story, I want to make it clear where I am coming from. I am now inches away from being atheist. I have a deep hatred for religion (if there is a god who cared, I think that they would feel the same way), I feel that religion has done more harm in my life, and the lives of many others, than it was ever worth for me. I feel badly for anyone who has been harmed through these programs because the damage it has done to my life is almost beyond repair. Granted, it wasn’t specific things during my Honor Academy year that ruined my life – it was taking the teachings at the Honor Academy to heart and basing my life on them. My time on missions, or in the Honor Academy was not filled with negatives, but I know many of the issues I now have would have not come about if it were not for the teachings I heard and put into practice during these formative years. I think I have also blocked a lot of the memories from that time; I only have a few that really stand out. I also know that I went back to Texas twice, but I can't remember why the second time, when I would have gone, or for what reason. Also, my story is not that exciting, and they were not exceptionally horrible to me, but in the end, it had a much larger impact on my life than I ever thought it would.

We moved a lot when I was a kid, and it made things kind of hard for me when it came to connecting to people, and very easy when it came to cutting ties. About a year before I had my introduction to Teen Mania, I had started going to this small church that had some nice kids around my age. It worked out well because I had just moved there and did not know anyone. I became friends with them fairly quickly, and long story short, I ended up going with them to an ATF. It seemed like a reasonably good experience, and that these people really had a way to "connect to God," so while I was there, I figured I would check out some of the other things they had to offer. I was also just about to graduate from high school, and not quite feeling ready for college, and I figured that some time with the group would be a good idea...I was naive. Since a prerequisite for doing the HA was a mission trip, I signed up for one, and was soon on my way to South Africa. Looking back, I am amazed at the way these things were run. A bunch of kids are sent into a foreign country with no real clue as to the nature of the culture they are walking into, no idea about the language, nothing. It really is quite disgusting to me.

South Africa was fairly uneventful. I had a bit of a hard time fitting in with most of the people there because I was fairly secular, but the mentality and behaviors started to rub off on me. For the most part, they were nice to me. As I am sure you remember, the first week is filled with sleepless nights and endless "training." It was mostly sitting through lectures and learning those stupid plays that are going to save the world. All of this was always pushed with a healthy dose of "you are suffering for God, this is an honor." I tried, and did it without too much complaint. I bought the line that God would be proud of what we were doing. This was the story for most of the trip. I did as they asked, I suffered for God, I thought I was doing a good thing. The two things, however, that really stand out to me about the trip was first, carrying the sound box, that heavy blue thing that for some reason did hot have wheels that could be attached to it. And second, the fact that we went a week in an African desert with only 500mLs of water a day for the side trip I took to Mozambique. There was a limit to how much water they could boil in a day to make sure that it was safe to drink, but still, provisions should have been made to make sure we were well hydrated. I was so massively thirsty by the end of it that I could not stand it. Even worse, half way through that week, I saw the Team Leaders sitting in their hut drinking something they had bought at the store just down the road. Since I was only 18 and on the bottom of the food chain, I was not allowed to leave the compound to get anything for myself, or any of the other poor kids who felt the same way. I was so irritated that they were able to drink more than we were. They just told me I was doing a good thing for God and that I could not have anything else to drink.

About a week after I got home, I left for Texas to start my year as an intern. It was kind of the same story as the mission trip. I was still really secular compared to a lot of the people there, and I really had a hard time fitting in. Even though it was hard for me at first, I realized that it might be a good thing, as it would give me time to spend with God and figure out who I was, what He wanted for me, and where I was going to go. I went through that first week (gauntlet week) where they try to stress you out and see what job you would do well in. It all seemed a bit hokey to me, so much of what they tried to do didn't bother me. I ended up getting a job in the call center. I was horrible at it. I was trying to get kids to go on mission trips and I had specific call quotas to meet. It got to the point that I was praying that no one would answer when I called so that I could mark down a call but not actually have to talk to anyone. That was bad, but I was getting into really good shape in my off time, and the rest of it was spent praying and reading the Bible. I did not mind it too much; I think I might have even been happy. I eventually memorized entire chapters of the Bible and was able to quote other huge chunks of it. Once they realized how bad I was at telemarketing in the call center, I got moved into another department. It was nice. I was on B shift, so I started work in the afternoon, leaving mornings open for my workout and my quiet time. It was good for me. I became very much withdrawn and interested in doing my own thing. From those aspects, the rest of the year worked out fairly well.

I think the problem for me came in how seriously I took what they taught. From some of the garbage that has been posted about the teachings they have given, it is clear how toxic it is. Being young, naive, and impressionable, I thought these people actually knew what they were talking about, and that God wanted me to act in these ways. I became quite "afraid" of having any kind of relationship because they were terrible, (showing my now agnostic/atheist side of me) I actually thought the devil was there with his minions trying to push me down the wrong path into things like drugs, sex, and any other sin you can think of, and that I need to do everything to try and bring the world to salvation. I had become so out of touch with how people outside of Teen Mania acted that again, I had a hard time making friends when I got to the real world. I had almost become one of those monster shouter type preachers who thought the world was going to hell unless they repented and became like me (I never did yell from a street corner, but these things had become an all-consuming center of my life). People don't like that too much.

A few months after getting out of the HA, I went to college. I started a degree in a science field, and tried to hold onto what they taught me at the HA. The first couple of years of college, I held on pretty well. I started to do some things they would not approve of, like drinking a little more, and partying, but for the most part, I was good. I worked a lot and went to school, so I did not have a whole lot of free time to really enjoy things. My college years were pretty uneventful, but I guess the biggest thing about the science that I studied was that it taught me how to think. I am sorry for what I am about to say, but as I became more educated, the more I realized that this religious thing I had sunk so much interest into was wrong. I saw that it was all based on the way the world "worked" 2000 to 4000 years ago, and had little relevance to today. After college, I still felt pretty empty with myself, a feeling that probably helped to drive me to Teen Mania, and a feeling that made me take one more trip overseas in search of God and a meaning to my life. Everything I believed really started to fall apart overseas. The cracks had formed during college, and the ideas shattered during my trip. One of the biggest thoughts that led that for me was what kind of God would create something only to torture it in hell. God is a sick SOB if that is the case. This thought pervaded me for a little while, and it started to spread to other things I had been taught. I really started questioning the church’s teachings – both scientific and spiritual.

In the time since then, I have traveled a lot more and I have gotten married. I have almost ruined my marriage because I was still stuck in the BS from Teen Mania. As my spirituality has fallen apart, I have lost a sense of who and what I am. I am massively bitter about the time that I spent there, not because they were abusive, or used me as a paying slave, or any other issue that might come up, it is because they took an impressionable 18 year old kid who had not figured himself out yet, and shoved a line of garbage down his throat. I think within the last year or two I have also realized that I needed to look inside to figure myself out, to find that hole in my life...but it is harder now, and it has made me bitter. I am bitter and depressed because they took who I was and put a false personality there. They took me. The thing that scares me is the only way to get to what will make me happy will also destroy my life, and those who are closest to me. I know that I would not be where I am today if it were not for them, and I hate them for this, and wish with everything that I could go back and stop myself from going there. I really do hope that people see this website and think twice about going. It is a cult, it is abusive, it will ruin lives - it has ruined mine.

The Honor Academy: Melissa's Story, part 4

2011-10-06T06:00:00.002-05:00

Melissa's harrowing ESOAL story can be read here.

At the end of October, while I was working an ATF in Hamilton, Canada, my mom came to visit me. This was the first time we had seen each other since June, when I came back home to walk in my graduation ceremony. After seeing how bad my health was (especially as a result of ESOAL), her focus became getting me home and away from Teen Mania. Although she didn’t say any of this to me then, she was actually afraid that I would die if I stayed there any longer. To her this was (and still is) a matter of life and death.

While I was home on break I went to see my doctor. After my double ear infection and sinus infection in the beginning of the year, hospitals and doctors had a sense of safety. As I walked into the waiting room I began to cry uncontrollably. Although I was terrified of what my body was doing, I know now that I was having a panic attack. Once I was in an exam room the nurse asked me some questions, in which it was hard for me to answer. Next the doctor came in. She ended up talking with me for 3 hours! She sent Teen Mania the medical release that I felt they deserved. With the help of my mom, the doctor and I decided on the language of the note.The doctor took a neutral stand, but the my mother believed strongly that it should reference “emotional and physical abuse.” Still terrified of Teen Mania, I was afraid that those words would have repercussions for me. Even after that doctor’s appointment, it took me a week or so to open up to my mom and begin to tell her what my life was like at Teen Mania. After all, I had pledged never to speak ill of Teen Mania.

After I left campus, Teen Mania actually went into my bank account and got the final $100 that I would have paid if I had stayed the final six weeks. My mom was livid, reaching breaking point not only about that but also about my medical condition but also this. When she called to ask for a refund and complain about how they treated me, Sam Hasz simply hung up on her. She did not get an answer, an apology or even the beginning of an explanation.

The confusion that Teen Mania has brought to my life has completely altered my feelings toward religion and spirituality. Unable to connect my experience to the kind, caring religions I was taught as child, I feel I have no choice but to deny the existence of any sort of divine being. I don’t think I can ever return to the simple faith that I posessed just 3 years ago, because Teen Mania traveled deep in order to gain the leverage that they did. I do not think that I could have recovered, or at least began the road to recovery, as quickly as I have if I had chosen to keep my faith.

The Honor Academy: Melissa's Story, part 3

2011-10-05T06:00:00.001-05:00

Between the time that the old August class left and the new ones arrived and were trained, our January class of 50 had the responsibilities of the 400 positions that were unfilled. They promised us that we would get time off for the overtime we worked (and had a fancy formula or adding it up), but I never got it. During this time we were told that we had to clean the dorms to get ready for the August class. I remember that after working the whole day I would come back to my room and spend hours cleaning grimy blinds, rearranging furniture, vacuuming, and cleaning toilets. They also told us that as the new leaders on campus we had to be spiritually prepared. So, when we weren’t working physically, we were supposed to be praying and fasting for them. There was absolutely no rest and it was exhausting in every sense possible. Not to mention that when the new Augusts arrived, so did daily corporate exercise, which meant that we never had a chance to recuperate.

The August class came and, for me personally, that was the beginning of the end. I couldn’t have said this then, but I was watching these innocent, unsuspecting people (some were minors) walk into the terrible situation that I was living in.I started to realize I just couldn’t do it anymore. I could justify what was happening if I was the only one being harmed, but I couldn’t justify harming other people as well. I hadn’t applied to be an assistant Core Advisor (ACA), but I was put in the position because I was a January intern, only 1 of 50 or so interns on campus that had an idea of the rules. I was excited and happy because it was prestigious position and I would be able to do what I had actually gone to the HA to do (help others), but (besides the physical and emotional fatigue) I was nervous because I didn’t want to put them through what I had been put through.

As an ACA, I was responsible for all the girls in my room. I had to keep them in line and make sure they followed every rule. There was one girl that hated the rules so much that she would take it out on me, staring me down and almost yelling. There were definitely times that I felt like I was in danger, but my superiors told me that the problem was actually a demon within her. I was told that I was actually fighting spirits and not “flesh.” At one point, this smart young woman was grounded to her room for not turning in a paper for class. During the time that she was grounded to her room she went to the bathroom and it was my job to ask her, “Where did you go?” and “Why did you leave?” I remember thinking, “This is really stupid. What are we doing here?” But these questions and doubts were forbidden. Questions were seen as dissent and could only mean you were “one of them” or someone who does not support Teen Mania completely. There was a very strong sense of the people in Teen Mania being good, and the people outside in the world being bad. This completely added to my terror of the “outside world.” Think back to the incident at Wal-Mart- we were completely mortified- and, because Teen Mania had completely resocialized us, were unprepared to live in the outside world.

As “leaders” we were encouraged to “challenge” our followers. Learning from example, it meant finding other girl’s weakness and using them to manipulate them. Of course, this was all couched in spiritual language. You weren’t dealing with “people”, you were dealing with dangerous, demonic spirits and this made it completely acceptable because it was for the greater good of God. For example, one of my roommate’s morning routine included putting on makeup. There is nothing wrong with this at all but I felt that her sense of autonomy and self needed to be removed because this dependence should only be found in Teen Mania. I ended up telling her to try not wearing makeup because it was “vain” and “prideful.” At the time, I felt that God told me to do this and had given me special insight into her behavior. I see now that there is nothing wrong with her behavior and is even good for her.

As an ACA, I was also required to write reports on my roommates that were then given to my CA. I was supposed to report on what I had learned about each of my girls and what God wanted to work on in them. In my opinion, this was just so leadership would have more ways to control these people. Looking back, I can see that this system of rules was simply cruel and mean and worked to prevent me from gaining any real friends. The girls were all angry with me and with their loss of freedom. From the outside our room was clean and tidy, but if you got us all into our room it was horrible. I would see other girls and how much fun they had with the other girls in their room, but I had no idea how to have this joy and still follow the rules that were laid before me.

I had worked hard to have enough money for my internship, but this meant that I had no extra cash. Towards the end of August, I began to run out of money completely. I had so little cash that I would wash my clothes in the sink. Knowing that I couldn’t pay anyone back I didn’t want to ask anyone for money - money that I wouldn’t have until I got a paying job when I got back home. (My family had put any extra money that they had towards my tuition - even going to food banks to get groceries after sending me the money I needed some months.) I personally didn’t have a problem with washing my clothes in the sink, but this made the people around me uncomfortable. They would just look down at me, believing that my need was a result of some sin in my life or the life of my parents. Doesn’t this sound familiar? They would say things like, “Where is your faith? God should be providing for you right now and if He is not providing for you then you must be doing something wrong.” This constantly came from my peers and my CA and it became a huge stigma on me, because the situation never changed. There was nothing my family or I could do. I was not getting paid and my family was working as hard as possible to provide for themselves and to help me as well. This added stress was just another blow to my mind and body.

The best way that I can describe the environment at the Honor Academy is survival– emotionally and even physically. Anything that gave you a leg up on someone else, you would use it, because whatever leadership could use as leverage against you, they would use. To me, this explains why the judgment and condemnation is so harsh on campus. You are even encouraged by leadership to “challenge” your peers. This is still a huge problem for me. Even now, recognizing when someone is being nice and reacting in a nice way is incredibly difficult. To believe that people genuinely want the best for you is hard to fathom after the HA. After being told that you are stupid, a failure and unable to do anything correctly over and over, for almost a year, it is difficult to have the expectation that people can be kind or compassionate, not to mention loving. Ironically this is supposed to be a sign of a Christian community.

The Honor Academy: Melissa's Story, part 2

2011-10-04T06:00:00.001-05:00

At one point, I went to see Jose Cano, the licensed counselor on staff, because I was having a hard time with the HA. I was incredibly homesick and frustrated that I wasn’t feeling close to God like I had at the beginning of the internship and at home. After giving him an overview of my life, which he encouraged me to tell him, he told me that my best friend was gay and my mom had abused me as a child. Both of these are complete lies. As an only daughter of a single mother we were each other’s best friends. We relied on each other, loved each other, and were a healthy picture of what a mother-daughter relationship should be. But Mr. Cano advised me to “look into my past” and be “not be afraid to go places that you haven’t gone before” (he likened my life to a series of suitcases that held other deep, dark secrets that I only needed to open to be free of) and I would be the happy, outgoing woman again. Once again thinking that Teen Mania could never be wrong, I was forced to the logical conclusion that I had to be wrong. After all, he was a professional and knew much more than a teenager like me. But, because he convinced me that my mother was a horrible person and began to chisel away the (healthy and appropriate) trust I felt towards her, I began to push her away for the rest of my time at the HA. He also told me I had problems with men and their authority because I grew up with a single mother. All of this in only one session!

Halfway through the year (after I had seen Mr. Cano and who I couldn’t seem to schedule a follow up appointment with) one of my good friends left the HA. She did not feel comfortable with Ron Luce’s stand on some theological ideas, and made this clear when she left. Because she was so strong about leaving the HA I was encouraged that I could finally leave as well. There had been times I wanted to leave the HA, but (as in the case with Mr. Cano) ended up feeling like it was a problem with me, which only led me to have greater dependence on Teen Mania who seemed to be the answer for all my short comings. I also felt like there was a huge stigma against leaving. You were considered weak or a failure if you decided you couldn’t stay any longer. This is where I feel the most manipulated. David Hasz would say, “You are going to disappoint your supporters if you don’t finish.” He would also threaten us that if we don’t finish the internship we would fail at our marriage, our jobs, our schooling, parenting our future children, basically whatever you did you would be a failure for the rest of your life. He would even say you were disappointing your supporters if you were late to class!

For my ministry placement job, I worked in a call center and I did not enjoy it. There was constant turnover in the staff and the one consistent goal that we had was our quota. If you didn’t get enough applications or commits, it was because you either hadn’t prayed enough or there was some sin in your life that kept you from getting Teen Mania’s rightfully deserved blessing. In this case (even though this was not true) I was made to feel like I was somehow sabotaging Teen Mania and, in a more indirect way, the kingdom of God. Somewhere Teen Mania and God were confused, and I was made to feel that Teen Mania’s will was God’s will, which meant that when I “failed” Teen Mania by not getting enough applications for missions trips I was actually failing God. And because Teen Mania’s quotas were always impossible and out of reach this meant that I was always a failure. These feelings were both said and implied. As I mentioned earlier, David Hasz would out right manipulate us, but lower staff would be subtler. For instance, if you were having a bad day or discouraged because of the impossible responsibilities that Teen Mania gave you, you were supposed to “Take five with Jesus” and that would fix it. Or when you told them your numbers were down, they’d say, “Well you tell me what the problem is.” Then whatever you told them, they would use that information against you! David Hasz never used this form of manipulation against me personally, but supervisors and CAs definitely had the personal connection that this kind of manipulation required. Obviously, they had the information on our accountability cards.

For months and months we didn’t have any soap in the bathroom. We would run out of toilet paper and would go for days without it. If we needed to use the bathroom we had 2 choices: either go to a different dorm or walk up to Mission Control on the other side of campus. Some girls even kept an emergency roll of toilet paper secretly so that they would be taken care of if there was an emergency. We would also go months and months without paper towels. The maintenance in the dorms was terrible; toilets would be clogged with feces for over a week at a time. On top of that, the cleaning chemicals would never be closed – just open bottles – and the stench was horrible. It smelled like we were in a radioactive area. Plus, nobody really ever cleaned the bathroom. There was a constant fear of getting sick. When Mr. Hasz was asked why we did not have these basic necessities we were told that we needed to buy our own soap, and implied that we were stupid because we didn’t think of this ourselves. To this day, I wonder what how large Ron Luce’s off shore accounts are. The fact that were paying $8,000 and were deprived toilet paper and soap is ridiculous.

The Honor Academy: Melissa's Story, part 1

2011-10-03T06:00:00.002-05:00

Moderator's Note: "Melissa's" Story was posted last year but had to be temporarily taken down for personal reasons. It is so eloquently written and so recent - 2009 - that she has given me permission now to repost it.

Shortly after starting high school, I attended my very first ATF. Alone, I went to one of the breakout sessions, showed interest in the Honor Academy and subsequently was put on every Teen Mania calling and mailing list. For the next 2 years, TM called me once or twice a month, and sent me packets, brochures, and invitations to Teen Mania events. Excited about being a part of something bigger than myself and making the world a better place, I went to every ATF that came into town. So sure that I wanted to be a part of what Teen Mania was doing (something huge, beautiful, exciting, and helpful to the world), my mother and I eventually went to a campus preview weekend so we could both make sure that the Honor Academy was the right choice for me. We also wanted to see what the life of an intern was going to be like - something that no intern could really answer for me over the phone. After that weekend, both my mom and I felt God was telling me to go to the Honor Academy. Now, looking back, I can see the different kinds of persuasion techniques that Teen Mania used to trick me into believing that it was God’s will for my life. After digging deeper than the sleep deprivation (from the nonstop activities and inadequate sleep) and normal, human worries of being accepted and fitting in, I have unearthed feelings of discomfort in that campus visit.

As much as I was excited to be there, I remember being confused that even though David Hasz and Ron Luce talked a big talk of “loving us” and “wanting what God wants for us” (which I assumed was the best), the conditions in the dorms and the amount of work that was placed upon the interns showed clear disinterest in intern’s physical and emotional well being. For instance, when I walked bare foot into the shower area in the bathroom I was warned that I should always wear flip flops because of the infections that interns were getting from going barefoot. Of course, these seemingly small red flags were the beginning of Teen Mania’s behavioral patterns that are very close to that of an abusive relationship. Nonetheless, I was still incredibly eager to attend the Honor Academy.

After taking night classes and dual enrolling at my community college, I graduated a semester early for the sole purpose of going to the Honor Academy as quickly as I possibly could. In addition to my full (and perhaps overburdened) class load, I worked part time to earn money for the HA. Finally, after a lot of hard work, I began my intern year on January 3rd, 2009.

All of my friends had supported me completely in my decision to attend the HA (most of them had attended ATF with me), so when I told them I wouldn’t be able to talk to them for my first 6 weeks, they were hurt but still supportive. Although I was told that only texting was not allowed during the week (I could still call and talk to them on the phone anytime) I knew that my time would be completely monopolized by my many responsibilities. I knew this full well and even saw this as a good thing. After all, I had gone to Teen Mania ready to spend the whole year “growing closer to the Lord” and “becoming a leader.” After coming home, I realized that this isolation was purposeful. By the end of the 10 months that I spent at Teen Mania I was terrified of the “outside world.” On a trip to the local Wal-Mart with my CA (or core advisor) I remember her launching into an intense prayer for the customers that were in Wal-Mart, who she believed would die in an apocalypse that would happen right then. Although this might seem like an exaggeration, the terror that interns lived under is not a joke.

Gauntlet week was as torturous as it sounds. We had to get up at 5:30 for an intense workout called “corporate exercise” and had a day that was packed with absolutely no down time. Even our “quiet time” was intended to be a time of study and introspection, in which we were encouraged to “go deep.” Everything was so controlled during this week. Even our showers were timed! We were told exactly where to go all day long, and even coached in what our attitude should be like. That is when the extreme control started, control that only grew worse as the year went on. Also, during Gauntlet week, it seemed like everything was hyped up; it was all about going to the next session and “getting fed”. But when that week ended, the excitement and the joy seemed to suddenly stop. It was like Gauntlet in a sense “fattened you up” but then after that they expected complete loyalty and no complaining for the intense and extreme work schedule ahead. It was as if it was Christmas and you hadn’t been given a real present that was selfless of the giver, but rather some sort of tool that you were now expected to use for them. This mixture of thankfulness but blatant punch or hurt on Teen Mania’s part confused me. I looked to Teen Mania to provide for me (after all, I was paying for these basic necessities), and when that person says that you should be thankful, but yet you’ve received nothing more than the basic necessities (and even less than that sometimes) this is confusing, and, once again, just like an abusive relationship. Looking back, the mindset of everything seems so twisted and selfish of Teen Mania. I do not consider myself a complainer, in fact my mom hated complaining and I learned as a child that complaining is not the way to communicate, so when I voiced my concern for the intense pace of the work and my leaders and peers told me that I was “complaining” and had a “heart condition” that God needed to deal with, this caused me great concern. Trusting these people, I felt that I had to be the problem.

But anyway, Gauntlet was full force, training all day even through dinnertime. There was no respect for our time or for our sleeping and that did not end when Gauntlet was over. The first 4-5 months were just as fast paced, and we were working so hard that my memory of that is mostly a blur.

Ready to put my internship to some use and wanting the kind of teaching and knowledge that I wasn’t getting in my classes (although they were “college level”), I signed up for the IET (Intensive Elective Training) Program. I had enjoyed school in high school and liked the thought of proving my abilities to my peers and to myself. Just as the name implies, IET is an optional program in which you take all the college classes that are offered as well as a class that focuses on one’s leadership abilities. IET is broken down into 3 intense and extremely fast paced 6 week curriculums. It was during IET, which was 2 or 3 months into my intern year, when my mom was beginning to become concerned about my wellbeing. I had to do all kinds of weird things like take cold showers and go to sleep with my arms crossed on top of my chest like a dead person in a coffin. They wanted you to go to bed facing death, because they felt that this life is only temporary and God can take your life away at any moment. I can understand wanting to share you’re love of life and wanting to teach this love and appreciation, but to do that by depriving your student of a well rested, enjoyable life seems ridiculous. Perhaps encouraging and communicating the good side of life would be much more efficient than communicating death.

At one point during IET, I got a double ear and sinus infection. One of my “sisters” found me in my room screaming because the pain was so horrible. Everyone in my dorm was at work for the whole day, but sometime during the day I could hear someone downstairs playing the guitar on the floor below. I thought that if they heard me, then they would come and help me. But no one came, and as the pain continued to get even worse I called for the one person I wanted most- my mom. It took two grown women to help me walk down the stairs of my dorm. They ended up taking me to the emergency room in Tyler, which was one of the most painful car rides of my life. After I had recovered a couple days (my mom fought to have me moved to a separate room… I’m not sure if my roommates had no consideration for my health or did not realize how sick I was, but they were loud and kept the light on very late) I went to staff member Daniel B. and told him I couldn’t finish. After looking at me for a minute he said, “I think you can finish this, I think you can do this.” Hindsight is 20/20 and looking back I see this as utterly stupid. Feeling encouraged that someone (someone in leadership no less) had seen my hard work and wanted me to keep it up, I ignored my body and complied. In fact, I was one of two people in my class to complete Phase 2. As if that story isn’t hard enough, after I had completed phase one David Hasz told my class that there wasn’t going to be a phase 2 or 3 for my January class, and if the two people that finished phased one wanted to finish IET and become “PUMAs” (or Perseverance Under Much Adversity) we would need to stay a second year. I have no doubt that the workload of IET (the lack of sleep, overextension of my body, etc.) brought on the infections, but as it would turn out all my hard work was all for nothing. Unfortunately, Teen Mania’s whole program is set up like this; it seems like you can only succeed at failing.

Illegal Boxing Match at Tulsa Church Leaves One Dead

2011-09-28T01:34:00.004-05:00

As part of their efforts to "reach" the 18-30 crowd, GUTS Church in Tulsa has been holding unsanctioned boxing matches. Last week, one of the boxers became critically ill within minutes of his match and died just after reaching the hospital. Making the story even more tragic, he leaves behind a fiance, 2 year old daughter and an unborn child.

I remember hearing about GUTS while I was at Teen Mania because it was one of the big churches in Tulsa. In fact, there are at least 2 former Honor Academy interns on staff at GUTS church.

Chris Hart, former Trailer Club man, is on staff at GUTS and served as the Campus Plant Director for the Sub30 ministry - the department responsible for the illegal boxing matches.

The day before the fight, Sub30 tweeted this message:

RT @travislpeters: Like watching people get punched in the face? Of course! FIGHT NIGHT tonight at @sub30tulsa 8pm, $5. See ya there.

Apparently, you could also upgrade to ringside tickets for $50 as well.

As a reminder, this is actually a church event.

Now, I don't know who came up with this idea or what twisted way they could possibly come up with to justify this as an even remotely Christian activity...but I wonder - is it possible that the (former?) head of the Sub30 ministry was influenced by Heath Stoner's trailer club teachings? After all, we know that in the past Teen Mania has held its own underground boxing matches.

This is just one of ten available videos, chosen at random.

Regardless of the specific details about where this idea originated, this tragic situation brings two grave concerns to mind:

1) When will the church realize that being a godly man has nothing - NOTHING! - to do with beating people up or demonstrating your physical strength?

2) How long will Teen Mania continue its dangerous activities before it changes? Does someone have to actually die before they will stop?? We already know that at least one person nearly died and that seems to have changed nothing.

Where is the sense in all this? Where is the Christianity? Where is the love?

What About Parents Who Approve of ESOAL/PEARL?

2011-09-21T00:14:00.002-05:00

Several parents visited the Teen Mania campus to watch or participate in the ESOAL/PEARL event. Heath Stoner interviewed this parent, who participated with his daughter.

This man is well-spoken and believable. After watching his interview, even I want to believe him! He seems very reasonable and calmly assures us that there is no brainwashing going on at Teen Mania and that everything is perfectly Biblical and safe.

However, I found the differences between his interview and his daughter's interview alarming.

Through sobbing tears, she says,

"On Thursday, he threw out his back and he just kept going..."

"On Friday, we did the log thing again and that was really hard to watch because his back was already hurt but he just like took it...and the Lord just wrecked my heart for him. Just the example and I've always looked up to him but just in a new way of him completely humbling himself, completely becoming nothing, completely leaning on the Lord as his strength; completely, even past when his body said no. And he didn't ring out last night because he couldn't go on. He rang out last night because he wanted me to grow and he was praying about it so he rung out.

So the man that assured us everything at ESOAL was Biblical and safe threw out his back and still refused to listen to his body? Seriously????

"No, no, I'm not brainwashed. I always throw out my back doing spiritual activities and refuse medical care. Since my daughter is crying about how awesome I am for doing that, this shows that ESOAL/PEARL is great!"

Another ESOAL Testimony

2011-09-20T06:00:00.000-05:00

PEARL is based on ESOAL 2006-2010. This testimony comes from ESOAL 2007:

Since ESOAL ended, I have been having problems with my legs. I was cut up a lot during ESOAL. Well now I have these scabs and cuts that aren't healing to well. I have been cleaning them with peroxide and neosporin every day. They look like they start to heal, but then there's a kind of scab that gets covered by pus. It's very painful, almost unbearable to walk. I've been putting band-aids on them and it's not helping. The sores start to leak and turn the band-aid hard. They're starting to stink a little. It hurts in the mornings to get out of bed. If you remember please pray that these sores heal quickly. I really don't want to go to the doctor and pay a ridiculous amount of moola. Thanks!

*update on Oct. 3rd, 2007 5:21PM- I am seeing the Nurse Practitioner on Friday!

*Update on Oct. 4th, 2007 8:55PM- The Clinic at Teen Mania cancelled all appointments. I need to see a Doctor... anyone know of any free ones in Texas? THANKS!

And then more of that legendary care from East Texas medical facilities:

She pokes my scab with some needle... didn't hurt. Blood comes out. She says, "Oh I was expecting something else." What was she expecting? Anyways... She looks at it some more... "I don't know what you have, but it's infected."

Teen Mania's Lies and Propaganda

2011-09-18T22:52:00.010-05:00

I know I shouldn't be surprised by the way Teen Mania continues to lie and mislead the public about its activities. Now that the vow of silence has been broken, they are scared to death that the truth about the Honor Academy, and specifically ESOAL/PEARL will come to light, so they are waging an all out propaganda effort so that their supply of free labor will continue.

They have uploaded a plethora of videos about the PEARL in an attempt to show how safe, spiritual and downright fun it is! In particular, this video of rolling the hill caught my attention.

There are two major red flags with this video.

1) If you wanted to show the world that you are brainwashing kids, I don't know a better way to do that then to show those same kids enthusiastically rolling down a hill of vomit. They are laughing and singing and acting like this is the very best time they've ever had.

I mean - this can't even be satirized - it's that bizarre. "Teen Mania is awesome! I love rolling down this vomit covered hill! I'm not being abused - see I'm laughing and enjoying myself!!"

What?!? This is seriously so beyond belief - I feel like I'm getting punked or something.

2) To my knowledge, rolling the hill has been a staple of every single ESOAL/PEARL. Why is that? Is it because its fun and the kids love it so much?

NO!

It's because it causes them to be very physically uncomfortable! They are vomiting. When stating the rules of "Beenie Weenie Hill" (so named because thats what people first threw up on it), Dave Hasz says, "If you throw up, you may stand up." Previous ESOAL videos PROMINENTLY featured kids looking miserable going down the hill, vomiting and crying.

In fact, one of the mind games played on interns in both THIS year and former years is the winner of a challenge is forced to choose what team will have to roll the hill. If rolling the hill is so much fun - then why is it used as punishment?

For reference, please fast forward to 3:16 in the following video. Do these interns look like they are having fun?

I can show you all kinds of footage of vomiting interns - why didn't Heath include that in his video update?

Do you see the VAST DIFFERENCE in how rolling the hill is presented in the video that was originally intended only for interns vs. the video that is intended for the public at large?

I'm sure the interns in this year's video were coached to give the proper reactions. Teen Mania knows the stakes and the leadership, I'm sure, repeatedly told the interns that these videos would be used to show the outside world how awesome Teen Mania is. And a good intern ALWAYS portrays Teen Mania in a positive light. They knew what they had to do.

But the fact that a major Christian youth ministry is showcasing a video of teenagers who ENJOY ROLLING DOWN A VOMIT COVERED HILL as proof that they are having fun and are completely safe - it just BOGGLES THE MIND.

And if you think that this isn't a big deal - it just shows how desensitized you are to Teen Mania's craziness.

PEARL Update

2011-09-14T11:14:00.001-05:00

The Honor Academy facebook page claims that the PEARL is:

PEARL is JUST as (challenging as ESOAL) if not MORE challenging. We shall see!

Posted by Honor Academy on 9/14/11 at 10:46am

PEARL 2011 (Formerly ESOAL)

2011-09-14T06:00:00.004-05:00

This week the Honor Academy interns will start the event known as the PEARL (physical, emotional and relational learning). In past years, this even was known as ESOAL (emotionally stretching opportunity of a lifetime). Because of a spate of bad press and many damning ESOAL videos being posted to youtube, Teen Mania made minor changes to the event and rebranded it as the PEARL.

Even though Teen Mania has admitted multiple times that the PEARL is basically the same as ESOAL, many people still falsely believe that ESOAL and ESOAL style activities have been removed from the Honor Academy.

If the PEARL was significantly different from ESOAL, Teen Mania would not be able to make the following remarks on its website and facebook pages:

"Current and past Interns have consistently rated PEARL as the most influential Life Transforming Event of the year!"

"Testimonies from past years of ESOAL (which is now PEARL) will be shared today at Teen Mania Chapel!"

From Heath Stoner's Director's blog: "My wife went through this Life Transforming Event back in 2008."

As noted in this recent post, David Hasz specifically says that PEARL will be similar to ESOAL events from 2006 onward.

While I'm thankful that some minor changes are being made, especially the removal of the military atmosphere (I thought Jon Hasz told the KLTV reporter that "we don't think of ourselves as a bootcamp"), a now unlimited access to food (though will they be allowed to keep it down?) and the supposed elimination of "fear factor" style challenges - I still have grave concerns about the overall event.

Firsty, how can leadership that (at the very least) made repeated grave errors in judgment be trusted in their handling of vulnerable young people? If someone felt it proper to simulate being buried alive in a coffin, to push you to the point of hypothermia and to terrorize you with cockroaches - all in the name of Jesus! - how can you trust their judgment in the future? Teen Mania leadership has done ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to earn the trust of parents and interns with regards to the safety of ESOAL/PEARL.

Secondly, the theology behind ESOAL/PEARL is nowhere to be found in Scripture! Is Teen Mania still using the PEARL to teach the "burial and resurrection" theology? Or have they abandoned it? This issue is conspicuously absent from all of their marketing fanfare.

Because of the oath that all interns are required to make:

"I will never speak ill of Teen Mania Ministries or allow Teen Mania to be portrayed in a negative light."

It is unlikely that we will hear the truth about exactly what transpires at the PEARL for some time. However, since the PEARL is based on ESOAL 2006-ESOAL 2010, I will leave you with some videos from that time frame.

In 2011, will Dave Hasz and the rest of the facilitators stand back and watch as an intern has a panic attack?

I forgot to upload the video of the facilitator offering medical advice to a young woman complaining about ankle pain by saying, "Tell your ankle to be healed." So instead, I'll give you this one, which is more subtle but basically the same thing.

RELATED:
Sydney's Story
ESOAL Training 2009 (including comments on fear factor style activities)
A Marine's Point of View

Dear Parents: Please Listen to Your Kids

2011-09-12T06:00:00.001-05:00

Often when things aren't going well for new interns or kids on summer mission trips, they call home in tears. Unable to really articulate what is going on, most parents just think its homesickness or something trivial and encourage their child to stay. Parents assume that their children are with trustworthy people who will take care of them, but they often have no idea what is really going on.

When you go to a Christan campus and your experience is totally different than what you expected, it can be hard to articulate. Add to the fact that these are kids. They don't always know how to tell you that they aren't being kept safe. That they are verbally harassed. That they are not cared for when they need medical attention.

In this story, a parent shares how her teenage daughter called her every few days from her mission trip upset and in tears. Only now, years later, has the mother discovered what was actually going on during that trip.

Read it here.

Parents, I beg you, please listen to your children.

You Didn't Deserve It

2011-09-07T06:00:00.000-05:00

I came across this quote in the book "Recovering from Churches That Abuse",

Tragically, like other victims of abuse, she sometimes feels that she deserved the abuse, that she was a bad person, that she didn't measure up, that she could never make it on her own in life.

Do you ever feel like you deserved the humiliation or condemnation that Teen Mania heaped on you?

Well, you didn't!

It's not your fault. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You have nothing to fear. You have no need to feel guilty.

It is absolutely not your fault that you were mistreated, lied to, taken advantage of, abused or otherwise exploited.

You were just caught in a damaging system - mistreated by other interns that were given very bad advice and way to much power and by staff that cared more about preserving their own egos and reputation than about really caring for God's people.

So the question is, do you really believe this? Or do you still think you did something to deserve your abuse?

Blake's Story: David Hasz was my High School Teacher

2011-09-06T06:00:00.000-05:00

Before David Hasz joined Teen Mania, he taught highschool. This email is from one of his former students.

I wanted to thank you for your blog. I found it just a few days ago and I have been reading it a little bit each day since. I have to admit that I was reluctant at first to visit the site because I thought it was a bash David Hasz site. However, it is clear to me from what I have read that you have presented thoughtful, insightful, and well founded criticisms of both TM and David.

I suppose I'm not quite the target audience for your blog as I was never at the Honor Academy. I know David from my high school were he taught before joining TM full time. David was my Bible teacher, coach, and informal mentor. I also went on a TM mission trip with him and attended a couple of ATFs. While I didn't experience any of the blatant abuse described by so many of the Honor Academy alumni, most of the teachers at my high school believed a similar performance based theology taught by TM. I heard many of the teachings described on your site from David although I think many were in an embryonic state when I heard them.

Many of the feelings that you described in your story resonate with me: the dry times, the guilt for not being good enough, and despair. I tried so hard to do the things that David and TM taught. When I graduated and attended college (a genuinely Christian college), I felt like my whole world was falling apart. No one at college seemed to be a real Christian because they were not constantly floating on an emotional high. I tried "tithing" my quiet times my first semester as David had once suggested (I could only manage 2 hours and I was barely awake anyway) and quickly began to burn out. I refused to listen to secular music, and I even plugged my ears with my fingers for two hours in a friend's car as I rode back from my first Christmas break! I could go on, but I think that paints a good picture how I was thinking and living. Throughout this time I felt God had forgotten me, but he hadn't. At least two times during college I felt his presence. I expected condemnation and anger, but what I felt was love and acceptance. Ultimately I couldn't believe it, and returned to my performance "gospel" shortly after each encounter trying harder than before to please him - to foolishly show him I deserved a second chance.

God blessed me after college with a wonderful wife, children, and a career. All the time I was still attempting to achieve my identity and acceptance through my own performance. Ultimately for me, it took an incredibly embarrassing bout with addiction to hit bottom. I could no longer pretend that I could earn acceptance from God. I have since found a group where I am experiencing real healing based on the finished work of Christ. It's amazing to see how God pursues us even when we ignore him and attempt to do things our own way. I thought that I had moved past the hurts from high school until I came upon your blog. I wasn't expecting the emotional response I had after reading just the first entry. For the first time, I connected the dots between my performance based living and the things I learned in high school. Thank-you again for sharing your story so openly.

In addition, after seeing David's appalling behavior in some of the videos, I feel betrayed. I had thought that he really cared about me and all his students. It seems to me now that anything he did was suspect. The things he is doing are so incredibly wrong, and you are right in establishing a forum to expose them.

The Honor Academy: Kara's Story

2011-09-01T06:00:00.001-05:00

Even though it’s been 8 years since I completed my internship I am still struggling to make sense of my year in Garden Valley. Before applying for the Honor Academy I knew very little about Teen Mania Ministries, in fact my no one from my church group had ever attended an Acquire the Fire or Global Expeditions mission trip. My youth pastor had received some type of mailer from Teen Mania that had some information about the Honor Academy on it – stating that this was the place to be for anyone who wanted to become a leader in the church. I loved the church, I loved my youth group and I loved leading people to Christ. Honestly, at that point in my life, I felt a very strong calling and pull within my heart to devote my life and career to full time ministry. So after checking out the Honor Academy website and speaking with a current intern and hearing of all their wonderful claims, I decided that this was the place for me.

So in August of 2002, less than 9 weeks after graduating high school, I packed my bags and headed for Texas. I was ready for an intense year of learning and growing closer to the Lord as well as refining my leadership skills. My first day on campus was very intimidating to say the least, I really felt like the only one who didn’t know what was going on. It seemed like most people there had at least a little bit of Teen Mania exposure. There was so much chaos, I dropped off almost all of my things in some random dorm room then I headed to the barracks with a small backpack of necessities. The Gauntlet – the first 10 days of my internship were pretty much awful. I cried every night and called home when I could, begging my father to let me go home. My father, who had no idea what was going on but trusted I was with “God’s people” and in good hands, told me to stick it out for a few more weeks and see if it got any better and if at that point I wanted to leave he would buy me a plane ticket home. I come from a fairly conservative Lutheran background, by this I mean I never saw someone raise hands during worship, speak in tongues, get “slain” in the spirit or get “healed.” Day One at the Honor Academy I experienced each one of these things – I felt like an outsider because these things were so foreign and misunderstood to me. I remember people telling me stories about how they received spiritual gifts from the Lord, how they made the lame walk, how they fought off demons and witnessed exorcisms. All of this felt so strange and odd to me, my whole life I’ve loved God and knew Jesus was my redeemer, I had memorized countless scripture, witnessed my testimony and strived to live a life that best represented Jesus Christ – I suddenly felt like some kind of Christian rookie, like I was starting all over again. I was told that the music I enjoyed was a vessel of Satan that was corrupting my soul. I was told that the movies I found funny were in fact not, that these things were “feeding my flesh” and I needed to cut these things out of my life if I wanted to grow closer to God. I had never felt so much pressure to fit in, in my entire life. I was told that if I wanted to follow my desire to be in ministry full time that I had to become a leader, to live above reproach and kill my fleshly desires.

Before the Honor Academy I felt close to God, I enjoyed praying to him and reading his word. His grace was sufficient. I really felt as though God listened to me and loved me as his child. Although, after some time at Teen Mania, I learned my previous conceptions of my Lord were false. Grace was not enough anymore, in order to be his vessel I needed to change everything about myself – who I spent time with, what I read, what I listened to, even how I dressed affected how God’s power would reveal itself through me and to me. The Honor Academy alienated me from my church, friends and family because these people did not line up with all the teachings I learned at HA. I actually got into an argument with my Pastor halfway through my internship. He and my church friends and family had believed I had joined a cult and staged an intervention for me while I was home for Christmas. Luckily the Honor Academy prepared me for such persecution and I was able to convince everyone that I was fine, I even went as far as to verbally challenge a few of them on their personal faith and convictions(yuck!).

The Honor Academy taught me that God is limited and conditional when it comes to grace, love and power. I feel like I could write on forever detailing all the lies and untruths taught to me throughout my year at the Honor Academy. It saddens me to see people that had such a fire for God and his love at the Honor Academy profess that they are now atheists or agnostics. That their faith became so much of a chore or burden that it has hindered them from continuing to pursue God. I will even admit that for myself it has been incredibly difficult to unlearn all the false teachings of Teen Mania. I still long to be that girl I was before the Honor Academy, the one who had such an unbridled passion for Christ and loving his people. The Honor Academy put so much emphasis and restrictions on my behavior that loving God and his people turned into a long list of do’s and don’ts.

Even now, I have a very hard time finding people that understand spiritual abuse and it can make me feel very alone. It does make me feel a bit better to see that there are others out there who have shared similar experiences, but the fact that Teen Mania is still doing this to God’s children is very upsetting.

On Why So Many Interns Love the Honor Academy

2011-08-29T06:00:00.003-05:00

Why do we keep going back to the people who hurt us? Why does a hurt and exploited intern return for a 2nd year? Why does a dismissed intern return for another shot at graduating?

Sometimes, the answer is "Stockholm Syndrome." The term was coined when hostages in a Stockholm bank robbery bonded so deeply with their captors that they were actually angry at being rescued. Although threatened with death, the hostages supported the captors and after 10 years in prison, 2 of the hostages married 2 of the captors in a double wedding attended by many of the former hostages.

I recently came across a great discussion of this concept in the book The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitative Relationships by Patrick Carnes. For many reasons, we can bond deeply with those who hurt us - and this addictive bond keeps us entrapped in the cycles of abuse, often with a smile on their face.

In terms of the Honor Academy, we sometimes see this wheninterns that were clearly abused by Teen Mania continue to speak its praises. I can't tell you how many times alumni have profusely praised their Teen Mania experience - and yet when I ask some deeper questions about what they went through, they recount tales of humiliation and abuse.

An apt description of these bonds via Caught in the Cogs:

These victims develop compassion and loyalty to their abusers, whether that abuse be physical, psychological, emotional, verbal, or a combination thereof. They tend to see the lack of abuse or periods between abuse as kindness, as proof of their abuser’s humanity.

While this might seem counterintuitive, its a common phenomenon in abusive relationships. In fact, I think interns might be more subject to this than the average victim because their entire life is under the subjection of Teen Mania. At the end of the day, they can't go home to their own safe space. Teen Mania is their entire reality and in order to cope with that reality, denial is often employed:

The use of denial and distancing oneself from the abuse are forms of what is called cognitive dissonance. In abusive relationships this means that what is happening to the victim is so horrible, so far removed from their thoughts and expectations of the world, that it is “dissonant” or “out of tune” or “at odds” with their pre-existing expectations and reality. Since the victim feels powerless to change the situation, they rely on emotional strategies to try to make it less dissonant, to try to somehow make it fit. To cope with the contradicting behaviors of the abuser, and to survive the abuse, the person literally has to change how they perceive reality. Studies also show a person is more loyal and committed to a person or situation that is difficult, uncomfortable, or even humiliating, and the more the victim has invested in the relationship, the more they need to justify their position.

Trauma bonding makes it easier for a victim to survive within the relationship, but it severely undermines the victims self-structures, undermining their ability to accurately evaluate danger, and impairs their ability to perceive of alternatives to the situation.

If you think you might still have a betrayal bond with someone, here is an online test to help gauge the level of your symptoms. (Of course, this is no substitute for seeing a therapist for a professional diagnosis.) A few sample questions that may be relevant to former interns:

- Do you continue to be a "team" member when obviously things are becoming destructive?

- Do you find that others are horrified by something that has happened to you and you are not?

- Have you kept damaging secrets about exploitation or abuse?

- When there is a constant pattern of non-performance in a relationship, do you continue to expect them to follow through anyway?

- Do you find you cannot detach from someone even though you do not trust, like or care for the person?

- Do you find yourself missing a relationship even to the point of nostalgia and longing, that was so awful it almost destroyed you?

- Do you keep secret someone's destructive behavior because of all of the good they have done or the importance of their position or career?

What Do You Call It?

2011-08-25T06:00:00.000-05:00

What do you call a place where...

- You can go live in an isolated location with a group of people that think, talk and believe just like you

- You are given a strong sense of belonging and a new "family" (core)

- You develop a strong sense of us vs. them and think of yourself as elite - a cut above the rest of society

- Nearly every moment of your day is scheduled for you and no deviations are acceptable (except for severe illness or injury)

- You have no privacy

- You must report weekly to your superiors regarding your personal spiritual life

- You have no ability to earn money

- Your access to the internet is limited

- Your access to television is limited or non-existent

- Your access to music and books is limited to approved items only

- Questions or dissent are discouraged

- Your access to romantic relationships is strictly controlled

- Your choice of friends is controlled

And last of all...

You know all of this and choose to go there anyway.

What do you call that?

Sociologists, psychologists and psychiatrists call it a cult.

So do I.

ESOAL/PEARL LTE: 2009

2011-08-23T06:00:00.002-05:00

This story was sent to me by a very recent intern. Since Dave Hasz says that the PEARL LTE will be based off the ESOAL LTE of the last 3-4 years, I think it is worthwhile to examine eyewitness accounts from that time period. If you have a story to share, please email me at recoveringalumni at hotmail dot com.

We had been training during August all the way up until September, I was getting around 4 hours a night of sleep. I worked A shift but I was told I had to stay awake until all my girls were back in the room and some of them were B shift and the curfew was midnight. Then we would get up for corporate at 4:30am. After ESOAL, I continued going to corporate 3x a week because I didn’t pass the fitness test.

Corporate Exercise was horrible. They were taking men who have trained for 27 years and created a workout regimen designed for them and it was just horrible. We never had time to stretch out after the workout – the entire thing was just way too much.

I ended up spraining or stress fracture both of my ankles on the Monday before ESOAL. I never went to a doctor. Dave was on this big healing kick and so being injured was a lot like having no money – it was a sign of your weakness. So, I was injured but nothing good could come from saying anything about it. So I kept it hidden since it was only 2 days to ESOAL. I talked to my CA and told her that my ankles were hurting really bad and she said, “Ok, well I think you should do it but I know you’ll make the right decision.” I decided I should do ESOAL – there was a lot of peer pressure. All my "brothers" and "sisters" were doing it. We didn’t have good roommate relationships and I thought it would bond us. ESOAL started on a Wed. night and I remember, that was horrible. They gave us 20 minutes to get ready so we had to run back to our dorms and get ready. It started at around 9pm at night and we had these rotations where we had to learn how to march. There was a former Navy Seal there and I really trusted him. If he thinks this is ok, then it must be ok.

It was pitch black at night and we went into the auditorium and they had set out tarps on the floor and that was the moment I realized that we weren’t going to be treated like humans, we were going to be treated like animals. The floor was more important than they were. It was just horrible. We had to do the wet and sandy (get soaking wet and then roll in the sand volleyball court). I was laughing while I was doing it, and I high fived my friend and Dave Hasz looked at me being happy, somehow laughing at it was really twisted. He said, "Ok, I see some of you getting too much joy out of this and your feeding your flesh so we need to change activities." I thought he was referring directly to me and it made me feel like a total failure. And that was so confusing, another example of thinking you are doing something well and then finding out your not.

We were supposed to sleep on the Anvil, it was soaked with water and puddles everywhere. The only way we can keep warm is if we all huddle together. There were no sleeping bags and the only time we got to use them, they were soaked b/c they sprayed them with cold water. I remember laying there and feeling so dirty and like the whole thing was so wrong. My head was in a puddle. I was shivering because it was cold outside and my teeth were chattering because they sprayed us down at night with ice cold water and Dave Hasz, this just blows my mind how much control he had over us, he said, "Tell your body to stop shivering. I don’t want to hear your teeth chattering" and on and on. He had enough control over me that I actually stopped doing it, (and shivering is what warms my body!).

Another time, there was a bathtub of ice cold water and huge blocks of ice and you had to jump in, whole body, and Daniel Bostic would be standing there in front of the tub and he told me that I smelled and so I needed to "clean off some more.” Dave tried to make it sound like it was good for our muscles, but I hear sleep is also good for muscles and he wouldn’t let us do that. Then we would jump out only when he told us. There were times I was in there for what felt like at least a minute. Daniel also told us to stop shivering.

We ate cold kidney beans or lentils, baby food or pink/green oatmeal. They had an obstacle course that was completely in the water and I think that’s when something went wrong. On the way to the next activity, my feet began to throb, I got dizzy and I was sweating buckets. I needed help to walk and became really thirsty. I wasn't able to hold my head up and keep my eyes open. I was really in survival mode - and nobody seemed to care.

At this point, even though we are fighting nature to survive, we were also fighting each other. If you gave someone else a drink, it meant that was less for you. You could only refill at specific times and one location. The water boy would be timed to get the water. I was so thirsty that I had drunk all my water so people were giving me theirs. Because I was so sick, I talked to my CA and she told me, "I think you should keep going." She said she thought I was just trying to get out. And so I thought to myself, "I probably am." My whole company is watching me have these symptoms. Nobody was willing to help me so I felt like they thought I was making this up. This was all on the first day of ESOAL. My company prayed for me, gave me some water and that was it. Staff member Daniel Bostic, who was my major, was watching all this happen.

I trusted these people so much that I listened to them. If nobody believes you for so long, you quit believing yourself. So, I thought I was making it up and decided I should keep going. But the symptoms did not subside. My ankles became swollen to the size of melons. At the end of ESOAL, I went to put on my UGG boots, it was hard for me to get them over my ankles. They were huge. I would catch myself standing straight but my body would be (from the hips up) would rotate, kind of like moving in a circle almost like a hula hoop and my eyes would close.

The atmosphere was so abusive that a team was turned against themselves. We would encourage people to keep going even when they shouldn't. One of my teammate's foot completely split open. She showed it to me and I remember thinking, “Oh my God! This is not ok. We are going through muddy, unsanitary water,” and I remember looking up at her and saying, “You can do it!”

I saw a lot of things that bothered me. I remember that some guys had to wear dresses in order to humiliate them, it was supposed to help them overcome their pride.

The only way I got through ESOAL was focusing on the next meal. Dave Hasz would prep us or teach us how to stay in the whole time. That was part of his strategy. He was being incredibly rude and mean. He would ask us questions and we would get the right answer but not according to him, so we’d get punished. For example, he would ask what is my mother’s name? We all said, "Mary Beth." And he said no, "Its Mrs Hasz! Get down and do x amount of pushups. You do not talk to my mother that way!" His tone was really scary. He would call us stupid. Anything short of cursing that was demeaning and that removed any kind of dignity or self-respect, he would use. Lousy. He would call us dirty, we stunk. What was really confusing is that he would like break out and once in a blue moon he would say, "I’m so proud of you." It was really confusing. It was an abusive relationship. Every time he would say something nice like that, I would just break down crying because I felt like such a failure.

After ESOAL, everyone on campus was sick. I’m not kidding, everyone was sick. It was like the bomb had dropped and this was the fallout. We actually had to put people in the long houses b/c they had swine flu (H1N1), mono, strep, infections, everything. They put everyone together. I don’t know how many people were there but I heard it was about 20. During ESOAL, I lost 15 pounds. I had a rash over my entire body from ESOAL b/c of wearing the same wet clothes for days.
I had infections earlier in the year so I’d already used a couple of my sick days. If you finish, and only if you finish, you get to have Monday off of work. You don’t get any extra sick days after ESOAL. I couldn’t sleep more than 2 hours at a time because I was having nightmares and panic attacks about ESOAL. On Wednesday, I finally got to the doctor. I had gone to work on Tuesday and my feet/ankles were in so much pain, I couldn’t stand. It took me months to sleep right again. You are terrified of going to sleep and then you have nightmares a night, and wakeup and it’s a horrible cycle.

When I went home to visit a few weeks later, I went to see the doctor, she talked with me for 3 hours. She sent Teen Mania a letter, because she was so angry about the terrible physical condition I was in. I begged her not to use the words "child abuse" in her letter and I think she finally relented on that point. Even after that, it took me a week or so to open up to my mom and tell her about what happened, because of the oath of silence we have to take.

Honor Academy Announces ESOAL 2.0

2011-08-19T22:07:00.010-05:00

Today, Dave Hasz announced "big" changes to ESOAL. It will now be called the PEARL LTE, the Physical, Emotional and Relational Learning Event.

Lest you assume that this means substantial changes to ESOAL, please note he says they will "retire with honor the name ESOAL."

So, first off they are giving honor to ESOAL.

FULL STOP.

There is no acknowledgement of wrong doing, wrong teaching or abuse. There is no apology to hurt and victimized interns.

He goes on to say:

"The objective of ESOAL has changed as well." He says that it is a "big game" of role play to put into practice things you are learning and build teamwork. He emphasizes that it is "not real."

Does this mean he will no longer teach the BAR (Burial and Resurrection) theology? Because that has very real effects on someone's spiritual life. In fact, the (supposed) ENTIRE POINT of ESOAL in the past was to reach the "burial of your flesh and resurrection of your spirit." Not sure how that is something you can "role play." Is he now repudiating this teaching? Or will this teaching still be an integral part of ESOAL 2.0?,

These are questions that need answers.

The only real specific he gives is that they will no longer use military terms. For example, majors will now be "coaches." No mention if those "coaches" will still scream derogatory remarks in the interns faces or not. No mention if interns will be given adequate rest, food and medical care.

He says that in 2007-2008, ESOAL went through significant changes. In fact, he claims that the ESOAL of recent years is vastly different from the early years (mainly because he wants all the old interns to shutup). Of course, in recent years there have been developments like the "quarantine tent" where interns with various ailments like Meningitis are sent after ESOAL. In fact, at least one intern that we know of almost died in 2009. Is this the same event you are praising, Dave?

Dave says that the PEARL is "similar" to the ESOAL of the last 3-4 years. This is an absolutely genuis (and devious) PR trick. He knows that all of our video footage is from years previous to this. This is, I believe, nothing more than a blatant attempt to distance the brand of Teen Mania from the disgusting manipulation and outright physical and spiritual abuse that we have systematically documented, going back over 10 years. Teen Mania is terrifed of the truth and this is the only way they can think of to make themselves look good for future interns without ever having to apologize or make things right with past interns. This is disgraceful, shameful behavior for someone who calls themselves a Christian.

Of course, we don't know exactly what this event will hold until after it goes down (and likely months or years afterwards - when people finally get the courage to come forward.) But I'm willing to take Dave at his word that the PEARL will be similar to the ESOAL events from the last 3-4 years. In my next post, I will run a story from the 2009 ESOAL and you can decide if it has really changed for the better.

From now on, you can bet that Teen Mania's standard reply to concernced journalists, interns and parents is "We don't do ESOAL anymore. That's in the past."

Were You Financially Dismissed?

2011-08-17T06:00:00.000-05:00

Were you financially dismissed? Do you know someone who was?

I'd like to talk to interns that were kicked out of the Honor Academy for inability to give their required donation.

Contact me at recoveringalumni at hotmail dot com.

Global Expeditions Review: Gabrielle's Story

2011-08-15T06:00:00.005-05:00

I never went to the Honor Academy. I prayed and God quickly killed the idea in my mind because he already knew I dealt so much with a guilty conscience and HA would only make that worse. (Actually that feeling was finally helped when I read To Kill a Mockingbird and in the story Scout had gotten in trouble for fighting. Atticus said how she was trying, and he knew she was trying. And that was enough. God spoke so much to me in those few sentences.)

Anyway the extent of my experience with Teen Mania was with my Global Expeditions mission trip. That really tainted my idea about TM. But I would first like to say that even though my TM experience was bad, I do not regret that trip. The organization we were working with while on the trip is full of Godly people making a real difference in the world and for the kingdom and I learned so much from them. And I will not disclose too much information, even where I went and what year, because I am still friends with many pro-TMers and do not wish to offend them or burn bridges. I simply want to make sense of my experience.

So things started going bad about two weeks before the trip. The intern who was assigned to me to make sure everything was in order before I got to Teen Mania's campus in Texas never told me that the trip was debriefing “in country” which meant I would have to find my own flight home. I finally figured out by talking to some of the other people who were going on the trip and my mom freaked. I was upset that this was never told to me. We immediately contacted TM and got someone to help us get my flight. It took a few hours but we got me a flight and all was well.

First day on campus, I begin getting acquainted with everyone and making friends. I learned the rules and did my best to abide by all. They reminded us before bed that we should not be anywhere on campus alone and if you need to go anywhere, let a missions advisor (MA) know. So before bed I was worried about having to go to the bathroom at night, as you know the longhouses don’t have one. So I asked one of the MA’s what to do if I have to go to the bathroom and night and I got the answer “I don’t know, just don’t wake me up.” Thankfully I slept through the night fine without a bathroom break so I was relieved.

The first full day in which we had “training” we found out which drama we would be doing. Now through most of the drama a lot of us were on our knees. Not so bad but seeing as we were doing it under the pavilion where the ground was made mostly of roof shingles, it was hard on the knees. In our first break, one of the Honor Academy interns who was helping us with our drama noticed we were getting weary of being on our knees all the time, so he pulled out his Bible and read us the “discipline your body and make it your slave" scripture. I did my best but it still hurt, and finally I no longer wanted to kneel and did the drama while standing up. I was told I needed to try harder to discipline my body.

We came to a point where they wanted us to practice our testimonies in front of everyone. In mine, I spoke of my parent’s divorce. After that the Project Director’s son said to me, “It’s okay, a lot of good people’s parents get divorced.” Thanks. I never thought their divorce did make me a bad person in first place.

Finally, when it came time to leave campus for DFW it was about 11 at night. We loaded the bus and were off. In the buses there was the rule of girls by girls and boys by boys, seeing as it was a night trip. Now the buses had these seats that faced each other and the bottoms could be pulled out to connect them to make a place for your feet to rest and make a somewhat “bed.” I just so happened to be sitting across from two boys. I suggested we pull the seats out to have a place to rest our feet and make it easier to sleep, seeing as no one had since 7am that morning and we probably wouldn’t until the next night. One of the boys (Prjoect Director’s son) said that that would be inappropriate seeing as it would put boys and girls on the same seat. Never mind the fact that it was like sitting on opposite ends of a twin sized bed with your feet extended. Not sexual at all if you ask me but I didn’t want to argue for fear of getting kicked off the trip and I felt like a skank for even suggesting it. All this was new to me seeing as I had always been in very close organizations in school where boys and girls were always close. We would change on the same bus with the boys and we sat and slept in very close quarters so not much was really sexual to me and I almost never get crushes so that wasn’t a worry at all.

Now I didn’t have this problem, but someone pointed it out to me a few years later that this happened. When a lot of girls are put in close quarters together, a lot of them were having problems with starting their periods when they weren't supposed to. A lot of girls weren’t expecting it on the trip so some didn’t prepare. When we got to our place we were staying, many girls asked to go to the convenience store across the street to get supplies. They were never allowed to go. Thankfully there was enough from the other girls to hold them but it still was a basic hygienic need that they should have been allowed to attend to.

Our female Team Leader’s (TLs) were very mean. There were two. Mine would always speak to me in a condescending way and would always reprimand me for not being more “involved” in what was going on. She kept an annoyingly close eye on me looking for me to do something wrong. She would stand over me in the morning demanding that I get up and immediately start getting ready. If I didn’t immediately pop up and start getting dressed in the morning I wasn’t being “obedient.” The other TL was rude as well. She was always on her high horse and had little discretion for what she did. She would hold up stuff for people to claim that may have gotten lost from them. In the bathroom she had found a pair of underwear and in front of all she held them up for someone to claim. For about 5 minutes she held them up saying how disgusting it is to leave your underwear lying around and someone needed to step forward and claim them so we could move on with our day. Did I mention there was a massive blood stain in them? No wonder no one stepped forward to claim them, I wouldn’t.

In our drama there is a girl on a chain and there is a guy who's supposed to be the devil yanking her back every time she tried to walk to "God." Eventually the girls (one girl on each team and their replacement) all got horribly bruised on their lower abdomen. Instead of telling the guys to go easier on the girl, or changing out who did that part to not make the bruises worse, they simply used the girl who was "less bruised." The guys were told nothing about going easier. One day the guy on the other team pulled the girl so hard she fell and smacked her head on the ground. She was disorientated for a little while but thankfully the damage wasn't worse.

A incident with my TL. One morning I (surprisingly) woke up earlier than everyone. I wanted to shower before everyone got up because I hadn’t gotten one the night before. (4 showers among 40 girls, 2 were for 18 and older, most of us didn’t get to shower everyday) I got my stuff and my TL was showering. She saw me come into the bathroom because she had reached out of the shower to grab her shampoo. She promptly told me to go lay back down because it was her shower time and I needed to shower when all the other girls were allowed to. In the last day we had to go around and say nice things to our leaders. I didn’t have one nice thing to say about her and had to make something up. Shocker.

A few days before it was time to go home, my mom checked my flight info. She was freaked out. Even though we sat on the phone as the intern got the plane ticket, the intern managed to screw it up. The flight had the right day, the 28th, but wrong month. Instead of a flight home on June 28th, I had one home on July 28th. One thing you do not tell my mother; there’s a problem with getting your baby home. My mom called Teen Mania and spoke to a girl who understood, worked with my mother and said she got it all fixed and that she would let my PD’s know. A bit over 24 hours later my mom called me again to talk to my PD’s. When she did, they had no idea of the change or that anything had been fixed. Turned out it hadn’t. My mom was livid at this point. After laying into my PD she then called TM back and yelled at them for lying to her. They then were able to get my flight back home and my mom spoke to several high up TM people to find out why this happened and why no one caught this blip before.

Last weird TM thing that happened before I went home was this. On our free day my group (btw, groups always had to have one boy in it. I felt sorry for the boys having to be separated and not getting to do as many boy things because they had to watch over girls all the time) had to go to the bathroom. We stopped for that and afterwards we couldn’t find the boy and one of our girls. My MA freaked. She was cool and wanted to find them before PD’s did so they wouldn’t get BV’d. We found them a few aisles over looking at something, nothing bad and it was completely innocent. It blew my mind that something so accidental could have gotten them BV’d.

I got home fine, my mom called TM several times after that seeing what they were going to do to make sure what happened with my plane ticket wouldn’t happen to anyone else. She wanted to know they changed their policy of checking information before the trip. As many times as she called, no one called back. My mom wanted me to have nothing to do with TM anymore and since then we haven’t.

From the rules I got from TM I felt bad about things a lot. We were told when we get home we should “get rid of all our secular music” because if we didn’t, God would see that we preferred it over him and we wouldn’t get into heaven. When I asked about secular music with positive messages, I was told that unless God was the root of the message, it wasn’t good. I went around feeling bad about a lot of things in life feeling like I needed to “fix” myself. I felt unworthy of ever having a boyfriend because I didn’t feel like I deserved whoever God had for me. Eventually I was able to see that God loved me no matter if I listened to secular music or got mad at someone or even had a bad attitude from time to time. NOTHING can separate us from the love of Christ. I just hope all those hurting from TM’s message can remember that.

ORU Offers Amnesty

2011-08-12T06:00:00.001-05:00

ORU, birthplace of Teen Mania in so many ways, announced a new written Amnesty and Restoration policy for students who have violated the Honor Code.

Clarence Boyd, dean of spiritual formation, explained that fear of the consequences of confession used to prevent students from ever seeking help with their private struggles.

“The perception was that if you say something, you get kicked out of school,” he said.

No longer.

He said he wants students to realize that amnesty has always been available.

Students need not fear having to leave ORU if they come forward seeking help.

And further on down the press release:

President Rutland said this positive response from students only underscores the need for second chances and healing on campus.

“There’s a need for grace everywhere,” he said.

“[This policy] is reflective of the new spirit of grace that is on the campus.”

It is the hope of the president and faculty that this atmosphere of honesty and transparency will strip off the masks of pretense sometimes sported at Christian schools.

Dean Olsen said this is what is at the heart of the policy.

“Too much of the time, students can fake it without being ‘whole.’ This policy comes from a genuine desire to see [students] get whole.”

I applaud this effort to apply grace and transparency in the Christian community. Threats or fears of being kicked out have no place in the Christian family. I can only hope that one day Teen Mania will realize that.

3 Words That Stir My Soul

2011-08-10T06:00:00.001-05:00

Lately, these three words have been stirring in my soul.

Truth

Learning and recognizing the truth isn't always welcome news. It messes up our lives and our plans. Discovering that we've built our life on untruths (I have to perform for God to love and accept me, I will never be good enough unless I'm a missionary, etc.) can be simulatenously devastating and freeing. Which is why we need...

Courage

Courage to let truth do its work in us - whatever that means. Courage to let our old ways of thinking die and courage to open ourselves to a new, and sometimes scary world. It's terrifying but if we can summon the courage to be bold and step outside our previous bondage, we will find...

Freedom

Freedom to live and love and laugh and play and rest and work - without guilt! Freedom from the neverending stream of internalized criticisms proclaiming that we are "worthless" or a "loser." Freedom to think for ourselves and to make our own decisions. Freedom to just BE.

How have truth, courage and freedom been a part of your healing journey? Leave a comment and I'll select 3 random commenters* to receive a truth, courage, freedom magnet using the graphic above.

*Can post under any name except anonymous. Select the Name/URL option and make up any name you want.

The Honor Academy: Eliza's Story, pt 1

2011-08-08T06:00:00.001-05:00

Eliza recently sent me this email. She plans to add on to her story at some point, but for now, here is part 1:

I've gone back and forth on whether or not I should share some of my experiences that I've had at the Honor Academy. But honestly, after reading a lot of the information that you have on your site about recovery and reading so many stories from previous interns, I've realized that I'm not alone. I always thought it was me, like I was some sort of rebel. I felt like I was the only one that noticed all of the bizarre things that took place on campus.

One of the stories that I want to share has to do with my CA, Emma, and my RD, Jenny. I was an intern during 2005. One night during our weekly core meeting, our CA decided to bring us to the womens bathroom right outside of the auditorium. As we walked in you could smell a horrible stench. Our CA had dumped out all of the stall waste receptacles onto the floor. Dirty tampons and pads everywhere! She then gave us gloves and told us to pick them up and throw them into the garbage. This was to show us how dirty our sins are to the Lord. And this was approved by our RD, who made an appearance later on that night. I was one of the only people in my core that refused to participate. I will admit, I felt very awkward not participating since I was the ACA of my room. I didn't know how to handle the situation. I was just 17 years old and I had two women, who I thought I could trust, telling me to pick up unsanitary things off of the floor. And unfortunately I was too timid to do anything about the situation. This story still makes me angry along with the other stories that I have but you're blog has really helped me deal with a lot of my feelings. Thank you so much for taking your time to help almuni such as myself. It's a relief to know that I'm not the only one!

Friday: Links I Like

2011-08-05T06:00:00.000-05:00

1) Jeromy J - You Bring God Pleasure, Not Disgust.

2) Rachel Held Evans on Grace: The ultimate denial of grace, then, is not to misunderstand it theologically, but to withhold it.

3) Brene Brown on Choosing Worthiness - A Protest Against Perfection

What links do you like?

Conspiracies, Persecutions and Catastrophes, Oh My!

2011-08-03T06:00:00.002-05:00

The World Awareness LTE is a weekend of simulated persecution. In the past, staff and graduate interns would roleplay as an anti-Christian government while interns would attempt to escape or hide from them throughout the weekend. If caught, interns were sent to jail and interrogated about their faith, forced to do physical activities and in some cases left alone in a small "cell" for hours at a time. One could argue that this was a helpful exercise for people going onto the mission field, though I certainly wouldn't.

However, things changed a bit this year. Instead of acting like a closed country, the government was "pursuing absolute tolerance at any cost." (According to the video below). This would indicate to me a fear of persecution not just abroad in a closed country, but a fear of persecution led by the government here in America.

We've talked before about Teen Mania's imaginary persecution complex, but simulating the persecution in this manner took it to a whole other level.

According to Rick Ross, an Expert Consultant and Intervention Specialist, one of the top ten warning signs of a potentially unsafe group/leader is:

4. Unreasonable fear about the outside world, such as impending catastrophe, evil conspiracies and persecutions.

For a long time, I thought this was one of the few critera that Teen Mania did not meet. But unfortunately, I keep hearing stories about how this type of attitude is nurtured at Teen Mania. Both the concept and execution of this retreat as well as the call to martyrdom fosters this type of fear of the government and persecution.

Sadly, a current intern had this to say after the retreat:

On a side note: I remember being on the "run" and seeing the masses of people running because we knew we were being chased. I felt like the holy spirit was really just telling me that we are really going to be living like this in a couple of years that while we might have been role playing for the weekend that one day we are going to look back and realize that it was almost like foreshadowing..

Keeping interns in fear and out of touch with the outside world makes them compliant and easier to control. Its very sad.

Teen Mania Wants You to be a Martyr (Preferably in the Middle East)

2011-08-01T06:00:00.007-05:00

In February, we discussed a short clip from Teen Mania's chapel service where interns were told that every single one of them is called to foreign missions.

It wasn't until recently that I took the time to listen to this entire message by Teen Mania's head of Global Expeditions, Emmie Harper.

While it is certainly troubling to have a Christian leader tell you that you are called to missions and if you think you aren't, then you've probably heard God wrong, Emmie Harper, takes it even further. Read on.

About 45 minutes into her sermon, Emmie asks everyone who knows they are called to missions to stand up. After they get a nice round of applause, she has those not called to missions stand up while the missionaries sit down. Then she tells them:

I don't mean to make anyone upset or mad but I just really feel passionate about this. I don't think that you are called to stay.

I don't believe it.

I don't believe it. There are not enough people going. There's not enough people going.

Some of you are hiding behind the fact that you are going to do ministry. Some of you are in ministry right now, you are staff members. You are hiding behind the fact that "I'm in ministry."

Listen there are not enough people going, I don't believe you are called to stay. There's just not enough people. It doesn't make sense. It doesn't add up. We cannot hide behind whats comfortable....there is nowhere else you ought to rather be than the center of God's will for your life. I believe you are called to go and to give it all.

Missions is not just for some, its for all of us. We are all called to foreign missions and many of you who are standing are called to go.

If that wasn't intense enough for you, Emmie raises the stakes by telling the interns that certain Biblical promises are only for full time missionaries.

@51:30 - Matthew 6:33 - That promise is not for everyone. It doesn't just automatically happen because you give your life to Jesus.

It is for those who seek first his kingdom, who make missions their priority. If its not your priority, that Scripture that promise of provision, it does not apply to you. Throw it out because you have decided to provide for yourself.

When you take missions and remove it from your mind, you are literally saying, "God I will provide for myself, I will do life my way."

And just when you thought the stakes could not be raised any higher, Emmie pronounces a sort of benediction on the interns:

@1:04:40 - I hope that you will all give your life for what matters most.

I hope that your blood will run on the sands of the Middle East.

I hope that as a result of what you give and what you do that the name of Jesus will be made famous to people who right now, do not know him.

I hope that you will demonstrate courage and faith.

I hope that you will die a death that will point thousands to Christ.

Unfortunately, this is nothing new. For the first 2 years that I was out of Teen Mania, I was convinced that I was going to be a martyr in the Middle East. I felt that was the highest calling of a Christian and was better and higher than any other Christian act I could do.

I was still caught up in legalism.

Not everyone is called to missions or martyrdom. And that's ok.

And preaching guilt and condemnation to those who don't want to die on the sands of the Middle East is called spiritual abuse, no matter how well intentioned it is. (Not to mention that a call to action like this is just freaky.)

Vacation

2011-07-10T15:02:00.002-05:00

I'll be on blog vacation for the rest of the month. New posts will resume on August 1st. In the meantime, feel free to check the archives!

The Honor Academy: Nicole's Story

2011-07-05T06:00:00.001-05:00

I have been reading this blog and commenting for over a year now. Until now I didn't feel it necessary to really share my experience because I wasn't nearly as hurt as many people have sadly been. I would describe my Honor Academy year as a "good" year. Not terrible, not exceptional. What made it good was the grace of God Himself, my friends and the fact that my ACAs (room leaders) were NOT controlling by any means, and were very supportive. I also think I am the only intern who never had an actual conversation with Dave Hasz! The August 98 was the first gigantic class, so I could blend in nicely, haha.

What finally made me wish to share my experience was reading Heath's/"Keiths" story. I realized I have finally fully acknowledged my hurts and the injustices done to me unlike Heath (and not dismiss them because they don't seem as blatant as other stories) so it is worth sharing if it might help somebody else who experienced something similar. I do still have friends that are pretty pro Teen Mania so hopefully I won't alienate you guys too much if you figure out who I am =).

Also, a few weeks ago, I was discussing with my family the issue of spiritual authoritarianism and the holiness movement and how another missions organization I was involved in after the Honor Academy is also big on those things (though it's not quite as bad with that organization because it is very decentralized, though individual bases are cult-ish). For the first time, I vocalized that I was never part of the "in"/leadership crowd. No matter how holy I got, I just wasn't good enough...and I have struggled with condemnation and feeling "out of God's will" ever since, until recently. This is the problem with holiness movement theology that both organizations perpetrate. Then to compound it all and make matters worse, spiritual authoritarianism says "you must obey what I personally deem is holiness." I also finally told my parents/family all about the stories from this blog, much to their horror (probably for sending me there) but they completely validated my feelings and conclusions.

Most of my intern year was fairly benign besides two things. The main thing that happened to me was summer missions '99. I had been to Russia twice before the HA and was excited to go back as an intern missions advisor (MA - in charge of a small group), to both go back to the country I had a heart for as well as learn leadership skills in missions. This is one of the things I had highlighted about the HA to my supporters. During training, I was still about $1,500 short for my trip. One day I was trying to get a hold of my parents all day to see if any funds had come in or if my Dad was getting paid from a construction job and could help me. I finally got a hold of them a few minutes before curfew. Needless to say, I was about 10 minutes late for curfew. I had NEVER been late for curfew or ANYTHING else my Intern year, so I figured everyone would understand that I had to talk to my parents and that I adhered to all rules otherwise.

I was wrong. When I got back my room leader said she would have to tell my trip Team Leaders (TLs). I don't blame her at all, she apologized and didn't want to "rat out her buddy" to the TLs but knew she had to follow the rules (as I mentioned before, she was very understanding and non-controlling, she never "confronted" me about having a close guy friend because she had a close guy friend her undergrad year and was confronted ALLL the time for it).

So when it came to MA selection, I was informed by my female team leader that I was not selected because I was 10 minutes late for curfew, and it wouldn't be fair to select me when all the other candidates had shown 100% integrity the whole training. I was placed in a small group with a non-intern as my MA. By God's grace she was totally cool and never lorded anything over me, and their was another girl in our group that wasn't selected to be an MA, so we were all humble with each other and had a great trip together.

I tried to push aside my hurt and reasoned up until recently that it was just God showing me I was "to be a leader without a title." So I assumed that role. Even after the HA I never sought out a title, youth pastor, manager or anything else. I felt I could relate to teenagers better without a title. I guess that started my slow regression out of the organized/spiritual authority hierarchy-based church and my present journey into mysticism. Only recently have I been able to fully seek Christ for myself, without Dave Hasz's words echoing in the back of my mind, saying that I have a "seared conscience" because I disagree with Teen Mania on whatever theological or political point.

Now I realize it was just overly harsh of my leaders and that's all there is to it. I had paid oodles of money for the HA to learn how to be a leader, but I was never given the chance to lead ANYTHING.

Part of my healing from this actually involved my boss. Two years ago my boss decided to make me the manager and I never thought I had leadership in me. Funny how it took my atheist boss to see that I AM a strong leader because I work hard and am honest, and now my personality has totally changed...from an introverted sheep like follower to assertive and opinionated. My personality had been repressed by my experiences with Teen Mania and the general theological consensus growing up that women are supposed to follow men.

The second thing that happened I knew was plain wrong from the get go. And that was on our long road trips to ATFs, etc. the trip leader has this torturous rule of only stopping every 4 hours for a bathroom break. Now I understand we have a schedule to keep, and if a bus filled with 30 people stopped every 30 minutes for someone to pee, that would be a bit ridiculous. I have the world's smallest bladder, and that was hell for me. I literally had determined once I would just have to wet myself. Luckily, I was shown mercy twice because once I guess I looked like I was going to faint and the other time the guy said, "we'll stop because you're turning blue." But only I was allowed to get out on one of those occasions to save time, meanwhile my friend later told me she was at the back of the bus crying because she had to go as well but was not allowed to.

That is straight up torture. I do not need to list the medical problems with the bladder and kidneys that one can develop from not being permitted to empty their bladder. For God's sake, schedule more time for your ATF trips so you can allow for more humane treatment!

In hindsight I know what made the rest of my year "good" is that I have the support of a wonderful family. My parents are Christians, and taught me to think for myself, ask questions of leadership, not just blindly follow, I had good self esteem, etc. I was able to protect myself from being fully controlled or belittled. This is one of the reasons I never talked to Dave Hasz. I wasn't there for Dave Hasz. I was there for God. What would my year have been like if I came from a broken background, and fully followed everything my "leaders" said? I hate to imagine. And that is what breaks my heart, drives me to pray for this mess and finally now to share my story, because many people have a broken past and little support at home. I hope it helps someone out there, no matter how "small" you think your hurt was: fully acknowledge it. Only then can you begin to move on and re-discover that part of yourself that was taken.